A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:There is a woman who lives very near to where I do and goes to the same college as me who I do not trust and don't want to be friends with but she has what I think is a 'strategy' of being absolutely charming to everyone, usually with her own goals in mind, and I am finding it impossible to escape her because I keep bumping into her.She and I have been in the same reading group before at college and I've noticed how jealous she seems of me. Also, I've noticed she has a habit of picking up and copying the mannerisms and approaches of people who are in positions of authority or who she thinks are successful - tutors and students whose careers are flourishing. I find this very unnerving because I spent nearly two decades in a relationship with a total narcissist who had precisely this same trait - like he soaked up other peoples' characters to the extent he almost seemed to become that person. I have an excellent reputation, intellectually, at college - I never really understand how this happens that people think I'm some sort of genius - I really do struggle with the reading and so on, but I have always been able to think very originally and even when I'm not so well read I can come up with intelligent and unusual perspectives. I am truly passionate about my subject and have worked incredibly hard to be int he position I am, and I guess people just think I'm far cleverer than I think I am! The woman is jealous of me, I am sure and other people have said so - that she tries to hide it, but she is highly competitive and jealous of me because our tutor has a soft spot for me and she wants to be 'top dog' as far as he's concerned. Also, she is extremely well read, but her thinking is far from original and I think she just can't figure out what it is that, to her mind, I 'have' and she doesn't, and she wants it. Her way of 'competing' is to use flattery to get what she wants and I really find it very false and have done right from the start. She has moved to this country from her home country and once said she just couldn't form any friends at the college there - and I feel like she came here solely with a very ambitious strategy to form friendships and exploit them.I have really strong intuitions about things like this, often way before other people. After a year of so, more and more people kept saying they found her manipulative and not what she seemed. Now many people simply avoid her because they don't trust her and she has had at least a couple of major arguments with colleagues who won't speak to her again because they don't trust her or the 'best' friends she associates with. Meanwhile, she has targetted successful people to associate with, built her CV and got a lecturing job. This would all be fine and fair play, but I sense I am and always have been on her 'target list' to become a contact/friend and I really don't want to be. I've nothing against her if I can be allowed to just keep my distance, but she is, in her own way, pushy through flattery and effectively won't take no for an answer I don't like it - what can you do if, each time you walk down the steet and see this persons that you are definitely not close to, they immediately hold out their arms to hug you? I tried just not reciprocating this body language for as long as I could - I found it entirely inappropriate, but she is just so determined.She has had no interest whatsoever in my specialist area for the five years we've been at college. I am a year above her, so finishing really soon and not attending many classes in my final year. After all my hard work I was set to start writing about important issues in my field and focus on my career - I've had tons and tons of things hindering this, none of which were my doing but that I had no choice but to struggle through and I'm finally now in a stable position to 'make a name' doing what I love. But, friends told me, and it's also been clear to me from other stuff she's written and conferences she's attended, that almost as soon as I 'left' she started 'territorialising' this area, making sure to make key contacts within the college and outside of it and to start writing papers in this field, even writing about specific issues and people that I'd written about first. The thing is, she is so charming to everyone that it takes them ages to figure out she's a manipulator, so none of my contacts and associates have spotted this yet and I don't want to say anything because I honestly don't want to cause trouble, I just don't want anything to do with her and don't trust her. It's just odd - and many people are highly suspicious and believe she moved into this field purely because she knew it was my area of interest and because she is jealous of me she decided that this was the best area to move into - I've been studying it for years and years it makes sense that, due to the life I've had, I naturally incline to this area - all my background and so on feed into the way that I research it. On her part, I've noticed she has a history of 'jumping on' whatever issues seem leading and current at that time, usually by getting to know the people leading them - and my area has gone from being despised ten years ago to now being "hot". It's like the problem is she can't really think for herself, of her own ideas - she is great at absorbing and articulating and writing about OTHER people's ideas, but she never ever comes up with anything original of her own.Again, I could deal with this, but she keeps trying to befriend me and it's becoming almost impossible to keep declining her offers to go for a drink and so on.In the past, she's done things that others have said are downright selfish and rude. When I was trying harder to trust her, years ago, I invited her and another colleague to dinner, spending a LOT of money and a lot of time and effort to make a really nice meal. She has a really good funding body supporting her in her home country and is not your average impoverished student, whereas I have struggled. I have done this before for other friends and I never really expect anything back BUT, I do appreciate it when, for example, if we are in the pub in the weeks following, someone who'se had dinner at mine says "let me get you a drink because you made that fantastic dinner." I ended up in the pub with her after college, shortly after the dinner - it was just me and her - and I did find it slightly rude that she just bought separate drinks. In her position I would have at least offered to buy me a drink to say thanks.Another strange thing she did shortly after this dinner was that she helped to organise a party for a colleague's moving house event - she was moving into the colleague's flat and they were moving out but leaving behind their good flat mate, who was actually suspicious of this newcomer and didn't really want to live with her but had nowhere else to go. The person moving out didn't like her and has now completely fallen out with her. Anyway, the idea was that she and this other flat mate would organise a leaving "do" for the flatmate who was moving out and at that stage I think, and because she's so pushy in her own way, that no one could refuse. Almost everyone on our course was invited except me and I was totally flummoxed by that one.Now, I reasoned with myself about this for a long time, thinking, maybe she just forgot. And then I just thought, if she did just forget then she had a responsibility NOT to. Friends have said she is just so selfish that she can only think in terms of one, even when she is trying to give the impression she is thinking of others, so her "forgetting" is just that she's self-centred - she didn't single me out for exclusion maybe, but she can't do team work. She's done other strange things too - to me and to others, that indicate she's no real empathy underneath the charm. For example, I was being really badly sexually harassed at work and I mentioned this to her - this was several years ago - and she said "Oh, I feel sorry for him". I found it VERY strange that she would sympathise with a man she's never met and incline to believe he was innocent rather than believe that what I was saying was the truth; it came up as an issue because we'd been talking about harassment generally. I feel she without doubt wants to learn more from me in regard to my specialist area, and learn more about my approaches and the university I teach at. I have really tried to reason with myself on this one but I just cannot convince myself it's all fair play and innocent. I don't want to be exploited and I don't want to upset her, I just want to keep my distance, but I don't know what to do.I do realise I have difficulty trusting people - but I have honestly been exploited in the past and it's very often been when I've either trusted the person OR I've convinced myself to "override" any bad feelings I get from them initially. My friends have seen how distraught I get because I'm not strategic or manipulative - I just can't do that stuff - I get so very confused by it, to the extent that it can cause me to isolate rather than try to deal with it.What should I do? I felt I had no choice but to agree to meet with her for a drink because I bumped into her again and, even if I make an excuse like I have done before, I don't think she is going to move home anytime soon PLUS she will be increasingly infiltrating all the circles I am part of because she's obviously decided that this is the area she wants to become known for working in.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (11 August 2015): Hello everyone, thanks again for the responses. Honeypie, I really appreciate you getting back to me again.
WiseOwlE, the not being invited to the event issue happened very early on, right at the start and when I was really doing my best not to fall into the trap of being judgemental. Then other things happened - to me and to friends - that raised peoples' suspicions and this seems to have just gotten worse and worse, with fall-outs and so on that I'm not involved in but that friends relate back. I am definitely NOT rigid and unapproachable and that's part of the problem - I need to be more so, so that I don't attract people like this!
I actually distanced myself from the college as much as I could because I couldn't cope with the gossiping and the strategising - it just distressed me far too much; friends tell me this stuff only to warn me to be careful because they know I've had to distance myself and I'm no longer fully 'in the loop' with the day to day stuff of college. I have had counselling in the past because I have been very exploited by people and it's usually because I've not "listened" to my gut instinct, I've been far, far too giving and very self-denying and have had no guidance at all in regard to how to navigate stuff like this; the panic I feel begins when I sense I'm going to be used but I don't know what to do and can't get away. It's like a 12 year old kid, stuck in an adult body. I'm not jealous of the woman - why would I be? To my mind she's very false and has nothing I want..I just feel like I want her to leave me alone.
I feel threatened and I wrote in knowing that this is my weakness, not just with her but generally. It's a bit like what they say about people with Asperger's not being able to see this kind of behaviour; at one stage my ex partner and I wondered if I had it, because I'd just come home and cry about the gossiping etc. - I found it so confusing and overwhelming. I was refused even a test for it though as the initial questionnaires indicated I don't have it. Until I went to this college, my approach to everyone was friendly, giving and very caring. It's been completely taken advantage of because I'm way out of my depth in regard to the strategic manouevring that goes on.
But yes, possibly I could go back to counselling for this issue. Or write a real thesis about it - although I'm sure people better positioned than me have already done so.
Thanks everyone else who wrote in, I do appreciate it.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (11 August 2015): When I don't want time or trouble, with certain people; the simple response is "no thank you." I see an awful lot of gossip and discussion about this women between you and other people. You've got the low-down skinny on her ever move. In my own distinguished professional career, I've learned diplomacy and gained some street-smarts. I've learned from some of the best, and the worst.
I'm in the business world. What she does is called "networking" and connecting with colleagues. If she benefits from sharing experiences, talents, and strong-points; that's what people usually attend lectures and seminars for. To absorb the knowledge of the successful; and to find their own path, and create their own brand.
Maybe you see it all differently; but more than anything, you are very threatened by this women.
I found it very contradictory to be insulted she didn't invite you to an event; after writing a thesis on how much you neither trust nor like her. You were insulted? Why? You don't want anything to do with her.
I'm so sorry. I simply sense more jealousy coming from you toward her; than her toward you. I wouldn't rule out embellishment on your part; and a tiny bit of defamation to cast a sordid-light on her character. If she was so bad, why hasn't she been totally cast from the circle of people who find her such a monster? I think ambition frightens a lot of people, and perhaps she also sees a bit of xenophobia in you and many others among your peer group. I sense she will fair really well; although her tactics may be more obvious than she may realize. Perhaps she is purposely blatant about her intentions. You're in a competitive field. She's likely to be among the few to survive it and reach success.
She knows the politics and in's and out's; and she knows who to mimic. The winners, not the losers.
I would be flattered, if someone wants me to help them to improve their writing style; I wouldn't feel suspicious unless they were overly-critical. Flattery may be a desperate attempt to make friends; and to lower tensions and suspicion. Maybe to get your guard down. I've endured my share of resentment, prejudice, and jealousy coming at me. I've learned to dodge it and/or absorb it; because that's what survival takes. I've learned a lot from people I've misunderstood, or thought to be enemies. I just needed to know more about them, and what their true motives are. Sometimes they needed a challenge, and found it in me.
I always play my cards close to the vest, and allow people to lower their guard and shields. That way, I can get a fair assessment of whom, and what kind of situation, I'm dealing with. Sometimes I may misjudge people; because of their unusual ways or unorthodox approach to things. There may an "aha-moment" long down the road; but I don't exhaust a lot of energy sharing my negative-opinions about fellow-colleagues. You never know who they're friends with, and how it might come back to bite me in the ass.
In intellectual circles, there is a lot of debauchery; but there is the usual professional-jealousy, snobbery, paranoia, and fear of the competition. You would do best to be cordial, poised, and distant. Keep your eyes and ears open. Mouth shut!
I suspect you are rigid and unapproachable, and she ignores it to put you on the spot. You don't scare her. You never know who may end-up making a decision down the road, that your career depends on. It's always better to make friends than enemies, on the climb up. Even if only to keep them at a safe-professional distance and to hold them at bay.
Now to address the petty issues. Buy your own drinks. So what if she doesn't buy you a drink? She wants to pick your brain. Pick hers, you might learn something.
You want her to back-off? Grow the nuggets to tell her, and stop gossiping behind her back.
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A
male
reader, IanHenryCooper +, writes (10 August 2015):
 Is she stealing your work; i.e. plagiarising?
There are ways of dealing with this and most college professors now have software programmes to detect it, so it may be worth speaking to them.
If not as blatant as that, can you not include a deliberate error or two into your texts, so that she will incorporate the "errors" into her work, which you can correct after she has submitted her work.
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A
female
reader, Intrigued3000  +, writes (10 August 2015):
 I know what it's like dealing with a narcissist. This personality type is the stuff of nightmares.
I think you need to set boundaries and distance with this woman and tell her No, if she asks to meet you for a drink. I do this all the time with people I don't like. Smile graciously. Tell her thank you, but no thank you, I have other plans. Keep telling her no and eventually she'll get the idea that you don't want to spend any time with her. If she confronts you about your unfriendliness towards her, just tell her that your life is very busy and you don't even have time for yourself. If she is infiltrating your circles, it is best not to burn bridges with her, because of how it can affect your network. Just be cordial to her and standoffish. Keep your boundaries. I do this in the workplace all the time. I think everyone does.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (10 August 2015):
 Maybe she senses your panic too?
She seems like a person who reads people well, most manipulators do, they just forget that not everyone LIKES to discover they are being manipulated ( like the people who will have nothing to do wit her).
And confronting a narcissist will get you nowhere. So maybe adopt the "kill her with kindness" approach. Were you are not snubbing her but also NOT getting any closer to her. If she talks to YOU first, be polite, brief and make an excuse as to why you need to be somewhere else.
No matter WHAT kind of a person she is, YOU need to find a way to NOT let her affect you and your work. I doubt your area of expertise is THAT small (once you finish school) that you will HAVE to deal with her.
Also maybe you need to talk to a counselor? If you are SO freaked out by ONE person in you circle of co-workers, fellow researchers etc. You are NOT going to like everyone or how they work their way through the system.
Do you HAVE to work with her? For any reason? Or rely on her?
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (10 August 2015): Thanks, Honeypie, for the response. Just for the record, I'm honestly NOT obsessed with the woman - I just forget about her but then keep bumping into her and yes, I do feel very threatened when I feel people are manipulating me and I start to panic when they just won't leave me alone because I'm crap at dealing with it and admit that - I've been harassed and manipulated over the longer term before now and I do get panicky. My long text just reflects my attempts to try to rationalise the situation and to find a way to deal with it, rather than showing an obsession with her in particular. It's extremely hard to just have "nothing to do with" someone who is literally very close in terms of where they live and the professional circles they operate in - ignoring someone means risking your own reputation/suggests you're not cooperative as a person - hence my frustration; I'm really not good at this kind of thing at all, that's the other reason I'm in a bit of a panic about it and wrote a long post.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (10 August 2015): It seems you spend a lot of time keeping track of this woman and who she befriends. Why is it so hard to say, I really don't like you.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (10 August 2015):
This is a WHOLE long obsessive post about a woman you DO NOT like you and feel threatened by..
DO like so many others have done and have nothing to do with her.
You are not her shrink and there is NO point in trying to figure out why and what she is doing. YOU CAN NOT control her or anyone else - only yourself.
So you got competition? So what? DO the best YOU can, get by and get forward by YOUR merits and skills and SCREW this woman and whatever tactics she uses.
You honestly sound.... absolutely FIXATED on her. And not in a good way.
WHY are you wasting YOUR time and energy trying to figure her out? It's pointless. Maybe SHE is a narcissist... WHAT can you do about that? NOTHING.
And yes, you CAN avoid going out to drinks or spending time with her. Politely decline and walk away. Avoid spending time with or around her as much as you can. YOU are on your last year, make it ABOUT you, your future - NOT her.
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