A
male
age
41-50,
*chi1681
writes:A little about myself first, I am a 34 year old male who has crohn’s disease, epilepsy, depression and anxiety and I did have anger management problems but that has been knocked on the head. I see a counselor for my depression and anxiety and i thought that it was under control. I met my girlfriend a couple of months a go and I feel in love with her instantly she is 37, with 3 children and a granddaughter and is going through a divorce at the moment, she is the most amazing, the kindest, happiest the most beautiful person inside and out I have ever met.We were really happy, she is bisexual and very open with her sexuality, she wants to include me in that and also she wants me to watch me with another woman. she likes bondage and likes dominated, aggressive sex, most of the time the sex we have is really loving and gentle, but the other week we had sex and it got a bit rough with hair pulling, hand around my neck and hers biting and hurting each other, I then grabbed her hands and held her down then I got a bit to rough or aggressive.It was if I became another person who I didn't like and it scared her I tried to reassure her that I didn't mean to be as rough and I thought that we had sorted that out, then the next day i got a text from a female friend and I hid it from her when she saw it maybe it was in case she thought I was cheating on her.I don’t know why I did it and I we then had a row about something and I don’t know what we then argued about, I was going to run away but I tried to sort it out and I told her a lie about who had text me which I should have never done, then last week things still weren’t right between us and she said that she needed space and I took that to mean that we were over and it frightened me and I asked her if she wanted me to go.I realised on my way home that I need help about my anxiety and insecurities so I got in contact with my counselor and then my girlfriend and I we seemed too sort things which was good.I met her on friday and gave her a little gift from myself then on saturday i made her dinner and on sunday I made her breakfast in bed and I thought we were getting somewhere, but then her work colleague contacted her about a works night out as someone was leaving (he was also her friend with benefits or Fbuddy), then when I went home I was ok and everything was fine.Then I texted her and told her to go out to her works night out and enjoy herself have some fun and forget about her problems and try and if she wanted to she can chat to other guys and if she liked them she could have fun with them, I don't know why I said that to her. That then put doubts in her head. We had a massive talk and sent texts back and fourth to each other and I couldn’t explain why I said that to her but I told her that I am feeling insecure and that I am comparing this relationship to my last were it broke up and I’m expecting this to do the same, I can’t understand why she wants to be with me because I am not a prize catch, then we got back to talking about the other problems we had about trust and I then lied to her again about the text message that I got from my friend, I said it was from my ex who had messaged the wrong person and that I had asked about my children and got no response.She then knew that it was my friend who texted me but I didn't want her to think that there was anything more than just a text between two friends. I am just scared that I will lose her, i feel as though i am pushing her away at the moment with my actions and I don”t want to do that, I want to change and I don’t know how or what to do to stop myself from losing her.She is my best friend and I don’t ever want to lie to her again I just want to put this behind us and try to get our relationship back to being happy and I want to make her smile again when she is with me, I don’t want to lose her because I know that will really get me depressed because I feel as though I was meant to be with her and I just love her.I want to stop comparing this to past relationships and I want to stop looking for problems were there aren’t any, I don’t want my relationship to end and I know if I don’t change I will be the reason why we break up, she has given me a chance to sort myself out.She has said that we can start again but she doesn't know if it is the right decision because she has said that she has gone through her life trying to please others and she left her husband of 20 years because she was unhappy, I want to be with her and I don’t want to hurt her, but I don’t know how to remove the doubt I have put in her head, to have trust in me again and to just make her happy.Am I a bad person and what do I do?
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best friend, broke up, depressed, divorce, friend with benefits, insecure, my ex, text Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, Dear Mandy +, writes (9 May 2013):
 HI
With all your illneses it's no wonder you depressed. I feel though that whilst your in this state of mind and body a relationship is this manner is an NO GO!....you need to get back into health mind and body before you can seriously take on that kind of relationship. Also I fear that being with a Bi sexual woman and adding a third party could ruin your sex life. As being with one woman after that kind of relationship will never be enough. Maybe people need to stop reading 50 shades of grey and come back into the real world where sex is between two people and not agressive but passionate. Between two people not three or four, and im sorry (so very confused) but if someone shouted out umbrella as a code word I would p**s myself laughing lol jokes aside though OP steer clear from that kind of sexual activity for now and work on being passionate towards eachother. And also make her aware of your illnesses what triggers them and how best to cope with them.
I wish you the best of luck and better health.
Mandy x
A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused  +, writes (9 May 2013):
 trust once broken is hard to fix
you carry much baggage with you and it is rearing it's ugly head.
if you really want to make this work you need to do a bunch of things
1. NEVER lie to her again. Sit down now and explain all of this to her. show her this post if you can't figure out any other way to let her know.
2. NEVER tell her to do something you don't want her to do. You have every right to tell your committed girlfriend that you are jealous of her going out with someone if you are. My husband would never say "go pick up guys with the girls tonight" because that's NOT what he wants for me.
3. GET into ongoing therapy with someone to work on your depression and anxiety. I think that in addition to cognitive therapy, some psychotropic intervention can help.
4. IF you are going to play rough GET A CODE WORD and use it when things get out of control. Umbrella is popular as is blueberries or telephone... something that normally does not get said during sexual activity. PRACTICE using it.
Start from scratch with her if she is willing.
and figure out how to TALK to each other about this. IF you can't talk to her about it, that's a problem and maybe a counselor can help you two figure out how to communicate.
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