A
male
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Me and my girlfriend have got on great until a few days ago, she hasn't long gone on holiday abroad to Madeira for new years with a friend and her friend's family. In the middle of the week we had a huge argument and she claimed I'd been off with her for the last couple of weeks and I was making out like it was her fault and that she had changed, I didn't argue back at all as she was right and I've been a total jerk with her lately and I admitted it, she then said we weren't working and that she wanted to split up we've both agreed to stay together and work it out and then everything went fine until we spoke tonight on the phone and she brought it back up because it was bothering her. She claims she can't trust me because of how I made her feel but we finally agreed that we'd wait until Monday which is when she gets back and see how we get on. I'm afraid that she only said this as a way out maybe because she can't face coming to my house to pick her stuff up, this issue come up both times and I offered to drop it all off at her parents before she come back but she wouldn't have it, she said she wants to see me before she gets her stuff. This issue came up in both arguments and her mind was set at breaking up but whenever I offer to drop it off she refuses and says she just wants to come and see me then she said she couldn't end it between me and her if she seen me but that's what she wants.I have considered the idea that she may have met someone there and is looking for a fight for a break to do something with them but considering her past with men I can say I really don't think she would ever consider it, this whole thing is killing me because I love her so much which she knows, I think in order to help her get over this argument I need to gain her trust again. Hopefully someone here has had similar problems who has resolved them and could pass on some advice. All advice is welcome!!Thanks.
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male
reader, PeterPan  +, writes (4 January 2009):
 I've read this twice, but I'm assuming there's a lot missing here. I don't see where the trust issue was violated... I'm guessing that's in the details of your discussions together... no matter ...and I'm not so sure that it's completely a trust issue anyway (just trying to read between the lines a little bit here).
First, let me tell you what NOT to do when she gets back. Do NOT try to sweet-talk your way out of this at all. Something's wrong (and that's either real or perceived) in her head. Trying to sweet-talk your way out of this is only going to make the hole you're already standing in about a meter deeper! Instead, you need to really get out of her what it is that (might) really be bothering her... how? Listen more than talk... that doesn't mean be silent... it means listening not only to what words come out of her mouth but their implied "between the lines" meaning as well. For instance, you mentioned that you'd been a real jerk to her lately... is that because something was bothering you in the relationship or with something else important to you outside the relationship? ...that said, did you think that maybe she was hurt you didn't approach her for help?... or perhaps should have? ...that's just an example, but it shows that there's a possible "something else" going on beyond what you've been told -- be mindful of that!
I suppose the last thing you might want to do is definitely find someplace comfortable and (more or less) private to hash this out. Someplace you both might feel is just a nice hangout... non-threatening... and in a way I'm saying "not your place"... I'm thinking neutral ground here, but not in the middle of someplace that offers a lot of distractions...
Well, that's what comes to mind... I hope some of that helps. Oh, last bit: don't assume that she knows how you feel about her... you may love her, but don't assume it's clear in her head. She may too, but whatever is on her mind might be clouding that fact a little bit.
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