A
male
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:well i have been "dating" this amazing lady since March - we are both in out late 30s. Everything has been perfect. Our emails and texts have been out of this world and we both agreed that we can't get over how much we click. Recently we started getting physical (though just passionate kissing). This weekend I cooked a meal for her and we started getting intimate - but I played things cool because I didn't want her to think that was all I was interested in (which i am not!). She had indicated how much she was looking forward to the evening and I think my softly softly approach has seriously backfired. She emailed me the next day to say that being with me made her realise how much she missed her ex still although she says she certainly has no intention of ever getting back with him. Then came the "good friends" thing. We've kissed, dated, kissed more, dated more and up until that point everything was awesome. Could I really have blown everything on such a fleeting moment? i can't help feeling that I should have not been so softly softly on the physical approach - it must take a lot for a woman to make herself vulnerable in this way - prior to that night she sent a lot of emails that were both passionate and emotionally bonding. if I didn't follow the signals would this be enough to make her so disappointed that she would fondly recall her ex's physical exploits and deem me lacking? (I have no lack of confidence in this area, I just thought I'd take things slowly for her sake.) Would this be sufficient reason in a woman's mind to cancel out everything that we had up until that point and offer the "just good friends" thing? I'm devastated and in so much pain!!!! She says she wants to still see me and do things together etc. and is still texting me. Is it just that she needs to get over her ex (broke up a few months ago with him) and then I am in for a chance? How do I go about winning her back? or do I let it go and say goodbye to what I believe was, up until this weekend, the best 3 months of my recent life and all that it promised to be?
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reader, anonymous, writes (28 May 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHi folks - thanks for the answers given. they are much appreciated and help me to get some focus when my thinking feels so muddled and my emotions are in such pain.
A
female
reader, Lani702  +, writes (27 May 2009):
 Wow, that's tough one. My honest answer? Tell her that if she only wants to be "friends" then you'll have to continue on without her because you are looking for "the one" not a "friend". Tell her if she doesn't feel about you the same butterfly-in-the-stomach that you feel about her, then there really is no point. She'll do one of two things: Be honest with you (and herself) and tell you that you do deserve someone who feels the same about you, or, you putting your foot down will really turn her on and she'll want to date you again.
Just make sure that she does one or the other. Its either no, lets be friends or yes, lets date. Don't let her say.."Wellll....lets be friends and we'll see where that leads...". She'll get to have endless dates with you (with you footing all checks) and she'll have this adoring fan in front of her that just makes her feel like a queen and then in the end...nope, you're just a friend. Put your foot down. It's either she likes you "in that way" now or she doesn't like you "in that way" now (whether or not she will in the future, who cares, its now that we're talking about) and if she doesn't like you in that way right now, just say, "All right, lets get a move on, then" and be done with it. You're in your late 30s, you don't have time for this wishy washy crap. She already wasted 3 months of your life. Make her make a choice.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (27 May 2009): Sorry this happened but I don't think it's because of anything you did or didn't do. Her heart is with another man and not open for anyone new. You are at risk for being her rebound guy if you continue to see her so I'd let her know that when she gets over him, she can give you a ring. You don't want to be associated with her getting over him and I think for you to have a chance, cut things off for now and tell her you'll give her the space she needs to recover. It will be a waiting game for you but I think it's your best shot.
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