A
female
age
51-59,
*iksad
writes:I was with my boyfriend for 6 years, we recently broke up. When we first started I was in the process of a divorse. He used to be really mean to me, called me names, accused me of sleeping with my ex or anyone else for that matter. We had a mutual friend and I had helped him move some things, didnt tell my boyfriend with fear of being accused of screwing him too. He later found out and of course accused me, I ended proving my innocence by taking a lie detector test, which I agreed to taking, and I passed. Time went on after that and we were fine, he then started saying that I had changed, our sex life had changed, this was almost 3 years into the relationship. He thenstarted questioning me again about if I was seeing someone else. Of course I wasn't, he started fighting with me over it, and every weekend said things like "if you don't like it here leave", I did like my life with him but he kept saying that, so I got to the point of believing he wanted me to leave, so I told him maybe it would be better if I did, next thing you know I have my own apartment. I still was with him every day, pretty much wasted all my money on rent for whole year, he used to get upset about me not telling him everything that was going on in my life like, refinancing MY truck, getting a credit card, or applying for a job, he said he felt I was deceiving him if i didn't tell him things. When we would fight I would talk to my mom about our fights and that would really set him off, so I got to the point I would lie if I did, I did feel like I had to lie to him just to keep the peace but of course he would find out and it was on. He would always bring up our past, my ex husband, and anything else when we fought, sometimes his imagination would get the better of him. The final fight was because I had a job interview, I didnt tell him I applied but I just wanted him to be excited about the interview, but he just focused on the fact I didnt tell him I applied. I tried to tell him how I felt about his reaction, how it hurt me, how I wanted him to be excited with me. I felt he totally disregarded my feelings, I was so upset I called my mom and a couple of my friends, without knowing the whole time everyday he took time off from work and listened to what I was saying while hiding in or under the house. Now he thinks I hate him, that the last 6 years have been a lie. I feel if he really loved me he would have heard how upset i was and stopped it, figured out what was wrong. He says that if it would have been just him and me, no mom, no kids, we would have been magic. Yes, I did feel like lieing to him would protect me from the wrath, but i know it was wrong. I havent been the saint, and i feel like he was controlling. we even went to couples counseling and she told me he was crazy, when she started telling him his faults he quit. I'm having a hard time letting him go, I feel like I caused this to end, what do you all think?
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male
reader, softtouchmale2003 +, writes (26 August 2010):
 The man you're describing is extraordinarily insecure with himself.
If you really love him, he needs to fix his issues. One of them is trust. He's holding back on something.
You two should be able to communicate all of your feelings towards each other without any judgment or condemnation, without accusations or punishment.
The man you're describing is full of rage, probably self-loathing, and turns that anger outward against you in order to justify his own behavior towards you.
This is a very unhealthy relationship because until he can let go of whatever it is, deep down that's eating him up inside; he can never be devoted to you.
When we love, there is a deep devotion, we cherish and treasure our loved ones and don't want any harm to come to them.
Here, he is willing to accuse you and hurt you repeatedly. This as I said is an internal issue he has to resolve.
You can try and ask him what it is that makes him feel this anger towards you, why he feels insecure in himself; was he somehow hurt, raped, abused as a child, or abandoned? What is it that he seems to think you're guilty of that has been hurting him for so long, probably long before he met you?
Whatever it is, until he spills the beans and lets you help him, or lets someone help him; he will act this way.
You don't want to let go because you know he's in pain, even if he doesn't act that way. Yes he's suffering and that hurts you. But until he's willing to face his inner demons, he's going to be dangerous to you.
And he doesn't want to hear what his faults are because until he's willing to confront them, he will continue to lash out. Its human nature and a stubborn soul you have there.
But once he's past all of that, I would suspect he'd be extraordinarily loyal to you after that. If you can get him past this terrible barrier, and get him to finally let go of whatever's eating him up inside, you'd find a good man buried deep inside somewhere.
Till that happens though he's going to be an agonizing a-hole to you.
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