A
female
age
,
anonymous
writes:I thought i could forgive and forget my h/b affairs but i cant seem to, we are at a dead end neither of us seem to have the courage to move on when we both know deep down things will never be as they were.I have heard that affairs can make a marriage stronger but with me as much as i love him i know i will never forget his betrayal he has hurt me more than he will ever know.After all i have gone though in my life before i met him he would have known what he was going to do to our marriage when i found out about his cheating all he says is that he thought i never would find out and he is sorry.We are up to our eye balls in debt we are both to blame for this, but i have tried to forgive but cant.I am living a lie pretending all's well when its not i thought if i stayed then at least i would nt be on my own even if he was to cheat again but i could not bare him being with other person even though he has in the past but i never knew then what i know now.He seems to think that we can carry on as if nothing has happened. How can we stay married if i cannot leave this behind and accept what he has done?At least once a week we will have a big row and one of us will say cant take anymore then things are ok till the next time.we are both trying but where do we go from here ?This has been going on for 12 months any advice.
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (6 May 2009): I have NEVER heard that "affairs make marriages stronger." that sounds rediculous to me.
Every day, you're just going to feel worse. You're not enough, you can't trust him, There is always someone better than you, you've been a bad wife, so much that he turned to someone else.. etc. But the facts are, he is irresponsible, decietful, untrustworthy, dishonest, etc. And none of it is your fault.
If you can't get over it and it's causing more arguements (becuase you don't respect him as much and are less inclines to keep peace and you hold resentment) then i don't think you ever will. The trust and security has been destroyed. I would personally never stay in a relationship that was so violated. I would never be able to heal it. But prehaps i am weak. If you don't feel you will ever feel better, than you need to find someone who will make you feel special and good about yourself.
If you think you can have your old relationship back, then go to counseling and seek other ways to overcome this. I don't think it's something you can do on your own.
Cheater need to learn a lesson. they need to know that they can't get away with doing it. The ones who never get left because of it, will never learn that lesson.
If you need to teach him that lesson but still want to be with him, then sperate temporarily, but make him think it's forever and see how badly he feels and wants you back .
Goodluck. I've never been cheated on, so i really hope i've given you some sort of insiteful advice. I hope things get better.
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