A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I'm 41 years old but I think my fifteen-year-old son is gay. I personally do not care if he is or is not but I just want him to tell me. I will call him Abel on here even though that is not his real name. It is hard for me to explain why I think so, it's just that ever since he was in kindergarten he had some boys he talked about all the time and he worried about them a lot and he thought about them a lot. He never really talked about girls. First and second grade was about the same. he had some Boys he overnighted with and 1 time I walked in on him in the second grade tongue kissing another little boy. I told them it was not very nice to do that because we are not supposed to touch each other that way when we are that little. My problem was not the gender my problem was with the child's parents would do. The child in question had a minister for a father. In the third grade, Abel I was constantly getting talked to by my boyfriend back then about always using his hands too much when he talked and putting his hands on his hips all the time. His voice is not really high pitched is actually very low but he uses a lot of inflection his speech and even though he does play some sports such as hockey he is much more interested in the arts. I am not silly enough to assume that that makes a person gay but it makes me wonder why now at his age he has only been friends with girls and not boys. When he does talk about boys he talks about how funny they are and he giggles a lot. He seems almost afraid to approach them as friends. it is entirely possible that he is as straight as an arrow but if he is not I just want him to tell me. All I would do is hug him and tell him it does not matter to me what he is. I have no boyfriend now but my parents his grandparents are very old fashioned and not very accepting. He also attends a Christian school that has just started up again and I am worried because is christian-based that he would get made fun of and believe even worse than he already is. I am not sure how to even start the topic with him. Just to let him know that I would be perfectly fine with whatever he is. Is there a way to start this conversation?And yes in the 7th grade there was an incident where he and his friend who I will call Jacob ran straight into the bedroom unlock the door and we're very very quiet. I thought they were up to no good so I knocked and then came in. To be honest I assumed it had something to do with weed. Because I have smelled that on the Abel before. they jumped away from each other and they look very guilty. That is another reason I am guessing this about my son. Please help me learn how to talk to him.-signed worried Mother-
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reader, anonymous, writes (28 August 2020): Typo corrections:
"Your son is only 15, so his sexual-orientation during puberty is still ambiguous or fluid."
"My dad even told me, he and my mom knew; when I did finally come-out to him."
"As He said Himself, let God be the judge over us; for our choices and behavior in life."
Sorry, I hate making typos! I prefer my comments to be precise; for the sake of their full-meaning, and the tone behind them.
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reader, anonymous, writes (28 August 2020): I'm gay, as one would define my sexual-orientation; so I'll be the first to answer your post. There have been some changes made in my life, all because of God.
Your son is only 15, so his sexual-orientation during puberty is still ambiguous of fluid. How can he admit he's gay, when he isn't quite sure how he feels about it himself; let alone how you feel about it. Parents know their children. Whether they want to accept it or not; they're the first to suspect, or know, if their child might be gay. I personally don't really think coming-out too you is necessarily a good thing at such a young-age; unless a kid is strong enough to handle the unkind-reactions from mean-spirited adults, teasing, and homophobia.
I had older-brothers to teach me to defend myself; and helped me stifle, or hide obvious effeminate-gestures (yes, they noticed) they thought would get me into trouble with bullies. I'm naturally masculine, but when you're just a kid; you might pickup a few delicate-gestures and ways, until male role-models help you out. It's not stifling the boy, unless you insult, bully, and shame him for it. My older-brothers teased; but never bullied me, or hurt my feelings. My dad even told me, he and my mom knew; when I did finally did come-out to him. Mom died when I was only 17. He said I was gentle and very sensitive, compared to my brothers. Very artistic, like your son! That's not a definitive or common-trait, it's more of a stereotype.
I hid my feelings from family until I was in my 20's; but I always knew I preferred guys, even after I lost my virginity to a girl. I had sex with more girls after that; but I just couldn't attach emotionally, or romantically like I could to boys. Never touched a guy, until I was 19; and serving in the Air Force. I wouldn't give-in to my same-sex inclinations, and suppressed them; because at that time, you could get kicked-out! An older-guy was my first male-experience; but I didn't touch another man after him, until I came-out to my childhood-friend and pen-pal. We fell in-love. Long story.
You don't need to push your son out of the closet, and it's best to let him tell you when he is ready to deal with it himself. As for a Christian school, if he has maneuvered his way through peer-pressure up to now; he'll figure it out. If a so-called "Christian" school allows bullying and teasing of their students; maybe he shouldn't be going there. It bothers me that everything of or related to "Christianity" is seen as intolerant and all about a bunch of rules, impossible to keep. Not true, Jesus died for a reason; and God gives grace and mercy.
He made us in His own image, He knows our hearts and weaknesses. He sent Jesus to deal with our sin and deliverance. I didn't just decide I was Christian, I knew what I had to do to be saved. Also a long story.
If your son is gay, he will have to know how to handle himself; and he will have to consider the environment around him, and learn how to adapt to it. He cannot change how people act, or think. I managed, in a time less tolerant than now. Just encourage him to inform you of bullying, or any kind of mistreatment; and address his school about it promptly. Don't allow it to continue under any circumstances, even if you have to hire an attorney! If the school refuses to protect him, put him into another school. Don't torture him! Who's to decide he's gay before he does???
Meanwhile, just keep an eye on him. Love him, and teach him that God loves us all. He doesn't condemn one sin over another; as misguided religious-people misrepresent and falsely teach. If he is to be a Christian; he has to seek his guidance through the Holy Spirit; and let his life be based on God's will. Not what people impose on him through hypocrisy, false-godliness, cruelty, and self-righteousness. If you yourself fornicate, show hate, judge others, you're unforgiving; and don't love your neighbor, and your enemies. You're no spokesmen or representative for God. As He said Himself, let God be the judge us for our choices and behavior in life. He gave us a manual to define whatever behavior we do that He considers to fall in the category of sin and ungodly-behavior. "Let he who is without sin, cast the first stone." If that's how Jesus thinks, so should we. It doesn't mean you practice, condone, or support the evil "anything-goes" worldly-way of thinking; you'll change when Jesus saves you. How, is between you and the Lord.
God is sovereign, and He doesn't require humans to judge people for Him. Pray for your kid, and the Lord will guide you both. Aside from God Himself, you are the closest person in the world to your son. Your instincts are most likely accurate; but it's too soon to expect him to "come-out" when his mind and body still have so much more growing and development to go through. Not all kids are alike, and some are more sensitive than others. You'll get his confirmation in his time, no need to rush it. If it's okay anyway, then what's the rush?
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