A
male
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I have met a wonderful person via the use of Eharmony.com and we are now seeing each other in real life and having a spectacular time. I find everything about her to be just what I never knew I needed in a person, but am now so thankful for having. We have an innate ability to bring each other happiness with minimal efforts, and both of us put a lot of effort in and are very appreciative of eachother. So I'll get to my point... I may have found a person within her that I could be happy spending the rest of my life with, but I do not find myself physically attracted to her because of her being overweight. I know that I cannot approach her with this explanation because there is no easy way to approach it. I need her to understand that I care about her as a person so much that I just don't care what she looks like because I know she is an amazing person.At the same time, if she were to lose weight I very much think that the issue would fade away. I'm torn between trying to talk to her about this in some way, or just sticking it out until she either loses weight or my love becomes enough to make me attracted.Please provide me with advice, I don't want to ruin a great thing.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (27 May 2008): Did it occur to you that she has the same doubts about you? Something that she finds repulsive about you. Perhaps your shallowness. You don't deserve her.
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (15 December 2007): i had a problem like that and went to see a psychologist and it did help a lot - the issue was on me, not on her - i didn't like fat people because that was a safe way to prevent me to getting into an intimate relation - it was sort of a defense barrier around me: "i cannot be 100% with her because she is this or that" - bulshit - i was terrified of falling for anyone - therapy worked for me - hope this helps - good luck!
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (11 December 2007): Hmm... I think Frank made some really good points and I'm inclined not to believe that you can make yourself be attraced to someone when you're not. I think the lady deserves better, sorry.
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A
male
reader, Frank B Kermit  +, writes (11 December 2007):
 Congrats man!
-Frank B Kermit
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (10 December 2007): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionEverything has worked out great between my significant other and myself, I greatly appreciate all the POSITIVE advice I have received for my question and it was very helpful. I did indeed confront her about it one day and we talked through it slowly and thoroughly because I have since become attracted to her through the overpowering love I feel for her :-) We are very happy and we have found a very solid foundation for a relationship that focuses around communications and meeting eachothers needs before worrying about our own *wants*, and it seems ot work quite well! Thank you again everybody, Take care!
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (10 December 2007): I am actually in a very similar situation like that, I love the personality of the guy, but I can not find myself attracted to him, and he's not even over weight. I think that in order to have a truly deep relationship you have to have both the physical and emotional connection and if you don't have both the relationship isn't going to work. As much as you may love her you might never be able to make it work. Are you sure that you really love her as someone to be with forever, as in your wife and mother of your children? Or is she just someone that you love, but you love because she is your best friend in the world and knows you better than anyone? maybe its not a question of her weight after all. Maybe she really is just supposed to be your friend...
But if that is not the case and you really do LOVE her...they I would have to agree with most of the other posts here. Start out slow, make little hints, go for jogs, ask her if she wants to join a gym with you. And if you think she really loves you back, then she should be able to understand you when you explain to her that you love her but you worry about her health and that she would be more attractive to you if she were to lose wait...just be very careful how you say it...you don't want to come off sounding like a jerk. Just make it clear how much you really love her and it should all hopefully work out!!!
Good luck
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (17 November 2007): Have you seen the movie "SHALLOW HAL"? You obviously do not love her, or you would love her inside and out. You just "need" her. I am guessing that she treats you with affection and respect and adores you. Are you embarrassed to be with her in public? Marriage has many facets, one is a natural sexual attraction. I truly believe that you will never truly bond with her if you are not physically attracted to her and proud to have her by your side. That is called respect. AND I'm sorry, what's up with the "At the same time, if she were to lose weight I very much think that the issue would fade away"? WOW, what if she told you that you had a small penis and did not satisy her? What a blow to your ego, huh? Stop being so shallow and tell her you can only be friends. Do not lead her on, you will hurt her badly. Let someone love her inside and out.
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A
male
reader, Frank B Kermit +, writes (26 October 2007):
I never said you were using her for her body (obviously!)...but a person can use another for other things like security, or comfort, or or lifestyle, or just to have another person around so not to be lonely or still looking for the right person. Ever hear of "settling"?
If you were all for her as a person like you state, then you would not be struggling with being attracted to her.
I do not think people should be together if there is no attraction there. How do you think she would feel if she read the question on this site? Do you think she would want to be in a relationship where her partner is declaring he is not attracted to her becuase of her weight?
Would YOU want to be with someone that you were attracted to, but that was not attracted to you because of your body? Honestly, how would that affect you? Wouldn't you rather have the chance to be with someone that loved your appearance? DO you think you deserve that? If she is as wonderful as you say...doesn't SHE DESERVE THAT CHANCE?
Hoping she is going to change her weight is not realistic, nor is hoping you will find her attractive when you cleary do not...in fact, people tend to put more weight on after entering a serious long term relationship, not less.
Like I said, you are not ready to be happy with her, if you are letting this kind of hang up stop you now. I met my wife through eharmony...if the love you have with that girl is anything like the connection I have with my wife, then you are a fool to let her weight (your hang up) get in the way.
If you are letting it stop you now, are you going to be able to handle it when the real tests of life hit? I doubt it.
I stand by my answer.
-Frank B Kermit
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (26 October 2007): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionFrank B Kermit, I've never been so offended by advice provided. I state clearly that I am all about who she is as a person, and that the physicality is the only issue at hand. I would think that I would only be "using" her if I loved her body and hated her mind and just wanted sex out of the ordeal.I intend on following everyones advice presented thus far because I beleive attractions can be formed out of love, and exercising with your partner can be very good for bonding. As far as the anonymous suggestion, "Tell her what you've said on here", though I'd love to do so because then she would understand how much I'm into her as a person, I do beleive it would hurt her feelings if she beleived i wasn't physically attracted to her at all. I do have an attraction to certain physical attributes about her and I think its time to focus on the positive. Thank you all so much. With the exception of certain rude individuals, I think I've found a very positive community here, this being my first question, I'm quite happy about it! :-)
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A
male
reader, Frank B Kermit +, writes (26 October 2007):
Break it off NOW. She deserves to be with someone who has it more together.
Simply put, you are not ready to be happy with her. And becuase of this, you are using her.
Set her free, so that she may find someone that does find her attractive.
You say you don't want to ruin a good thing...sounds like she is a good thing, and leading her on and using her becuase you do not have the balls to find someone new, is exactly what is going to ruin her.
Good Luck.
-Frank B Kermit
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (25 October 2007): Depends on how big she is. You will ruin the freindship and her opinon of you if you bring it up now, wait longer and gently bring it up, talk about how you like going running or going for long walks and ask her to join you, talk about healthy eating and if she gets offended just say your worried about her health. It may motivate her to lose weight more if you want it BUT only if you go the right way or she just think your a jerk!
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female
reader, Sweet-thing  +, writes (25 October 2007):
 Whatever you do, don't tell her you're not attracted to her because of her weight. It'll kill her self-esteem and probably depress her. I agree with blueeyedbabe, try focusing on the health aspect of her weight gain and start doing activities together that might help her burn calories. But one word of caution, if she has a weight problem now, it'll probably be something she battles her whole life, think about how a woman's body changes during pregnancy (if you later decide to marry and have a family) and other hormonal fluctuations as we age -- and if you're questioning your attraction to her now, you may later have problems with this topic again. Consider this relationship carefully. Don't jump into any kind of long-term committment because the attraction factor is one of the big things that keeps couples together for the long haul. Good luck.
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female
reader, DrPsych +, writes (25 October 2007):
 It sounds like you are in a rare situation - having met someone over the net and got along afterwards. This sounds like a great friendship but if you don't have that physical attraction then you cannot force yourself to fancy her. It maybe this is a 'just mates' relationship as I don't think it would do her self esteem too much good to hear you don't like her because of her weight.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (25 October 2007): Tell her what you've said on here. And then tell her you'll help her..you'll exercize with her, shop at health food stores, etc. If I had someone to encourage me I'd take the help.
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reader, anonymous, writes (25 October 2007): Weight should have nothing to do with a relationship. Looks are only skin deep. Beauty is on the inside.
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reader, anonymous, writes (25 October 2007): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionMaybe I need to insert a little bit of clarification.
Waterloo Sunset (beautiful name btw)
Yes i do beleive that I'm learning to love the person within. Its not the choice of whether to be with her or not, its just the fact of, well eventually things are going to get more physical than they are currently, and I don't know how to handle that. Because of my emotional involvement I do want to be able to meet her physical needs, but I don't know if I'll be comfortable. the fact of the matter is, every relationship I've ever been in has had a strong emotional connection and plenty of physical attraction, This is the first time I am lacking the latter.
Thank you for the input I've received so far, fast answers! :-)
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reader, anonymous, writes (25 October 2007): Weight is a very touchy subject indeed. If you love her can you not see beyond this weight and love the person that is within? I think you will hurt her deeply if you even try and talk about her size. Maybe in the future when you get really close you could both go for some fun dance lessons. The exercise would help to lose the weight and it could be fun. But dont be brutal and tell her she is fat, that is so horrible.
take care
xx
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A
female
reader, blueeyedbabe +, writes (25 October 2007):
It seems like you in a bit of a pickle.
I think it depends on how overweight she is, as to wether you should talk to her about it. Weight can be a big problem in a females life. If you love her inner body then her weight shouldnt be a problem. Are you sure that her weight is the only problem you have? Being overweight is very bad for her health and this could be a something that you could use to bring up her weight. Maybe try the approach of your worried about her health?
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