A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Hi all. I have been with my boyfriend for 6 years, and we've had our fair share of problems in that time mainly because he often doesn't include me in his life and he's not very willing to discuss our future (I'm 29, he's 27 and he says he's too young to think about it). This morning I found out that once again he's been keeping things from me, and I'm just so angry and sick of feeling sad and let down. I really want to tell him that I want to take a break, but can I do that so close to christmas? I'm supposed to be eating with his family, so I don't know if I should just suck it up and pretend everything is ok until after christmas. At the same time, I don't want to drag it out or make it look like I'm just after the gifts which I don't even want. What do you think?
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female
reader, So_Very_Confused  +, writes (24 December 2014):
 It's been six years... it's time to end it since you want something he does not.
It's over and you know it. It's just a matter of when you end it. Personally I'm game for having a date for NYE (after all you have been with him 6 years you must have some fun with him)
but right after NYE (about the 2nd or 3rd) it's time to say "boyfriend we need to have a serious talk about where we are NOT going"
as for gifts... think of it as one last hurrah...
A
female
reader, Aunty BimBim  +, writes (23 December 2014):
 Determine for yourself just what you are willing to accept or not for your future, workout what the deal breakers are, maybe write them down in two columns, choose the best headings to suit yourself, eg DEALBREAKER and TOLLERABLE.
Start listing items, eg, marriage, children, long term commitment, communication, "Fred" visiting strip clubs, buying a house together, buying a house on own, travelling .... everything you have ever considered or thought might be nice.
Put them in the appropriate columns.
Don't tell your boyfriend about your list.
Attempt to talk to him one more time, make sure he is in the conversation with you, so sitting at the kitchen table is ideal, he needs to be focused on you, make sure is looking at you during the conversation, especially for the tough questions.
Start off, "Fred" you know there is a limited time for women to have babies ..... unlike men, after a certain age we can no longer reproduce. I am concerned I am nearing that age and I would like children, do you want to have kids "Fred"?
Continue, especially with your deal breakers, if he wont enter conversation at all then you know he is not planning anything long term with you.
Now decide for you, is the fact he is not planning anything long term suit you or not, is this the way of a man who is love?
If you are okay with it, then stay, if you are not, then go. It wont be easy after 6 years but at least you will be living a truth and not a lie.
Good luck whichever way it goes for you
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (22 December 2014): Hi I am the OP. I think you might be right, I'm just struggling to let go because I really do love him :( I've tried to talk to him about this a few times but it's always a vague 'maybe one day' or 'I've not thought about it'. In terms of the things he's been hiding, I found out he'd been to a strip club after saying he'd been somewhere else, he'd booked a holiday to Amsterdam leaving in 2 weeks without mentioning it (he's denying ever saying he was going but I heard from his friend that he pulled out when I found out so another lie) and was back smoking weed - all of which I had no idea about and had to hear from others. He doesn't seem to grasp that it's not the things he is doing I have an issue with, it's the fact he doesn't tell me stuff. Like we can chat about our day and he'll never think to say 'oh I've been invited to go on holiday'. I think the crux of the problem is I don't feel like he's serious about the relationship and I'm looking for reassurance. He keeps saying he's too young to think about the future and he feels like I'm pressuring him to fit my timeline, but all I want is an idea of what he envisions his life being like and whether I'm in it (he says yes about that but has no idea where we would live, when he'll want marriage, when he'll want kids, if he wants to travel etc.)
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A
female
reader, Aunty BimBim +, writes (22 December 2014):
It sounds like you are just a convenience for him, if he is unwilling to discuss the future after you have been together for 6 years he will never be willing to discuss the future.
Have you got somewhere you can go?
I agree with the previous answer, a break wont make much difference, you need to walk away from this dead end relationship, it's got nowhere else to go.
I don't know what sort of things he is keeping from you, but I've been there and I know how it made me feel, better to leave now and feel sad because you are on your own, than to stay and feel sad because you stayed.
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A
female
reader, heartruleshead +, writes (22 December 2014):
If he's not ready to take your relationship to the next level after 6years unfortunately he never will be. I have been in your shoes and was with the guy for 5 years. I was always last choice and he didn't want to move in, get married or anything. It's not a break you need to consider,its fully breaking up and eventually being with someone who is worthy of you. The only thing with waiting until after Christmas is you will then have more memories to cling onto making it harder to let go after. Good luck xx message me if you need to talk
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