| A
female
,
anonymous
writes: Dear Cupid,There's a tutor at my university, who I really fancy, he doesn't teach me but I got chatting to him in a cafe when he sat down next to my flat mates who are his students. He's very nice, a great sense of humour, intelligent, and pretty fit, all his students seem to like him mainly because he's very supportive and un-pretentious. He always says hi to me, and smiles when I pass him on campus, or chats to me if I'm in the cafe when he's there (which is often!).I think he fancies me, but he's not saying anything, particularly as he seems to pay me more attention than his own students, though most of the time he's in this cafe, with other lecturers, or students he's supervising.Problem (my flat-mates think I'm mad, he's twice my age, he's a single parent with two kids aged 10 and 12, who seem to be the only love of his life).
View related questions:
flatmate, university Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (5 November 2005): Dear Female Anon,
The advice you get on this is pretty standard, look around you, date someone your own age! The fact that you are infatuated with this man twice your age with two kids implies that you have, and you've not been too impressed!
My advice is ask him out! Go on a date, test the water, and put him on a kind of probation. It might be the relationship that breaks the mould, an enriching experience, though I think both you and him will not see it as something that will last for ever.
1. Most single parents are resigned to the fact that relationships usually last as long as it takes the other person to discover they have children! And in the context of his "second life", you won't be the only student who has been infatuated with him. But the fact he's a single parent, and the existence of an unwritten code that its a little unprofessional to date students (though not in the context you describe particularly unethical for him), he will hesitate in making the first move, and he will be concerned to do the right thing, which is not to exploit you. He might wish that you would make the first move, certainly he's not going to do it, though probably resigned by now to it not happening!
2. The fact that he's looking after two children, by himself means he's a caring sort of a guy. He's probably going to look after your interests too. He'll be honest, be concerned with your career and reluctant to burdon you with his (and his children). Most single parents aren't actually looking for a mate to down-load their children onto, they actually want to do the parenting themselves. Just as they've got used to being on their own looking after kids, they won't want you to give up your freedom. Academics, need space to write and research it's not a 9-5 job (even if it looks at times like a two hour per day job). Given these factors, and the age difference you will continue to enjoy the freedom of a social life away from him, and a new one that overlaps, but non of the jealiousies of your past boyfriends.
3. He won't have loads of money (because of the children), but have any of your past boyfriends had money. Is that what you want?
3. Try it. It might be the worst thing you ever did, a good experience that developes into a frindship (it probably will not last for ever, he will not assume that), or it might last for ever because it might be the only relationship you will ever have where you still have personal space.
4. You will probably find that most male university lecturers have married one of their former students. Then again he might turn you down...though I doubt it.
I could be wrong about him, but you won't find out by doing nothing. Ask him out, if the first date goes well tell him he's on probation. Be empowered, and if he's a decent guy he will want you to be empowered too.
Good luck, hope it works out.
A
female
reader, eyeswideopen  +, writes (5 November 2005):
 Ahh youth is wasted on the wrong people. Quit wasting your time, get out and have some fun with people your own age. This is your time to shine. Do it.
...............................
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (5 November 2005): What is not to fancy? A pretty coed, half his age, who seems to be infatuated in him? Do you think that this has not happened to him before? Put your head on straight, and date men closer to your own age. With 2 chilren to support, he doesn't have any extra money to take you out very often, if at all. Money is not everything, but family responsibilities are high on the list.
...............................
|
