A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Hi my name is Katie and well I like this guy who is 5 years older than I am. I think that he likes me too but he seems to act differently when he is around his family than when he is alone. See, I think that the reason I am even attracted to him (besides the fact that he has a great personality and he is really handsome) is I have a bone age that is 3-5 years older than my chronological age. I know that if he does really like me than he will wait for me until we can have a relationship but I am afraid that while he is waiting for me to get older, he will marry someone else. (Since there are plenty of girls his age and his mother is always trying to match him up with girls because she doesn't get that I like him.) What should I do? How do I try to keep him available until I am old enough for a serious relationship? Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, Artistry +, writes (1 August 2008):
 Hey, If you think you are in a pickle, you will be in one, if you think you are not, then you will not be, preception
often becomes reality. One thing I have learned over time, we have to analyze why we think we love or luv people, it's because we see them as so special, so perfect. How about thinking about their possible flaws? I'll bet he leaves his dirty clothes lying around, he probably leaves the seat of the toilet up all the time (if he's the only one using it, it doesn't matter), he probably squeezes the toothpaste from the top instead of from the bottom, in oyther words, he is an ordinary man. See him that way instead of the great American hero that you are imagining him to be. Bring him back to earth and get on with you eventual wonderful life. It happens to us all, we have gigantic crushes, which may or may not turn into something permanent. You will survive, we all do, these are your special years, make the most of them, please don't allow one super, duper crush to immobilize you. Life is so very short, and as you get older you will come to realize that.
Take care of yourself, and do as I think Tisha-1 suggested, write in a journal, what goes on and your thoughts. it will serve as a type of catharsis for you. Take care and be good to yourself.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (1 August 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for the advice but I am still in a pickle.
...............................
A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (31 July 2008):
 I agree wholeheartedly with what Artistry said here. It's a que sera, sera situation.
I wouldn't spend too much time trying to analyze his actions or try to figure out what he's thinking. He's a guy, and they are often difficult for us women to understand. Just go on as you have been, giving him a wide berth so he doesn't think you're pestering him. It might be a good idea to go hang out with other friends too, and make sure you have plans with them to keep you busy.
Time will pass, and the summer will draw to a close, and you should have happy, fun memories of the season that you'll cherish when you're older. You also should be able to look back at the summer and be proud of how maturely you handled yourself. You don't want any regrets about driving him away by being too clingy, right?
...............................
A
female
reader, Artistry +, writes (31 July 2008):
Hi there, I am sure you are wondering what is going on and feeling good, right? Well you have a right to be, you never know what goes through people's minds, but for one thing, anytime you ignore someone they want to find out why and they try to seek you out. He also, I am sure is flattered by you adoration, that does not mean that you should get your hopes up with this guy. Let yout actions be what you did for the last week, leave him be. He is aware of the situation. If he gets close to you, it may lead to something that is not good at the moment. Let him be, time has to pass, as you well know for this to be a good thing. Live your life, and try to stay out of his way, let him wonder instead of you falling all over him, and he having to dissaude you from whatever. You will be in a better place, than having him dismiss you as a pest. He is aware, my thought would be that he does not want to hurt you, and at the moment he cannot act, because of the age difference. Savor his thoughtfulness and have fun with your friends, you are growing all the tims. Be happy. What is yyours will be yours, do not fret. You both are going to change in the long run, who he will be and who you will be
based on life experiences, will not be the same as today.
Husband's and wives change after they are married, to the
point that they divorce, because they have grown apart, and wind up in different places with different values in mind. Let time pass and be happy with your life, try to stop the concentration on only him, expand your horizons. Take care.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (31 July 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionOK, this guy I like is so confusing! So, about 1 week ago he told his mother that he was uncomfortable because I was always at the restraunt he worked at. Therefore, I ignored him for the week. Yesturday, I was hanging out with his family and he came over with his cousin who is in town for a visit. He and his cousin decided to go in the water and he invites me in with them. (A first. He has rarely spoken a word to me) I go in with them but come out right away because I just wanted to take a dip. Now this is the interesting part. So as he is leaving, he gives his mother a hug and kiss and comes over to give my mom a hug and kiss. Then for the first time ever, he comes over and gives me a hug! He might have kissed me I don't know. I was in complete shock so I couldn't comprehend anything. He has hugged and kissed my mom before but never me. Is this confusing or what?
...............................
A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (28 July 2008):
Hi Katie, thanks for the follow up. Wow, that IS a problem. He told his mother that he was uncomfortable with you 'always' being in the restaurant, AND that he has a big crush on a girl his own age?
Well, maybe he is feeling uncomfortable because you are pushing the boundaries a little too much. Wearing a sexy outfit and 4 inch heels is a pretty blatant way of letting a guy know you like him. If he doesn't like you back in the same way, then he would feel like you were pressuring him into liking him and because you're a family friend, that will make him feel uncomfortable.
I think that maybe you need to think about something else, okay, I'm not trying to be mean, just trying to have you think about this from another standpoint.
You know how sometimes someone will tell anther person not to put words into his or her mouth? That means that you can't assume what someone is going to say, you need to listen to their actual words.
You need to not assume that you know what he's thinking here, you're actually possibly engaging in wishful thinking. The fact that he went so far as to tell his mother that he was uncomfortable AND that he had a crush on another girl may mean just that. You may have indeed been the loveliest girl in the restaurant that night, but 4 inch heels! So think of this as a way of sending you a message, which is that he's not interested in you in this way at this point in time. And if you push it, by wearing too sexy clothes and dropping by too often, you're just going to make him get annoyed with you.
And I'm sure you don't want that. You want him to think positively about you.
As far as getting past wanting to be with him and ONLY him, and that there won't be anyone like him for you. What I'm going to tell you comes from the very bottom of my heart, okay?
I know that you have lots of friends and a good family, and that you have done some traveling, if you go to a small town every summer. I have to tell you that while you have experienced some of what life has to offer, you have not yet had the fabulous, liberating, educating, exhausting and fascinating experience of going to college. Or of moving out and living on your own and getting a great job. I have to tell you that you will encounter a lot more people in your life and that there are some really great ones out there. If you don't open your heart to meeting them and to getting to know other people (I'm not talking dating here), because you're caught up with an unavailable guy, you will miss out on so much. And that would be a big shame, as you sound like a very bright young lady with loads of energy and lots to offer.
So you can turn this into positive energy, start writing a journal about your feelings about him. And try to focus on what you just told me, which is your friends and family.
I expect a lot of fun and sparkle just went out of the summer for you; you're going to have to be sad for a day or two, and then GET OUT there! Do all the silly great fun summer stuff that most adults would give their right arm to be able to do again.
You could start a journal and write down all the dramatic things that happen and all the love stories and heartbreaks of the summer! It might be fun. And you could illustrate it with drawings or pictures and mementos.
Hope this helps, I AM sorry that he seems not to be interested in you right at this point.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (27 July 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionOk, well now I have a new "problem" you might call it. The guy I like has found out that I like him. Which would be fine. But, he told his mother about it and said that I am always in the restraunt he works in and that he is uncomfortable. Also, his mother said that he has a big crush on this girl his own age. I never thought in a million years that he would tell his mother because he would be embarrased or something like that. I don't know why this just came up now since I have been going there once a week this year and last year. (I don't know how often last year.) But, I think that this is the reason: So one night this summer (recently), I went in the restraunt with a cute outfit on and these 4 inch heels. Well, when I walked by him on my way to my table, he looked up and his eyes went up and then back down like looking at me from toes to head. (Since he was looking down, it wasn't head to toe.) I think he thought I looked beauitiful and was strongly attracted to me. I think that this scared him considering our age difference. After that I think he told his mother about me. I don't know what to do about him. I just know that I can't forget about him because I have tried. I'm also worried that I have been spoiled with him so I won't be able to find someone else as good as him if we don't end up together. It's only about 5 years that we will be caught up to each other. I am having fun with my friends and enjoying time with my family so it's not like he's all I think about. See, I come out to this very small town where everyone knows each other for the summer so it's hard not to think about him all summer. (This town is known for dramactic love stories that never end.) What do you guys think of all this?
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (27 July 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionActually, he doesn't have a sister. Our mothers are friends.
...............................
A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (20 July 2008):
Well, it is easier to get to know someone if you do talk with them from time to time. And I think that you're totally right about the way you'd handle things if you were asked to a baseball game. I have to tell you, though, that baseball games aren't all that bad. There's loads of time to talk in between innings and lots of slow time, generally. Hotdogs (so bad for you but fun to eat at the ballpark) and watching the crowd, and trying to catch foul balls. And there's that funny song for the seventh-inning stretch, 'take me out to the ball game.' Sorry, that's kind of old-fashioned, I know.
Anyway, back to the matter at hand. I think that you need to be a little realistic about where you stand with him right now. You seem to know his family pretty well, and are getting to know him through them. Are you close with his sister? Or are your parents friends of his parents?
So as I said before, life is sometimes all about timing. The best thing that you can do is to continue to develop your good qualities and work on the ones that you'd like to become better at. I remember being totally in love with the most handsome guy in high school, he was 2 years ahead of me. I never got the chance to hang out with him or his family, though. Sigh. He was soooo handsome. Well, I digress.
So you're going to have to practice what I know is not an easy thing to do at your age, or actually at any age. You'll need to be patient. And you'll also need to be a bit realistic that he may indeed meet someone else. But you may too, you know.
What I don't want you to do is to stop living your life while waiting for those 5 years to pass. I want you to get out there and do the things you love and have fun with your friends and family and learn something new everyday and just become the great young woman that I know you're going to be!!!
Talk to you later.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (20 July 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionWell, so far, we don't do anything together. We hardly talk! You must be saying to yourself, "well how on earth could she seriously like this guy if she doesn't even know him!" Well, to answer your question, his family is constantly bragging about all the things he does (in a good way) and also, I can tell a lot about him by just being around him. So yeah just by being around him and his family, I have really gotten to know him. With the other situtioni, say he asked me to go to a baseball game with him, I would probably say well, baseball really isn't my thing but being with you would make the event more enjoyable. Something like that. I would never lie to him because I respect him.
...............................
A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (18 July 2008):
Well, that sounds good. I guess the best thing you can do is just be yourself, and try to continue to be the kind of girl people can admire. Then time will tell; if you were meant to be together, it will happen. But don't let yourself ignore other guys who might actually like to do the things you like too. You said, "I'll do things with him that maybe I'm not crazy over just to be with him." One of the mistakes many girls make is to do things they don't really want to do with the guys they like, hoping that will make the guy like them better. That generally doesn't work, because the guy gets the idea that you DO like something that you really don't, and then at some point you'll have to tell him that you DON'T like it, and he'll think you've been lying to him, not realizing that you were just trying to please him. Boy, that was a long sentence, did it make sense?
What kind of things are you doing with him that you're not crazy about?
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (18 July 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI think he knows I like him. As far as when he acts differently around his family, what I mean there is he won't really pay much attention to me unlike when he is alone. I know that one thing his mother is looking for in women she matches him up with his someone athletic. (I'm not very athletic so that is a slight problem but I wouldn't mind going to like a baseball game with him if he asked me or playing a sport with him.) I'll do things with him that maybe I'm not crazy over just to be with him. With his mother again, I'm not exactly sure what impresses her but I would imagine just being a good person. I think his mother likes me but she just sees me as a young girl. Also, I think that I have him (the guy I like)impressed too! Well there's some more information to answer some of your questions! Talk to you soon.
...............................
A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (17 July 2008):
Hi, he sounds very nice to me, I could see why you'd like to make sure you have a chance at a relationship with him when you're older. Hhhmmmm, I would probably try to continue to be his friend. Does he know that you like him in that special way?
I'd try to make friends with his mother too. When you said he acts differently around you when he's with his family, what does that mean exactly?
Anyway, his mother may be trying to match him up, but it's really going to be his decision who he would like to marry, so there's not a lot you can do about that, other than to impress his mother with how mature you are and what a great girl you are. You know, you do well in school, and you do extracurricular activities and you basically treat her like a college application. What is she looking for in a woman for her son? What kind of things impress her? But again, it's up to him who he's going to have a relationship with in the end.
Most courtships that result in marriage take a couple of years. Not all of them do, of course, but generally it takes some time for them to meet, and then they have to get to know one another, and then date for a while, before anything happens.
Life is often all about timing, and sometimes the timing stinks. So be prepared for disappointments in life, not necessarily with this situation, but remember that there are many people out there in the world, and there are probably a couple of guys out there who would be great for you too. So don't miss out on a great guy because you're so wrapped up in an unavailable one. But again, I'm getting ahead of the situation here.
Develop your strengths, work on impressing his mother, AND him, of course, with what a great girl you are. Then you'll definitely be someone worth waiting for!
Good luck!
...............................
A
female
reader, Artistry +, writes (17 July 2008):
Hi there, Take care and much good luck to you.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (17 July 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionP.S. It kind of works out well with us because I am mature for my age and he is immature for his age. So it works out pretty well.
Also, I don't think that he is just a little crush. I think that we are really meant to be together. He seems perfect for me and I have no interest at looking at/for any other guy.
...............................
A
female
reader, Artistry +, writes (16 July 2008):
Hi there Katie, I have to admit, I have never heard of a bone age, I love it, thanks for the information. I take your point. It is truth that age is a number, some of us are very mature, at an earlier age than others, due to maturity levels, circumstances involving family (taking on more responsibility at a young age, etc.), so we all age differently. We are a combination of emotional age, physical age, intellectual age, and chronilogical age, and I'll include your bone age, put them all together and
we have an age which could be called your true age. Now, the five year difference, if he is mature for his age, then he is older than the number of his years. If you are more mature, than you are older than your number as well. What happens though, in a lot of cases is that, there is a negative impact when you are in your teens, and the other person is in their twenties, they sometimes don't want to be seen as robbing the cradle. That's probably why he acts differently around his family. There is also the factor of legal association, as far as sex goes. If a person is going to be with you and they grow to like you, there is that temptation that has to be resisted, which makes it very hard sometimes, to control. So the impact could be negative, and they pull away. I would not approach him, trying to control the situation, you have to let this play out for itself. Do not fret about the fact that he might marry someone else, once you get to know him very well, you might not want to marry him. Besides that, you are going to grow so much, between now and when the age difference between you won't matter, as you will be of majority age as they say, in other words of legal age to do adult things, that you might be surprised that he is of no interest to you anymore. What tastes did you have when you were 11, are they the same now, probably not, we change, we grow. Give yourself the chance to enjoy a carefree youth, without worrying about marrying someone, in the future. Marriage is not a euthopia, it takes a lot of work, and a fantasy about someone who you have a crush on, can be very different when reality unfolds. You have so much time as a young person, to get to know so many different people and to find out just what you want in a companion eventually, that I would hope that you will allow yourself the time to explore, travel and determine what the world is all about. Don't settle for your first or second great crush, expand you horizons, he is going to be doing whatever he is going to do, you don't even know if he wants to get married. This I do believe, if this is your partner in life to be, no train and any other thing can stop it from happening. I believe that, before we all were born, our lives were set as they unfold, we just walk into them, thinking we are making choices when our paths have been set. I wish you good luck in all you do, Be your own best friend and enjoy your life to the fullest. Take care always.
...............................
|
