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female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes: Hello,3 months ago I met a guy. We started seing each other as friends first, then he invited me on dates and he became my boyfriend. I'm usually very "picky" but we were getting along so good, and I was happy that I finally met someone I have so much in common with.We never had fights, but a few weeks ago, I started being a bit disappointed, because we were not seing each other as usual as before. But I though it was just an impression. Then it was the Christmas vacation, and we both went to see our families in different towns. A few days passed, I had no news, so I called him. We talked but not very long, because he doesn't seem to be into long phones conversation... He sent me a little SMS on Xmas day. Then no news again. I called him before New Year's day, and he was still normal, but suddenly announced me that he would be away for one more week.I started having doubts, so I decided not to call anymore to "test" him and see how long it would take him to call me...And until today...he never did.So, I'm started considerating that it's over ?I've been thinking a lot about this, and can't really find a reason. Because when we are together he is so nice. But now I realize that he never really expressed any feelings for me...So maybe I was mistaken about our story. I though it was serious and he didn't ? I'm not really sure of my feelings about him anymore, because I expect more from a man. And if he wants to break up, why doesn't he tell it ? I'm not really sad, but just very disappointed and lost. I'm wondering about if I should tell him it's over...Because I'm afraid I won't meet someone like him before a long time... And also I'm afraid because we have the same circle of friends, so we will certainly see each other again. And the worse, I'm afraid that he might finally call me, and I won't have the courage to tell anything, and will just do as if nothing had happened...Sorry to have been so long...Kate
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male
reader, idoneitagain  +, writes (13 January 2007):
You need to be clear about what you are unhappy about. It doesn't sound like there is anything wrong with your relationship. You are unhappy with the fact that once he was away, he didn't call you, and that has made you feel terribly insecure. You also say you expect more from a man. It has disappointed you. He has become more distant before you went away, so it has left you feeling unsure of your relationship with him, and he has not been reassuring to you while you have been apart.
This all comes down to communication. And your expectation of what a man should do. Your expectations for him to call you while you are apart are not unreasonable, but the trick to a good relationship, is when you have an expectation that he is not meeting, TELL HIM. It is interesting that you have a problem with his lack of communication, but you have not told him how you feel, isn't it?
Learning to communicate is important in a relationship and everyone does it differently, and it takes time to learn. Also, as a guy, I can say that in some respect guys aren't too bright, and maintaining good enough contact with your girlfriend is a lesson my girlfriend took a while to teach me. I came round eventually.
I also want to add that your guy has shown signs of becoming more distant. This might just be because you were going to be apart, but it might be more, and he still hasn't phoned you. So the possibility exists that he is losing interest in the relationship. Again, communication is the key, don't jump to conclusions. I can't tell you what he is thinking, but until you have spoken with him and found out, neither can you. And that is your problem, and the source of insecurity. For now, keep the faith, and if you like him, focus on that. If he gets back and everything is fine, tell him that his distance and lack of communicating left you feeling very insecure, and because of that he is a dickhead. Then forgive him and move forward. If the distance is there because he is moving away from you, morn and move on.
Good luck.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (13 January 2007): Kate,So it has now been just over a week since you last spoke to him? Do you know if he is back yet?If you want to, you COULD try calling and inviting him to go on a date with you. Lunch or dinner. See what he says. I'd recommend that approach rather than telling him its over - unless of course you WANT to end it, that is.He will either be delighted to be asked out; or a bit hesistant - either because its a surprise, or because he is busy. So, maybe invite him for dinner "one day this week" - the idea here is that if you say "Tuesday" and that's a day he cannot make, there is possibility for another day that suits you both.Of course, if he is evasive about the whole idea, or flat-out says no (but that is probably not so likely: men don't always want to risk a "scene" by telling a woman its over) then you will know.In any event, if you feel you can do this, you'll have a much better idea where things stand, depending on how he responds, and maybe it will open the conversation to talk about your friendship, without directly bringing up "the relationship" talk.......Good luck!
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