A
female
age
51-59,
*icegirl
writes:I worry that my friends take advantage of my kindness and take my friendship for granted, perhaps I'm being too sensitive, but it feels they ask far more favors than they do and they often forget to show their thanks. I have in the past tried talking to some of them about this but have not been very successful. I know I am not very confident, but I am trying to work on it and don't want to be a doormat. Still, I fear losing them and being lonely...any good advise welcome. Reply to this Question
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female
reader, ProveIt2Yourself  +, writes (26 December 2010):
I must first say that I feel for you in your situation. Second, I think that you know what your problem is. It is you. Because of your fear you place yourself under other people's feet, because at least it keeps you near them. If people don't generally like and accept you being their friend there is nothing you can offer them that will change them. You have to spend more time realizing your worth and genuine friends will come. Water seeks it's level. Become the friend that you want others to be to you.
A
female
reader, ProveIt2Yourself +, writes (26 December 2010):
I must first say that I feel for you in your situation. Second, I think that you know what your problem is. It is you. Because of your fear you place yourself under other people's feet, because at least it keeps you near them. If people don't generally like and accept you being their friend there is nothing you can offer them that will change them. You have to spend more time realizing your worth and genuine friends will come. Water seeks it's level. Become the friend that you want others to be to you.
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A
female
reader, ProveIt2Yourself +, writes (26 December 2010):
I must first say that I feel for you in your situation. Second, I think that you know what your problem is. It is you. Because of your fear you place yourself under other people's feet, because at least it keeps you near them. If people don't generally like and accept you being their friend there is nothing you can offer them that will change them. You have to spend more time realizing your worth and genuine friends will come. Water seeks it's level. Become the friend that you want others to be to you.
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A
male
reader, Le_Professeur  +, writes (16 April 2010):
 I think I can relate most to A female reader, anonymous, writes (14 May 2008).
@ the original author
I too felt that I was being taken advantage of but i wondered if I was being over-sensitive and worrying about nothing until certain events started to be revealed to me and I actually 'tested' the person to see if they were actually using me or not. I did this a) to confirm my suspicions b) to have proof in the event of a confrontation
Well after matters came to a head a confronted them and they were like "sorry" but I didn't get any indication that they would try to improve their behavior...eventually I rolled out the matters that annoyed me and proof and they went from "I don't know what the big deal is..." to lies and excuses...well I made sure that I wasn't bashing them or anything but merely highlighting what I had problems with...in the end they said "They can't change the way they feel, I'm sorry things didn't work out(in response to the empty promises and plans we made)".
So we have drifted apart and while she does speak/acknowledge me occasionally since I pulled out my contribution in the 'relationship' there is little interaction...but what I also learned is that there are many friends out there waiting for you to meet. I lost her and found no less than TEN friends within a 15 week period.
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A
male
reader, Dannyboi +, writes (16 August 2009):
I've also been in this situation and it went on for about 3 years. There was this friend and she always had problems and almost none of her other friends understood her or helped her as much as I did. I was always there to help her through thick and thin and the one time I asked her for help all she told me was to get over it or "oh I don't know" and even "oh you're too needy". She would toss me aside until she needed me to talk to her about another problem she had. She would never show appreciation for anything that I did for her. Not a thank you, hug of appreciation, or anything at all. For everybody else though that didn't help her as much as I did she would give them hugs and treat them nicely. I confronted her it isn't fair that everyone else gets the nice and sweet side and I get the rest. She told me that she just couldn't be nice to me and she didn't know why. I told her that if she couldn't treat as nice as she treated everyone else and if she did'nt stop taking advantage of me and my aidfulness and kindness then I don't want to be friends with her. She just took it as a "whatever" kind of thing and said I was too needy and too sensitive and that I should stop asking to be treated nicely. So as of May 2009 we are not friends anymore. If this is similar to your situation I suggest stop being friends with her if she is not willing to stop taking advantage of you.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (11 July 2009): im going through something kindof like u are but not exactly. ik most people would say to forget about your friend..but thats not what i reccomend. u should talk to her about how u feel but be strict about it. dont show any signs of being scared or unsure. make ur point and follow through with it. dont let anyone ever take advantage of u. i know how it feels and it absolutley sucks. hope this helps.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (21 May 2008): A boy who talk to me but Ithink he is using me asking money, but i use to talk to him every time but he never likes to call me when say him to call dose he have got a girl friend
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (14 May 2008): I recently went through the same type of situation. It always seemed like I would do my one really "close" friend favors, and she would never return them if I needed something. I confrunted her on the situation and she acted like she never did anything wrong and told me she did not want to change. I was also afraid of losing her as a friend, but than I bagan to realize that a true friend would not do that. And I have learned that in live we are constently growing and changing...and don't want people in my life who are not willing to change. So there are many people...expecially girls in your same situation.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (10 September 2007): I think it would help you to read this article. It would also help you to hold yourself in a higher regard. You know the saying, "Treat others as you would want to be treated", well you should not let others treat you like you don't want to be treated. I'm adding this link for an article titled "You teach people how to treat you!" I think this will help. Good luck, and God Bless.
http://www.reallifecoach.com/teachpeople.htm
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A
female
reader, nicegirl +, writes (2 July 2007):
nicegirl is verified as being by the original poster of the questionthanks for the advice...I am seeking ways to be more confident/assertive...and am trying hard not to 'cling' to friends, but still fear being left all alone...but truly thank you for your advice, I know you are right and hope to discover some true friends in my life
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A
female
reader, happytochat  +, writes (1 July 2007):
You can still be a great friend who cares and gives a lot, without being taken advantage of and walked all over. Its call being assertive, which is something you could look into developing. There are heaps of self help books and web sites out there that talk about being assertive, it means geting what you want without being agressive or taking advantage of others or leting them do that to you.
People will always try to take advantage of you, there a very few who won't. Beleive me, I know, I alike you have had trouble with saying no to people, always being walked on like a doormat. But since a recent class I took at uni on assertiveness I've found ways to change and its really helped. I used to always go by the belief that, if people want to take advantage of me then they are just bad people, why should I change? They shoul change becuase its wrong for them to do that in the first place. But sadly, this will never happen. So you have to change yourself, in order to protect yourself.
So have a search on the web or a book shop for info on the topic of assertivness then you may find some way to help yourself. Alternativly you could think about talking to counsellor who could help a lot too.
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A
male
reader, Jamer70 +, writes (1 July 2007):
 Never do anything for people to keep them as friends. I know what it feels like to have your generousity taken advantage off and its never good. How about you take a few days a pull a your generousity into yourself, do what makes you you!!! If your friends become resentful because your not doing stuff for them. You have your answer that they were never your friends.
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A
female
reader, flower girl +, writes (30 June 2007):
 Please don't do things for people just because you are afraid of losing them as friends, because if they are real friends they will be there for you no matter what you do or don't do for them.
Just like relationships, friendships need give and take and recognition, and if your friends can not see that then they are not real friends.
Take care.xx.
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