A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I think my partner is gay. Bold statement I know but please hear me out, I might him 4 years ago and tbh when wee first met I thought he was fully gay and thought wee would just be friends but one night after drinks wee ended up in bed. The next day wee spoke and he told me he was bisexual. At the beginning wee were at it like rabbits and he told me I was the first girl he had been with, he had been with men only till he met. At the time I was just like cool, and wee continued on as friends with benefits till fast forward to a few months down the line in a full relationship to now fully committed and all the rest.The problem I have though is the lack of affectionate he never seems to want to hold my hand, put his arm round me. Wee have gone weeks and yes weeks without even kissing at times never mind sex. I can't help but wounder if being with me for the first year was a novelty that is wearing off and he'd rather be with a man. Laying next to your partner who hasn't even kissed u in weeks never mind anything else crushes your soul. It really does.I have been in relationships with straight men before I met him and in the relationship wee slept together almost every night, snogged in bed before sleeping even if wee were tired. Just diffrent.I find myself longing to be deseried like that again. I haven't and wouldn't cheat on him but t I can't deny the desire to be wanted like that again is there. I couldn't help myself but I looked at photos he has on his fb from years ago with his then boyfriend and he looks happier than he's ever been with me.I have also brought up his past that he has been with men, I'm in my late 20s and he is 40s so of course he has a whole lifetime before he met me and tried to say in a nice way I know of it, you have been open with me just speak to me. Every time I mentioned anything about it he gets extremely angry with me. Like he wants it forgotten he even liked other men. I have many gay friends and before our kid came along i spent most of my nights out with them at gay clubs. They have all said he is most definitely in closet and playing house and they ain't convinced. Some of them have actually known him longer than me. There's so much he does for me and takes care of me and our kid, so many things I could say he is wonderful at.I'm that open minded that if he did confess he was to me, I'd honestly be like okay I knew it, I still love u and proud of u coming to this at last.So he has nothing to fear if he would be honest he'd get nothing but my support and respect for it. How could I be angry? I wouldn't not with something he's clearly struggling to admit to even himself. As I said he's a good man and in a lot of ways yes I'm lucky but I don't think he desires me. At the moment I'm hurting because I can't help but think he is and yes I believe he loves me but I'm not sure if I'm what he really wants sexually. I think there is love there but I don't know if he is in love with me. How do I approach it? Do I? Am I wrong and being unfair?
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female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (6 October 2021):
 Not all bisexuals go from male to female partners over and over, some DO have a preference for one or the other. It doesn't make them gay. They CAN be attracted to both sexes, sexually. Most gay people are NOT going to date long-term someone of the other sex. Unless they feel a need to "conform" to societal and/or family wishes/demands/expectations.
You two have been together for 4 years, so MANY things become routine. Sex can be one of those things.
I think you should talk to him (not in front of the kid) but express that you miss the intimacy, the romance you had in the beginning. That it makes you feel less desired by him. Don't open with - I think you are more attracted to men. Because that will put him on the defensive. It can of course come up in the conversation but start "gently".
I'm also guessing that since he also dated men in the past he is a bit "ignorant" when it comes to a male/female relationship and what women need versus what men needs. Because there IS a difference.
But overall I think you should talk to him - NOT your friends, about this. The sooner the better.
He is your partner, so talk to him.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (4 October 2021): BTW, if you should part; you and your child deserves his contribution to child-support. It is very likely he'll want to continue being a part of his child's life. You can encourage that, but you can't force it. You can enforce regular payment of child-support. FYI
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (4 October 2021): The one thing to your benefit is that you've known all along that he is "probably" bisexual. At least that's what he claims; and having sex with you has somewhat confirmed. At least he never hid the fact that he's sexually-attracted to men.
I'm sorry to say, his lack of affection and a lack-luster sex-life is not necessarily related to desiring men more than (or instead of) you. It could just be that the relationship, as it once was, has just run its course. Not necessarily the novelty of it; but the substance or emotional-elements that it was founded upon.
Do you read DC? If you do so regularly; you'll read dozens upon dozens of posts from women with supposedly "confirmed" heterosexual-husbands and boyfriends, posting the very same complaint. No spontaneous affection, no interest in cuddling, no interest in kissing, or foreplay; and long dry periods without sex. Porn accounts for a big part of that.
You seem to be a very open-minded and level-headed person. You've spoken to his and your gay-friends; who've given you the tea, and they don't seem to be completely casting "shade" on him. You knew of his gay-exploits before you both became a couple; so now things have changed, or have come to a crossroads. You may as well say "the gay-reality has resurfaced."
Your instincts may be correct in the sense that he is ready to move on from a committed-relationship. His gender preference hereafter, is yet to be determined. In any (you might say all) relationships; passion and sex will plateau and/or dive. In even the strongest of romantic-relationships, our passions fluctuate between hot and cold, then warn to tepid, then back to hot. Many factors affect our sex-life. Our health, exhaustion, anger, side-effects from drugs (alcohol, medication), temporary erectile-dysfunction, stress; and boredom with having the same sex-partner. Sex becomes routine and predictable. It happens to you, me, Lottie, Dottie, and everybody!
No approach is better than the direct-approach. You shouldn't put yourself through this; you may as well address this issue head-on.
I do recommend that you take some of the commentary from your gay-friends with a grain of salt. They're going to add a dash of gay-drama and sprinkle a little glitter for the sake of theatrics; but they seem to have tried to be helpful. I wouldn't air my dirty-laundry, or my sex-life; so freely, if I were you! Beware the "stereotypical gossip-grapevine," and sharing of "tea;" all at your expense. Plus, you're airing his business behind his back; for them to scrutinize and criticize. That's not fair.
Their opinions regarding whether he is "bi," or completely homosexual, is subjective. They can't read his mind; and cannot offer you a definitive answer on that. Just take their advice into consideration. Draw no firm conclusions from it. Only he knows what's truly in his heart; and the only way to know what it is, is to ask HIM! If he's not forthcoming, follow your own gut-instincts or intuition.
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