A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:This is a bit complicated. I've been with my bf for a year now and am living with him but I am at the end of my tether. We both work full time, I pay two thirds of the bills and do ALL the house work as well as looking after his kid at weekends and walking his dog and looking after my horse. I have tried to talk to him about the unfair workload but he always says he will try to help more and when the time comes out comes the excuses. He nags me at least once a week if the house work isn't done and also if I forget to do something or leave something to the last minute. I feel like I'm towing the line for the pair of us all the time. Also he has a thing for wanting to go lap dancing and watching porn. Initially I don't have a problem with this but sometimes when I'm down it hurts.I try talking to him but he changes the subject, says he loves me or, likelast night, was distracted by an advert with ladies in very little clothing!I don't want to break up with him but i'm starting to think its inevitable. I've lost so much weight and feel washed out with no confidence in myself anymore.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (10 July 2008): Just thank your deity that you're not married.
I'm sure that he'll try to improve everything for a little while, then slide back. If he's really interested in changing for you, though, he's going to have to take it one step at a time-- for instance for one month he should just concentrate on no porn, no lap dances, etc. until it's no longer a habit. The next month he should try to pick up the habit of walking the dog every day at a time he chooses, so you don't have to nag him (and still no porn etc.) In other words, he has to make time in his daily schedule for chores, and find something to replace the regular time he spends on porn and lapdancing (dates or sex with you, for instance.)
If you're really interested in helping please you, you'll help prioritize all the annoyances and be patient while he works on them one at a time.
I suspect one of your annoyances is that you hate having to nag (not many people do.) Thus, he should do something like put a "No Porn" sign on his computer, or a "Walk the dog!" sign on the door so that he remembers when he's about to go out in the morning. If there's something that he nags you about, he should do it himself, or help you make the time to do it.
Both of you should have a regular flow of chores that you do, that are part of your day. For instance, as one of you gets up in the morning you make the bed, then carry some laundry out of the room to the washer. Check the calendar so there won't be any surprises in the day. Eat breakfast, wash up, while you're there wipe the bathroom sink with a rag. Walk the dog and then to work! The other person might get up, check the calendar, feed the animals and make breakfast, put away dishes while waiting for the coffee to brew, etc.
There should be chores done weekly and monthly too, fit into your routines.
No reminders or nagging would be necessary if you set up some routines and stick to them. Save the spontaneity and ad libbing for your free time... don't waste your lives thinking about household chores, just do them on autopilot.
Use lists and post-it notes to help you remember the steps in your workflow in the beginning.
Good luck! Hope this works with the present guy, otherwise try to remember it with future boyfriends.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (10 July 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for all your replies they have been really helpful. I confronted him on the issues today and he said he would try to help - so now I must enforce it I suppose (nag a little!) problem is I am not a nagging type person. I don't like it done to me so I don't do it to anyone else.
I also confronted him about the other females issues and told him it was not fair. I can take a joke and a lewd comment or two but 24/7 is a bit much! He apologised for and siad he was an idiot and that he didn't realise he was hurting me.
So watch this space, I will try to be confident and firm, if not then I have a very painful descision to make.
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A
female
reader, Emilysanswers +, writes (5 July 2008):
They never ever change unless they have to. And until he gets home to realise his dog needs walking, the washing needs doing, and his kids hasn't been fed, he won't realise that he was treating you like his maid.
Leave him now. After a week he'll be back on his knees begging you to come back. (or at least show him how to use the washing machine)
Whether you want to go back is up to you. You might find you are far far happier with your own time and no pressure.
Get away from him and then figure out what you want to do after that.
Good Luck!! xx
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A
female
reader, scrazy  +, writes (5 July 2008):
 Have you reminded this boy that you're his girlfriend and NOT his personal maid?I'm sorry, but I think breaking up with him would be best for you unless he stops with the excuses and starts doing his share of work. Its not fair that you have to do everything, like watching HIS kid on the weekends when you have your own responsibilities.If you really want your relationship to last, talk to him again and be FIRM.Tell him if he doesn't start pulling his own weight, you're packing up and leaving. You're not his maid, you're not his mother and you will NOT continue to be treated like this. If he makes more excuses, then just go. Don't let him keep you somewhere where you are unhappy and losing a lot weight (which could be unhealthy for you).Feel free to message me if you need to talk more.Take care!xo
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