A
male
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:help!!!!!My girlfriend and I are on the edge of a breakup...We’ve been dating a little over 2 yearsI think something happened in her life because her entire personality seems to have changed in the past monthShe went home for holidays and at first she was like normal, she'd call me and we'd talk about our day, or whatever. then slowly, as the break went on, she started calling less and less and eventually a week or two went by where we did not talk at all and she ignored my attempts to call or message her myself.then when she got back from holidays I did get the chance to see her in person so I asked her if something was wrong and why she hadn't spoken to me for so long, all she could say was "I was busy, I got done every day exhausted because of all the family stuff we were doing, and honestly everyone who texted me annoyed me because I was busy and my phone was just annoying, so I ignored most people." I asked her where our relationship stands and she said "I want us to work out; I don't want to break up." I said ok, but I’d like to just have a little talk, nothing bad, no arguing or anything, just to talk about how we can prevent this sort of thing from happening. I mean I told her that when she doesn't return my call or text for that long it actually makes me worry something might have happened to her, and that I love her and I am of course concerned about her well-being and her happiness.She agreed that we should talk.Now, four times she has given a time to talk to me, but when the actual time came to do so she suddenly had other things to do. Every excuse she has given is in and of itself very reasonable, like, need to meet with a professor for office hours, or got behind in homework and really needs to finish before class or whatever. I finally told her today that while I understand that she has school and is busy that we really do need to make some time for us to just talk out any problems and to get things back on track with our relationship. She immediately snapped back at me, calling me selfish and saying I don't care about obligations in her life. The argument escalated, and I finally said, maybe I was wrong but I said that I felt she was always putting everything else in her life first and that if we are going to be in a relationship she needs to be able to put aside a reasonable amount of time for us together. It is not like I expect her to be at my beck and call 24 hours a day, or even to be in contact constantly, just that we could once a week or so have some fun time together that's just for us, go on a date a movie whatever. well anyway I tried to explain that to her and she just got even angrier and said I am being a selfish child and that because of my comments she doesn't think she owes me any time at all, and that she was going to see if we could hang out this weekend but now she's going to make other plans on purpose because she shouldn't have to put up with "childish selfish behaviour".Finally she just stopped answering completely; just abruptly she started ignoring messages. then suddenly she texted to ask if I could give her something back that she had borrowed me as she needed it, so I responded saying yes and asked when she wanted to get it, she didn't answer for several hours, so I wrote again just saying hey when do you want to get your stuff, she again got snappy and said "maybe I didn't answer because I was busy? you really do think the world revolves around you." so I said ok just tell me when you need your stuff back and she stopped answering again, then late this evening she said "coming tomorrow at this time, friend will be with me." it feels like she's shoving that in my face too, or maybe to make sure I can't engage her in any conversation, again she's trying to avoid the actual "talk" that she agreed to so many times.As I said earlier she's just not herself at all. she has always been such a happy, high-spirited person, part of what made me fall so much in love with her, her personality just radiated warmth through the room, I could be in tears over something that hurt me and I could call her and within minutes she could have me laughing and happy again. She always was like this even when I wasn't upset; she was just so much fun to be around. Now she just seems so irritated, edgy and hostile, and I’m not sure why. the very idea of her making a comment like that, threatening or planning to do something that might hurt my feelings almost to get back at me, is completely not like her at all. She never has been a spiteful or vindictive person in any way, this is the first time I’ve seen her act this way. She’s never ever been like this before, in the entire time we've dated.It’s scary, because I feel that something has happened in her life that's causing her to act this way. but she won't talk to me about it, let alone anything else, she just gets angry and hostile towards me now, and I feel that she's either going to break up with me, or for some reason she's trying to push me to the edge and make me break up with her. maybe then she can blame it on me and say I'm the one who gave up, I dunno, but I don't want to break up with her, I still do love her and I still think the happy her is still in there but for some reason that I wish I understood she's just gotten so angry.I want to help her somehow, I really feel everyone deserves to be happy, and seeing her so happy before was one of the things I loved so much about her, just knowing she was so happy and radiated it every day was great... now I can tell she's unhappy, but she won't talk, she either deliberately puts it off or simply doesn't try hard enough to talk. I am so confused and scared and I don't know what I can do anymore.A lot of people would just say to talk to her, but I don't seem to be able to do that. if I do approach her again about it, given what she's done lately, she'll probably say she's sorry and give another time... and then something else will come up.I don't want to give ultimatums because they usually don't end up working out well for anyone, but I am not sure what I can do...
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reader, anonymous, writes (26 January 2013): I can relate to your girlfriend to an extent as I am currently struggling with university, a new job and new friends etc and I know that makes me often edgy and 'hostile'. My boyfriend sounds very similar to you in that he persists to try and fix things but not necessarily in a selfish way, just out of concern. I relate however because there is times when things aren't fantastic in a relationship when talking just can't fix things yet, space to think and evaluate are very necessary and often excuses are given for avoiding these 'talks' because the person who is struggling feels like there partner can't accept they need the space, so agree and gives excuses.Just because you do not want to break up with her does not mean you have to put up with cruel treatment if it occurs, but at the same token just because you are comfortable and in a good place and sure about things does not necessarily mean she does and you must respect that fact. Give her time, and REAL space (if she doesn't reply, don't text again, she will reply when she is ready), and if such problems persist it may be time to call it a day. Keep positive though, you sound like a caring guy and I know you aren't selfish it's just hard to give someone space when you want to be closer, but it's how things sometimes have to be, it's tough but it doesn't always mean a break up is imminent.Good luck and I hope things work out.
A
female
reader, jadedpearl +, writes (26 January 2013):
 To the male "anonymous" responder---She COULD have cheated but that does not mean she "probably" cheated..."she has fucked someone else, it's simple.." YEAH RIGHT. Let me tell you this. I am a female age 20, the same thing happened to me. I went home for the holidays to spend time with my parents. I honestly needed some breathing room from my boyfriend. I felt smothered by him, he was having financial issues, out of work and just overall stressed. I needed to get away from that stressful environment. I wouldn't automatically assume she cheated on you because I did not cheat on my guy while I was away. I just wanted to be alone and focus on ME. I broke it off with him. I was not ready for such a serious committed relationship. The most important thing for me right now is finishing school and establishing a career for myself and your girlfriend might be doing the same. She sees you as a distraction. She is probably acting snapping because she annoyed by you. Giver her some space and back off. Let her come to you. Don't bother her about wanting to talk. The more you frustrate her the further you push her away. My situation was so similar to yours. Just give her some time to be alone even if it means talking less for a few months. If you don't be prepared for a full on breakup sometime in the near future.
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A
female
reader, AProblemShared  +, writes (26 January 2013):
 It seems that she isn't ready to talk about the issues your having just yet and probably does just need some space. She isn't necessarily seeing anyone else either, the break with her parents might have just given her time to think about the relationship and whether or not it's something she wants right now. This doesn't mean your doing anything wrong. My best advice would be give her chance to calm down and while you do that think about what you want to. Everyone deserves a bit of happiness and your missing out on yours at the moment. Good luck, hope this helps.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (26 January 2013): It seems she found someone at home and probably cheated on you. She needs space, just give her that and have other activities that will keep you busy. If she has changed towards you, she has fucked someone else. It's simple
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