A
female
age
30-35,
*anedoodles
writes:So lately I’ve been feeling insecure about sex. Me and my bf had an argument that he was following strippers on Instagram. He ended up deleting it. I told him that it made me feel disrespected and insecure. He said that he thought about why he followed them and it’s because he’s trying to fill in the void by me not imitating when it comes to sex. He says that me not imitating makes him feel unwanted and he resorts to following them. He said that he’s not sexually satisfied with me and after that I felt bad about myself. He said sex is great with me but me not imitating is what makes him feel not satisfied with it. He said he wants more exciting and that since he always imitates it’s like routine and what’s me to, to make things different. This has taken a huge hole in my self esteem as a woman and I’m feslkng like i will never satisfy him. This week he bought a toy and then wanted to know if it would be okay if he went to an exotic convention where they have seminars, classes, and porn stars. All of that makes me feel like he’s bored of me. And I’m just feeling low. So I guess I want advice on how to get through it. Thanks in advance.
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female
reader, vanedoodles +, writes (31 October 2018):
vanedoodles is verified as being by the original poster of the questionWiseOwlE, I haven’t made him get off of it easy but he has deleted it and told me he wouldn’t. If he happens to do it again then I’m not going to end it. I don’t want to disrespected and feel hurt by this. But for now, I can only trust that he knows how I felt and won’t do it again.
A
female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (31 October 2018):
 Having you initiate 3 times a month is not a problem, only if you can give him the condition that he does not look for outside sources for excitement. There must be reasons that the other two relationships didn't work out, because they were too much sex oriented. The addiction to excitement does not end, until he decides to focus on things that are more important in a relationship, which is connection and mutual happiness. He is just not getting it. He thought, if a partner cannot give him what he wants, he can just get it outside and you would be fine with it as long as it is not cheating. Tell him not to go to the convention. It's not that you have to prove to him that you are sexually exciting. It's him who has to prove to you that he is worthy of your love. One who goes into a relationship for the purpose of sex would not last very long in it.
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reader, anonymous, writes (31 October 2018): Don't excuse the fact he followed strippers online. That's where you'll get played.
Guys follow strippers and watch porn for the sake of entertainment and for the purpose of masturbation. Don't swallow that lame excuse, because you wouldn't initiate sex. I will bet you a sack of gold that even after you initiate sex; he'll still watch porn and follow strippers. Only, he'll be more careful and cover his tracks; so you won't snoop and catch him like last time!
Just as usual, we get a follow-up to tell us; oh, it's not what you all think. He's a good boyfriend. If you find yourself feeling disrespected and hurt, maybe not.
So now the burden of change is on your shoulders. He gets a pass for checking-out online strippers.
Best of luck!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (31 October 2018): I posted the first response on here to you. I initiate sex with my boyfriend all the time, if I left it to him I think we would be lucky to have it once a week. He is shy I get that but even as a female it does make you question if feelings are mutual, am I desirable enough, is he just going along with it because I initiated, that's MY insecurity and that is his.
You have to listen to what he is telling you with an open mind. He wants to be with you, enjoys the sex that you both have BUT he wants to feel you want him and desire him, I am guessing that would have been what he liked more than the actual sex with any ex.
You are who you are and the first few times may be nerve wracking but just think of ways to go out of your comfort zone. I don't mean anything bad, just maybe wearing something a little sexier, to kiss him first and initiate the moves that is foreplay and then sex. Maybe put on a soft porn movie to get in the mood or sexy music. But you need to put aside the 'he has knocked my confidence' he has simply communicated how he feels and if he didn't it would turn sour and you would both gain nothing.
Best of luck
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A
female
reader, vanedoodles +, writes (30 October 2018):
vanedoodles is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHey! I just wanted to give an update, did so before but it never posted I guess. So just to clear things up: my boyfriend did invite me to the convention but I did not want to go. He also doesn’t expect me to act like a porn star or anything. After speaking with him he said all he wants is for me to initiate 2-3 times a month to make him feel wanted and not feel like a dog asking. Now, what bothers me is he said it’s boring for him bexusse I don’t and he felt the need to look at strippers. It just bothers me that he did so because he never did anything like that with his exes. One was a nympho and the other got around. When I brought this point to him and told him that perhaps he wanted to do it as often as they did, he said no and that he didn’t like that about them. But he just wants me to occasionally. He said that before me, he never had to initiate but with me he wanted to and be different.So I guess after all this I just feel like I’m not enough sexually or I won’t be bexusse he didn’t go outside in his other relationships but with me he did. It just makes me feel insecure. And that maybe they were enough and I’m not. Idk, I’ll try to initiate and see how it goes. I spoke to him that I’m not like his previous relationships and he said he understood. Thanks for the advice!
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A
female
reader, janniepeg +, writes (28 October 2018):
I think he went behind your back and secretly looked for strippers on Instagram because instead of talking to you about initiating sex, he just assumed that good girls are passive and therefore are quiet about sex. He only went on the defensive and told you he's not satisfied (which is not true) when you expressed how disrespected you felt. He does not expect you to become aggressive, so he looked for other sources which do not involve in cheating. Deep inside, he is curious as to how it would feel if a girl acted she knows what she wants, is confident, and a bonus too if she has a dominatrix streak in her. All the things he assumed would be unrealistic for a "good girlfriend." It is possible to have great sex and a comfortable relationship. A lot of women do not feel the confidence in themselves until they are in their mid 30's, which is a reason why a lot of men in their 20's are attracted to older women. You can apply heavy make up like a porn actress, but that inner goddess, sex appeal is internal and it takes years and life experience for that to develop in women. It is natural to feel the desire, to feel wanted, that you are irresistible, but your boyfriend is not entitled to it as much as he wants it. You are both young and have a long way to go, and you don't stay the same way because there are many possibilities to how you both transform into mature people. You have to be honest to your boyfriend that you are who you are today, and if he keeps on going to look for outside sources for excitement, it only hurts your feelings and add nothing to the relationship. Make it clear that you are trying to understand what he desires, and you are not just trying to point out what he did wrong, only about how you feel. If you don't feel good about the relationship, there is less hope that you would ever initiate sex.
Exotic conventions are nothing but programs to make money, to give little sex shops a chance to be seen and heard. I've been to one of those. Unless you are learning how to go into the business or you are a geek and just want to collect items, I don't see a need to go nor do I think they offer anything new that you can't find online or in books already.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (28 October 2018):
 I have to agree with WiseOwlE
While I DO think it's VERY important to communicate with your partner, I also think it's VITAL in a relationship to have your OWN personal standards and boundaries.
IT'S no EXCUSE to follow strippers or porn stars because YOU don't initiate sex.. What a load of bollocks!
He could have USED his words and NOT followed strippers online and you two could have gone from there.
You EXPRESSED/COMMUNICATED to him how the whole stripper thing made you feel. He put the blame SQUARELY on you. And THEN he deleted it.
He IS telling you that sex with you is boring. He doesn't want to go to the convention to help spice up YOUR sex life, to work on what's not working, but he wants to go so he can ogle and mingle with porn stars.
If he was into improving the "spicy" level he would suggest you BOTH go... but not he wants to go, he "asked" you for "permission" knowing full well how it would make you feel. Again, he puts the BLAME squarely on you. He wants to go because YOU aren't initiating and exciting enough.
Wanting your sex life to be exciting all the time isn't REALISTIC. Wanting to try new things that you BOTH can enjoy, that IS realistic.
I also would like to point out that initiating sex should be done by both of you. EVERYONE wants to know that their partner find them attractive and well, sexy. It doesn't mean you have to all of a sudden become the sexpot of the decade! There are plenty of little subtle ways of letting your partner know you want them.
What he is expecting of you... might not be something you are comfortable with. Like being the "aggressor" sexually or "acting" like a porn star who is always ready to go and live for the "D"... It's unrealistic. And really, he should KNOW you well enough by now to know your general boundaries when it comes to sex. doesn't mean YOU can't try new things (IF YOU WANT TO) or ask him what HE would like to try. Again, communication.
I think you and your BF needs to work on TALKING and LISTENING to each other, rather then trying and looking for "new shiny things to do sexually".
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reader, anonymous, writes (27 October 2018): Okay, slow your roll girlfriend! You don't go out of your way to please anybody who makes you feel disrespected and insecure. He's following strippers online and into porn.
You just got played! He flipped the subject, because he got busted!
Sex is boring because he wants things to be kinky and freaky like porn. What's next? Are you going to have to get breast implants, wear skimpy outfits, and make yourself up like a hooker?
Spicing-up your love-life can be done without letting porn be your game-plan and instruction guide. Just ask him what kinds of things he likes; and if they are things you feel good doing and will enjoy. Try them.
Don't be weak-minded and simple, and just be led around by the nose; while this guy is just some porn-freak who chases hookers, and can't tell real-life from fiction. You are not a porn actress; and sex doesn't have to be performed in the sleazy ways as directed by some scumbag porn-director out for a fast-buck! Trash-peddlers who objectify women like they're nothing but two-bit disposable blow-up dolls.
Trying to advise women with a weak-mind and low self-esteem is tough; because they listen to no one but their boyfriends. He got your mind off his checking-out strippers online, and made you believe you're the problem.
Wise-up sister! Maybe he can make some suggestions that don't always have to include porn actors and pornography.
If that's not who you are, don't let people encourage you to act out of character; then turns out, he'll be hooked on porn anyway!
Don't be a dead-fish in bed; and just lie there and let things happen to you. You can be on-top! Initiate sex, he doesn't always have to be the one who does it. Be cute and sexy for him; but don't let him lead you to believe you have to be sleazy and cheap to satisfy him. If you don't feel right doing it; then he's the wrong guy for you.
Use your brain. Weak women with small minds get played and dumped by men. Grow-up! You're not a child anymore. You're a woman.
Your self-esteem is not putty in his hands. It belongs to you. It's homegrown, self-maintained, and it can fixed or repaired when necessary. Don't place it the care of others; or they will make you feel stupid, insecure, and inadequate.
Does he have a big one, or is it average? Why is it up to you to be the one to make HIS sex-life better? Does he give you orgasms? It does go two-ways! If he has a tinee-weiner, you have no business feeling insecure!
Insecurity is your fault, if you fall to itty-bitty pieces over what some porn-loving sh*t-for-brains boyfriend says to you. Does his body and package look like the guys in the videos? Why should you?
If you don't want to go to some porn convention; don't go. You don't have to be led around by the nose like a flipping idiot and behave a bimbo to keep a boyfriend. You're in the prime of your life, and you deserve better.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (27 October 2018): Sorry I just answered but didn't realize it was a convention! Yes, go with him! Make it a weekend away. Keep an open mind. Have fun. Really get into it. Show him lots of enthusiasm! Trust me, this is exactly what you need to do right now. Be aggressive and tell him you're going. If he says no, go anyway! Ok? Tell him you'd like to learn new things and want to make him happy and that's why you are going! I'm sure lots of women will go!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (27 October 2018): Tell your boyfriend you would like to go to the seminar with him! Insist on it! That way you can both share the experience together and learn new and fun things about sex that you can apply to your own sexual relationship! What's wrong with that? Don't look at the seminar as a threat but rather an adventure and learning experience. One which will bring you closer. Show him you want to please him. And he will definitely reciprocate!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (27 October 2018): As a couple surely communication is better than nothing? Why be insecure about feedback? Look at ways to make it exciting!!
I've been with my boyfriend 18 months and without him telling me I know that sex can become boring if same routine is followed. So I have looked at ways. New underwear, sexy boots/high heals, more foreplay, sexy music and yes be confident enough to initiate it,it shows him you want him!
His request to go to this convention I understand will knock you, he has told you how he feels and if you have told him it has knocked your confidence then if he loves you he would be working on making it exciting with YOU so is he wanting to go to it for this on making that happen with YOU? I would suggest if it's for the good of your relationship you go as well.
He is either just being honest or you are both on different tracks in sexual compatibility but from what you have wrote there is no harm in you initiating it and looking at ways to make it more exciting, within YOUR boundaries but don't accept what you don't believe to be the truth and have him start walking all over you. If it was honest loving feedback that's one thing but it doesn't mean you have to suddenly go along with anything he says or wants to do!!
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