A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I just want other opinions...my boyfriend served in the armed forces, he's quite the hard ass at times, and he's the stereotypical alpha male. A friend of his is visiting him this week. This friend is also in the service and is coming from Iraq. I am not allowed to visit him this week while the friend is there. He and the friend are sharing my boyfriend's bed, when my boyfriend could easily stay in his son's room and allow his guest his own bed alone. I know this because when I asked why I couldn't come up for a visit, he said "Joe is going to be in my room with me, and I don't want an audience." I asked him where in his room because there's not much room for a cot, and he said 'Oh, he's just going to share my bed with me." I didn't say anything, but couldn't help but think why my boyfriend wasn't just sharing his son's room (his son has bunk beds), or sleep on the couch. We have been dating four months. I'd have to say he talks about this friend coming to visit pretty frequently...I have known this guy is coming to visit since we started dating. Also, my boyfriend is pretty trusting and open with his personal business, and I have his email address and password. Before I get accused of snooping, he asked me to order a bunch of stuff for him and I needed his email address and password for confirmation, receipt, etc...I didn't open any other emails, but I did catch the subject line from a couple from Joe and they clearly said "Hey sweetheart.." I can't imagine my boyfriend calling another man or allowing another man call him that. My boyfriend also frequently states how much he doesn't like gay men, or how he hates it when gay men look at him. (I will admit, he's very nicely built and don't blame gay men, or anyone interested in men, checking out his ass.)Why would he go so far out of his way to say this? I have other friends that don't like homosexual behavior, but they don't bring it up on a regular basis, or get tight lipped and lock jawed every time there's a gay guy near. When we first had sex, I made it clear I did not like anal. When we were in bed together, he asked me if we could do it. I said no, and he asked me a couple more times, until I finally exploded and said I would not do it no matter how much he asked. (bad past experiences...not what your thinking, my ex was rough and inexperienced, so it turned me off.) He dropped it, but after a few weeks he asked again, and I lightened up a little and said if he was gentle and would stop whenever I asked, we could try. He was very gentle and loving during the whole thing, but I have to admit, the couple times I have allowed him to do that were the times I've felt the greatest connection to him. Also, I like touching everywhere I can reach when I'm giving oral, and I asked him if he minded if I touched him anally. He said it was fine, and seemed to greatly enjoy it. I've been with other men and asked them if I could touch them there, and the answer was a flat out "no"...and that was from men who aren't homophobic at all. My boyfriend is the biggest homophobic I've ever known, and he loves it when I touch his ass. I would think with that homophobia of his that he wouldn't let anyone near his ass within 5 feet. I know this all sounds like speculation, and he could just be have an unusually close friendship with his buddy and they want to stay up all night like teenage girls so that's why they're in the same room, and the homophobia is genuine, and the love of ass play is normal sexual behavior from gay or straight men. But this is the really puzzling part...I haven't heard from him since his friend has come to visit. Not a phone call, not a text. Nothing. I even threatened him with breaking up and I still haven't heard anything. Before the threat text, I sent one to his son and asked him if his dad was alright. His son said yes and wanted to know why I asked. I told him son that I was just curious because I hadn't heard from him in a couple hours. (I don't want his son to know that there may be a problem between me and his father...his son really likes me and I don't want to worry him unnecessarily.)I'm mighty tempted to scour every email his friend has sent him in the past several months, but I can't do that...we respect each other's privacy. He has been married twice, both failed. He hasn't held down a relationship for more than a year. (Outside of his first wife...that lasted 6 years.)I know, the two marriages and failed relationships should be red flags, but we get along very well and we have a great connection and chemistry. I have a few failed relationships and a divorce under my belt too, so I didn't think it would be fair to judge him based on his history with women. But now that I sit back and look at the big picture, I'm really starting to think he may be bisexual or gay. If he's bi I'm fine with that, but if he's gay, I don't want to be tied in a relationship with him where's he's unsatisfied and unhappy, and just in it with me so his other alpha male friends don't think he's a fag. Am I over analyzing this?
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male
reader, yum yum  +, writes (18 October 2011):
 Your boyfriend is a homosexual in denial or/and leading a double life with his so called "friend". No heterosexual man would call or allow a friend to call him a "sweetheart" unless there is something going on between them. That is showing affection for him in a romantic and emotional way. Gays in denial are frequently known to be very homophobic. I have gay friends that had similar behaviours towards their wife's/girl friends before they came out of the closet.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (17 October 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI'm positive that his friend is a male...they used to share living quarters in the army and I have seen pictures.
Another thing...I clearly stated that I wasn't snooping, and that I don't want to snoop...
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A
female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (17 October 2011):
 Yes I do think you are over analyzing this.
Failed marriages doesn't equate being gay. From what you are describing I think he has had 2 failed marriage because of his attitude to his partners, not because of his sexual orientation. Liking to be stimulated by his GF in the rear doesn't equate to being gay.
The homofobic tendencies however I see as bigger red flags. If he is bi sexual, he is scared of his "gay" ( in lack of a better term) side.
Respect his privacy for your own sake. Once you start snooping it's a slippery slope. One thing that does pop to mind is that there is something else going on. I can't see why he has to cut all communications with you because he is hanging out with a buddy. That is a red flag.
Are you sure his buddy "joe" is a male?
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (17 October 2011): I don't think you're over analyzing it. In fact I think you're intuition is there for a reason. I would listen to it. You're intuition is telling u something isn't right but u logically cannot pinpoint where. This relationship isn't even that old. Save yourself the grief.....and simply walk away. When I read your post, I took everything into consideration and that there could or could not be a problem. The problem that sticks out like a sore thumb is how he is neglecting u. Consider the long run, you're with this guy and something happen whereby u need to contact him...unfortunate he's busy and doing the no contact rule while there's no problem for the two of u. Do u really want someone who will shut u out of their life at will without an email, phone call, visit, or text message?
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