A
female
age
26-29,
anonymous
writes:I really need some advice with a certain situation that my friend (we'll call her molly) got herself in to. We've been friends for about 5 years and we used to relate to each other so well. We were so close until about 4 months ago. That's when she met a guy (we'll call Garry). Molly is quite young and Garry is a lot older, what's more, Garry has a wife. When molly first told me about Garry i was sceptical, he is older and she has very bad taste in men so I could only assume he was going to be bad person. She informed me there was no feelings between them so I just went along with it, but I knew there was more too this. After a month or so she comes clean and tells me that they've been taking a lot more and feelings have surfaced and they're in a awkward crush situation. I was supportive, at this point I didn't know he had a wife but then she started asking me questions like "if a married man has an affair with someone he truly loves that's OK right?". So I asked her if he was married and she said yes, she also told me they got very intimate the night before and red lights started flashing in my head. Usually I let her make her own mistakes and be there when she needs me but what she was doing was pulling against my moral compass. She knew he was married but she got with him anyway. I told her to leave him, I told her to run away as fast as she could before it got any worse. She didn't listen. She claimed that he loved her and they'd be together forever. So a few weeks pass and they get a little careless and the wife starts getting suspicious. So Garry tells molly that he can't talk to her all the time anymore and that's when things start getting messy. She starts becoming depressed, she stops eating and all she does is talk about him, literally every time we talk she either sending me screenshots, complaining or talking about how amazing he is and all the while I'm sitting there grinding my teeth trying to remain supportive whilst my moral compass is going mental. Then things get really bad after the wife threatens a divorce, Garry didn't talk much after that and molly got so stressed, she kept saying things like she didn't want to lose him, she can't live without him etc. She stopped eating, she lost a lot of weight, she started to self harm a lot, all over him. Molly had a history of mental illness. This is when i snap, I started fighting against it, I know I shouldn't interfere but I couldn't help it, I was angry at both Garry and Molly. I kept telling her to leave him, that I was right all along and she should have listened, all the while she's defending him like he's the last source of light on the planet, claiming that he's a good person, I don't know him, that I can say whatever I want to her just dont say anything bad too him. This is the point were I start to hate talking to her. I started cancelling plans purely because I can't sit through hours of her talking about him. Eventually the divorce was cancelled but Garry is living up to my expectations. Whatever I say will not do justice to what he does to her. He plays her like an upright bass. One minute he's telling her he loves her then the next he's saying he wants nothing to do with her. And she won't leave because they promised eachother they'll be together forever. She's depressed all the time and she preaches nothing ever goes right for her but she won't just remove herself from the situation and I honestly can't even. I hate everything she's doing, she's in love with a player and I apparently know nothing about them. I have considered just not talking to her anymore, I have considered telling her I can't be friends with people like her, I've considered a lot of things but I can't do any of them because I don't want to lose my friend. She says her only reason for living is him and she's self harming a lot. i honestly have no idea what to do about it. I can't deal with this anymore, if I have to listen to one more complaint I'll snap completely. Please tell me what I should do.
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female
reader, BlueWolf +, writes (15 June 2016):
Sorry I've not been able to reply sooner, I've been away.When I say self harm I mean cutting and stubbing cigarettes out on her own skin. Its I horrible image I know. I have told her parents and she's sees a psychiatrist regularly and they know about the self harm but the doctors don't consider her a huge threat to herself, not enough to be institutionalized anyway. That's the NHS for you i suppose. She's also a chain smoker and borderline alcoholic and she's getting counselling for that. It really upsets me that she's dropped so low, and this only happened when she started seeing him. With her being autistic and all she needs control and doing that is the only way she has control. That's how she put it anyway. I know autistic people deal with things differently to "normal" people but she's taking it a little extreme. Thanks for all the support by the way, I appreciate the advice.
A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (3 June 2016):
 What do you mean "self harming a lot"? If she is actually causing harm to herself, then you need to contact the authorities and have her institutionalized. Don't play this down as if harming one self is something normal. What do you mean, exactly? Does she slice her arms open, does she try to drown herself, is she eating loads of sleeping pills, has she had suicide attempts, what exactly do you mean?
If she is a danger to herself, the correct response, both morally and otherwise, is not to distance yourself from her, but call her family and/or the police and inform them of her harming herself and make sure she's safe.
PS. Her actions reflect on her, and not you. So you saying her actions goes against YOUR moral compass is far out. Her actions aren't your actions, thus your moral compass isn't disturbed. It's HER moral compass that is disturbed, in any case, not yours. You talking to her and being her friend does not in any way mean you are agreeing to her actions or supporting them. In this case, it appears to be that you don't want to be her friend because you find her a bother to deal with, and you are tired of listening to her only talking about her married lover.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (31 May 2016): Its a messy situation and the best you can do is to concentrate on moving your own life forward.
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A
female
reader, YouWish  +, writes (31 May 2016):
 I know exactly how you feel. I *HATE* cheating, and I'm working very hard not to hate cheaters and their accomplices themselves, but as they say, being judgmental in this area is a weakness I spend my life trying to overcome and be a better person in spite of it.
I have a good friend who stepped into the rat trap of cheating with a married man, and I said everything I always say about cheating both on here and in person, but there comes a time when she didn't want to hear anything but support and "non-judgmental caring", which does a person like her and your friend no good. I told my friend after a bit that I love her, and that I'll always care for her, but I have to step back for a bit, because all I can think of is his wife that he and she are both hurting by their behavior, and that I can't be there to hold her hand while she justifies their affair. I told her I'll be there for her when she finally comes to her senses.
Of course, that happened only after she used me as an alibi to give him a lie for his wife about where she was, and I wouldn't lie for her or him.
Your friend is too far gone to put herself in his wife's shoes and really realize what sort of treatment he gives to those he's made vows of love to. All you can do is walk away. The excuse of the "Other woman" or "other man" is always that THEY'RE not the cheater, and while this is technically true, not only are they an accomplice to the marital crime, but they commit the social crime of disrespecting the institute of marriage itself. How could you trust someone who sleeps with married men not to tell a wayward husband who makes a pass at them "Go home to your wife" or "I do not date married men"?
You've done all you can. Time to step away from your friend's life and reclaim the sanity in your own life. She'll wake up eventually sooner rather than later based on his treatment of her. But you need to do it for your sanity. If she keeps calling you, tell her you have to step back in order to save your friendship in the long run.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (31 May 2016):
 I agree with Ivy,
I could NOT sustain a friendship with someone so self-centered. And that is what she is. She doesn't care if she is harming others, or herself. She just want what she wants and not give a darned.
IF you feel like just NEVER talking to her again, because every time you TRY and help or open your mouth you are wasting your breath, I don't blame you. She has invited a heap of negativity into YOUR life as well as her own. And that isn't a good thing.
But if dropping the friendship seems to harsh for you then "downgrade it" make her an acquaintance you talk to here and there and no more. Focus on people who bring POSITIVE things to your life instead. And BE honest with her and say, hey I have tried to help you with this married man mess and obviously you and I see different on that issue, so I'm NOT going to go there any more. I don't want to hear about it either, because it makes me sad for you, his wife and even myself. I will NOT enable you further.
I DO think part of why this has turned from just stupid to crazy-town is because of her mental issues. When she says she takes her meds... I think she might not have for a while. Now I'm not say that is an excuse or that people with mental issues do stupid stuff - but for your friend to spin SO out of control in the short span of 4 months... that just looks like someone off their meds to me.
Set boundaries with her (like make the subject of "her" married man off limits). And time limits. If talking to her for more then 30 minutes (example) gets you frustrated, sad, mad etc.. make conversations short. Same with spending time. If after a couple of hour you are crawling the walls with frustration, keep it to a 30-45 min lunch in public, (less chance for drama).
Don't forget, sometimes we outgrow friends. It happens. Sometimes they take a path we just can follow or make choices we just can't support.
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A
female
reader, Ivyblue  +, writes (31 May 2016):
 Sounds like a drama queen and rather tiresome. Totally get why your pissed. You have done all that you can at this point. Lets face it, she has to be pulling into the carpark of Heart break Hotel before her light bulb goes on. This self harm, Oh woe is me is equally manipulative and down right pathetic as he. So what do you do, my advice would be to do as you said,step back and let her know that you are not willing or able to be supportive of her choice to indulge in behaviour that goes against your moral beliefs. Just as she is not willing to listen to your words of wisdom. No need to feel guilty for protecting yourself from the self indulgent choices of others.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (31 May 2016): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI forgot to mention that I asked her to get help but she refused so I told her mum even though I promised not too. Her mum forced her to get help but she just won't accept it, anything negative said about them just goes in one ear and straight out the other. She says the only reason she's taking her meds is because he wants her too. She wants people to just rub her the right way and tell her they're good together. There's not really anything I can do but its like watching a vase fall from across the room, there's no way you'll get there in time so you're watching it fall and smash in slow motion. I can't act like its not affecting me either, I don't trust a lot of people sdsdo the only person I can talk to about this is my boyfriend and he's sick of me talking about it. I went through a similar situation with my boyfriend last year, one of his old friends got back in contact telling him to leave me and go out with her instead and that she loved him and he kinda liked her too. I nipped that on the bud before it even began and I keep bringing that up with her and what she told me to do then but she keeps saying its not the same. That's only because in that situation the wife is me and she's the girl who tried to steal my bf away and she hates to admit that.
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