A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I think my Dads having an affair, I found pictures on his work phone of a family friend topless, he often goes round to their house as he's best friends with her husband. I dont know what to do because I dont know for definate that he's having an affair but why else would he have these pictures??Please help.
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, Theawsomeperson!!  +, writes (18 October 2010):
Hi there,
If you want to you can approach your mother
or you could approach your father.
If it is making you feel uncomfortable you have
a right to talk, but if you don't feel up to it,
might be good to get more proof.
=] Good Luck!!
A
female
reader, ray-ray  +, writes (15 December 2009):
 Well he might be but just ask if you can go with him one day and see they just maybe doing work or something well all the best xx
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A
male
reader, souljadude  +, writes (6 October 2008):
hey guys... well.. lets see, i sure im not einstein or something like that... but im sure i have experience on the subject... to start: i´ve known that my dad cheats my mom with other women since i was in third grade... yeah, i know not the nicest age to find out, but i survived... at the beginning he did it with any girl... im talking horehouses... random bar type single casual strangers... friends.. secretaries...etc. etc.. my dad has tried them all, how many? (300 aprx) and.. no he is not a ninpho... i know the guy... hes misses all of the love he never got from his parents... and im sure that dives him crazy... not to protect him... but i know that very deep inside, im sure he regrets cheating on my mom.. and hurting my family... but as everyone knows.. when we men thing with the other head... they tend to screw up... well...
the thing is that about 8 years ago.. he got tired of trying every bitch that passed by.. and had a "stable" relationship with a former secretary of his. yucky i know.. but what can you expect... well... this egocentric disrespectful and very interested ($$$) lady, mad his world spin unfortunately..,. for this reason... they had a bastard son that is 8, and a girl that has 3... yeah.. i have other siblings.. and it sucks.. i havent met them.. but i dont think i want to either... well...
thing is that.. all of this happened.. while my parents are still maried... my mom went of to madrid.. for 2 years to clear her mind and visit her mom... however... this sad situation is not over yet...
now this bitch is trying to make my dad make a happy family with her.. but he wont... but its more than obvious that she just wants his money.. having in ming many things, especially that shes like 12 years younger...
well.. i know im probably borring some.. but i just wanted to set a context...
thing is.. that my dad has an affair.. while hes still married.. i thing my ma knows... my older kinda does.. but i dont want ir to be an open theme, it wont be positive for his schizophrenia.. and my youger bro has 15.. bare knows about it... but is too busy dealing with his social communication problems, and adolescence... well about the whole thing: my dad knows i know... ive kept this kind of a secret for some years... and gave him indirect comments everyonce in a while for years... now 12 years have passed.. im 20 and i realized its time to stop... i also realized, that eventhough its my dads fault... and not only the responsibility of the lady... hes kind of sorry for everything, and is at a stage in which he wants to organize his life, get in tough with god, confess what he has done in more than 25 years, and try to feel more relaxed and less tense... he barely can sleep sometimes, and sometimes looses apetite.. and i understand that some may feel, and ask a question. Dude, why do you hive him so much slack and put yourself in his position so much? well i only have to say that is for only one reason. LOVE... To set aside all of the bad feelings this affair has given me, was very hard... at the begining i hated him, but now ive learned to forgive... and i realize that behing that worried mind, that is always there watching if we lack of economic necesities, or if my brother want to school... or the way he loves my older brother... even more after he was diagnosed with schizo 10 years ago.. or the way weve delt with his cisis, medication, phsicological treatment, and many other faces.. gives me a diferent face of that my dad is.. i know that in the bottom of all.. we are the nucleus of his life..
on this line, after consulting my psichologist, and my confesor, i got to the conclusion that it was time to stop playing games... What was i waiting for?... To what extent was i going to let the whole situation keep playing? I filled up with courage and motivated by the love of God.. i spoke to him at starbucks for mire than 4 hours...
he told me lots of things.. and I told him what i knew.. i know i still dont know many things.. and that maybe i wont either.. but what leaves me cool, is the idea, that 1. he wants to change...2. we are acting like grown ups, and speaking instead of argueing or fighting...3. and most important, he is sharing many things, and is willing to trust me, and let me know more of who is he trully.
Im very glad this open dialogue is taking place.. cause i dont know how much time we have.. his 57 im 20, im not sure if im going to study abroad, or if im going to haver time later, or even if im going to make it to 90 yers old...
I chose to sieze the day, and i happy i chose this path... its true that it is the hardest... but its the best to solve things...
Keeping it quiet.. or speaking with anyone but not with him wont solve anything... on the other had.. it may cause serious woulds in your mind and soul, like a girl that said that not telling she knew about his dad girl... ate her insides since she was 16... well the las thing you want to do, it get tangled in this problem that ur not responsible of... first is your personal integrity, then the rest... this is one healthy egocentrist thought that will help alot.
well what can i say... God did not want me to have the most perfect family in the world.. nor the best relations with my parents... but he gave me a brother with a mental condition, an inmature dad, and a defensive mother... but beyond everything one can feel sorry for and sob all day.. i realize all of this tought me many things in diferent ways.. knoledge wise, attitude wise, and also when it comes to experiece... I feel i can help people that are going through tough phases, and I like to, its always been in me. I hope nobody experiences the feelings of not only finding out bad things about your family but also, the idea of not being able to speak to some one that can help.
what helped me?
I thing that my attitude of always investigating seeking for the truth since young make de grow up when i was a kid.. later i went to a religious retreat when i was 15 before my confirmation.. there i met God face to face.. and i totally changed.. im talking 360 degrees.. im sure i wouldnt have done so many imporoovements if it would have been for HIM!... being a real catholic helped me a lot.. constant confesions, and having guidance of brothers and priests made me understand many valuable things, understanding the power of mass and its need, as well as constant confesions and guidance and sincere humble talks with god before going to sleep every night, makes me wonder not only how much he loves me, but also how much hes protected me since the day my dad got twisted... ive seen many miracles, and im not trying to be bias because of my faith, dont think that im onw of those lausy fanatics that praise got for tradition or has weird motivations... no i met Him, it was real, and im so happy for it..i home people have the same luck that i did in having an experience where i could meet Him...
well, its true that few of my problems are solved.. as well as the relationship between my family, expecially my partents... but what gives me hope the most, and positive thoughts.. is the fact that im not alone in this... I have him.. and I also have many people I can give advice.. I dont know what will i do for a living or where would i be in 20 years from know... but what i do know.. is that I would have tried my best every day to correct an inocent mans mistake, and I hope to look at Him, and say, thanks for being there always, Ive done the best i can according to your will.
I dont know what comes in my future of what tests or battles ill have to face...
but what i do know.. is that I will be happy no matter what happens...
God has gifted me so much, that no problems or circumstances should give me reasons to feel sad or cry for no reason.
I know i wrote a lot, for those who took the time.. dont feel sorry, cause it feel its a victory experience, and im happy for what happened to me.
I home something helped,
I anyone needs advice or need to talk about anything,
feel free to email=)
take care,
dont sink in a glass full of water,
let your hearts be generous,
God Bless you all!
-ángel b=)
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (15 May 2008): I think that my dad is having an affair becuase i have msn and he does and in the chat log viewer it says stuff liek i want sex and soon i told my best mate and she said tell someone i dont want to ruin my family as we live in a oub and are really busy so i dont know when he has time anyway. i dont want to tell anyone becsue i dont want to ruin my family i know i should but i just cant :( i am confused and i hate my dad at this moment he has not being acting differently but still, i am feeling bad for my mother. i dont know what to do the bset thing to do is tell someone i no that i should do, instead of telling you ro but i am scared maybe it will just go away and stuff. i love my family and i am unsure what to doyou do what you want to do i would tell someone i woould ask for advise from a family member or friend but i would tell someone i am planning on it good luck with whatever you do x
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (30 March 2008): Ask him, definitely, you are aged 18-21 so should be able to approach him on an adult level.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (30 March 2008): Oh yuck.
This reminds me of something I found when I was 16.
I went onto the family computer and found that my father had left a webbrowser open on the website "ashley madison", which I quickly learned was a website for married people to use to connect with others that they would like to sleep with... sort of like a database of everyone in your area who wants to have an affair. He had a profile listing his sexual interests and what he was looking for (casual sex), as well as many messages in his inbox from other women arranging meeting times/places and so on.
I snooped more than I should have and found out things I never wanted to know about my dad (his sexual kinks being one- yuck).
I never confronted him. I pretended I hadn't read it. I am now 20, still never talked to him about it. And it has affected the way I view him in ways I didn't anticipate. I find that I have lost all of my respect for him. I think of him as a dirty old man, and I pity my mother immensely because she has no idea about any of it (this was made explicit by the content of his messages, worrying about "his wife" finding out, etc). And she's been with him for over 20 years. It sort of tears me up inside because I feel like... I should tell, but then it's not any of my business... anyway, keeping this secret has eaten me alive and I always try to distance myself from my dad because I have no respect for him. It's not a good situation.
Now.
I suggest that you ask him about it immediately. If you don't, you will ruin your relationship with him. You'll always be wondering what hes up to, and if hes being faithful, and what kind of guy he is. I wish I had said something when i was 16. Now I have moved out, I just don't think about it but when I am with him, I cant help but wonder if he's still cheating. Maybe if I had mentioned something, things would have been different for everyone. Secrets hurt hearts and damage relationships. Ask him. Maybe ask to borrow his phone one day, and then take a photo of yourself and pretend to review that photo and "Stumble" across those photos right in front of him. Then you can act surprised and say, "dad what the hell is this?".
I dunno. It's tricky to get involved with the sex lives of parents... but your mother might want to know if he is having an affair...
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A
female
reader, chellexxxxx +, writes (30 March 2008):
You havent said if your parents are still together but then either way this isnt right. You need to speak to your dad and ask him outright. The look on his face should confirm things. My dad had an affair and i knew for 2 years and kept it secret because i didnt want to see my mum hurt. However people always find out in the end and my mum is now so much happier and they are both moving on with their lives. Good luck x
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A
female
reader, natasia +, writes (30 March 2008):
 I guess it's true you shouldn't have been looking on his phone, but he's your dad, and I imagine you didn't think you'd find anything that it wasn't OK to see.
It's really hard to tell. What sort of photos were they? They could have been done for a laugh, they could mean nothing, or they could mean something. Problem is, you can't ask him, or his best friend, or anyone, actually. It's a pity you've seen them. The main thing is, you can't possibly conclude just from this that your dad's having an affair.
I don't know. Actually, if it was my dad, I WOULD ask him. I'd say 'Dad - what are these photos?" straight out, and be prepared to take whatever he said, even if I didn't like it. You're old enough to cope. But it all depends on your relationship with your dad.
Yep, the more I think about it, the more I think you can't worry about this - you have to ask him, if you can. Good luck.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (30 March 2008): Well, weren't you being a little "nosey" yourself? It may or may not be a "serious" thing. Though I may not approve of it, it does not necessarily mean he is involved with the woman in any other way. I would say that you should say and do nothing. It may be an uncomfortable thing for you to know, but you will learn many things in your life that show you that people are not perfect, or even the icons of purity you thought they were. It does not mean you should love them less.
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