A
male
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Dear agony aunts, I think I'm gay, I'm 23 and for years I have been having gay thoughts and fantasies which arouses me and sometimes I can't help but mastubate to them but then I feel wrong somehow. I used to have a few girlfriends when I was younger (16 and I was attracted to them) but now all I think about is kissing and having sex with other men and having a relationship with one I have even joined a dating website to date another man but I need to be sure what I am first as I don't want to lead him on. People can't just turn gay over the years can they?
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reader, anonymous, writes (1 August 2013): People don't turn gay. They may be delayed in accepting it.
They grow to adulthood, learn to live with it, and consequently understand who they really are.
Like any other human being, your orientation starts to take definition as you reach puberty. You may have thought you had an attraction to girls; because you were pushed in that direction. Your true nature and sexual identity couldn't be stifled or rewired by force. There comes a point when you can no longer lie to yourself. You succumb to what nature drives you to be.
Oh we're going to hear dozens of theories and hypothesis about who we are from scientists and religious people.
You feel so strongly about, it you were forced to write about it. You want to believe it suddenly happened. The truth is, you're now mature enough to understand it. Now you want to do something about it.
There is no scientific explanation for who or why we love.
It is human nature.
If it wasn't part of nature's design, I truly believe the behavior would have evolved out of homo sapiens just by societal and environmental aversion to it. The world was not designed for heterosexuals alone. Let the burden of proof lie on their shoulders.
People try to use religion to define who we are as a sin; but that doesn't explain why they give in to all the other so-called "sins." Why would God forgive every sin but being gay?
Living in denial is okay for some. As long as they don't cause others pain by their actions.
When gay people are put in mental institutions, jailed, bashed, murdered, or ostracized by the legal system; hiding in shame is necessary. That's why people pretend to be something they really aren't. No matter how cruel and vicious people may be to us, it can't change what nature intended.
Hitler was the epitome of the evil in man. He couldn't extinguish, nor extract what is designed and infinitely reproduced in nature, as a part of being human. To extinguish gays and Jews, he would have had to kill all of mankind.
Babies and children don't have sexual orientation.
Once your mind is developed enough to identify with your gender and what role it plays toward sex; and you connect with a gender that makes you sexually aroused; from that moment you have determined your sexual orientation.
A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused  +, writes (19 July 2013):
 you are not "turning gay" you are learning to accept who you are...
my brother is gay.. he always knew it... he dated girls in high school, even had sex with one or two... but he was never fulfilled till he met his now husband.
You may be bi-sexual like me... I am predominantly heterosexual and prefer my primary and my emotional relationship to be with a man. but given the chance and the choice I would love to be sexual with women as well and while I can form emotional attachments to women, I prefer my primary relationship to be with a man. I can and have forsaken ALL OTHERS including other women (although my husband would be ok with me finding a woman for fun and games as long as he was involved I choose to remain monogamous)
I think you may be on the sexual sliding scale leaning more towards homosexuality.
FWIW, my aunt had no clue she was really a lesbian until years after she married and had a child.... it was only after therapy and the changes in the sexual revolution that she was able to deal with her sexuality in a way that was comfortable to her.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (18 July 2013): I'm the person who asked the question, so have I began to realize I'm gay or something?
When I had a girlfriend, I was very much attracted to her though I must admit that feeling faded fast and the relationship felt awkward. These days for the past three or two years I have thought nothing but being in relationship with another man, I talk to the guy from the dating website often, he is quite attractive but I need to know who I am first because I do not want to lead him on, I am not a heartbreaker.
So is it likely that I am gay? I am 23 so If I was gay, shouldn't I have realized my sexuality while I was in my teens? because that is where most people figure out who they are though I know that is some late developers out there but before 2 years ago, there was no indicationat all that I could be gay.
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A
female
reader, llifton +, writes (18 July 2013):
 people don't really just turn gay over the years. rather, they just become more and more self-aware.
for me, i dated men my whole life until i turned 18. i always had crushes on girls, but wasn't aware of what exactly i was feeling. i just assumed i was straight because, hey, i'm supposed to be, right? i had boyfriends i cared about. but not like being with women. once i was with a girl for the first time, i never went back.
my girlfriend is 23 and she's never been with a woman before until me. i'm her first. she could tell you the same thing. she had fantasies about women her whole life and watched lesbian porn, etc. but only dated men because it never fully sank in that she might be into women.
it's not that we both just became gay over the years. we both always had the feelings, we just weren't self-aware enough to embrace it and fully accept it.
if you start seeing a guy off of a dating site, i strongly encourage you to be honest about your situation to him. let him know you've never been with a guy and you don't want to lead him on in any way and that you're trying to figure yourself out.
good luck.
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A
female
reader, MsSadie +, writes (18 July 2013):
 It's not really "turning gay" so much as realizing that you're gay. It's just the way society is that many people (especially men) go through their teens acting the way mainstream society tells them they should - aspiring for big money, banging classically pretty girls. So, it's not surprising that you have dated a few women. It's not even surprising that you were attracted to them as you can be attracted to a person of any gender regardless of your sexual orientation.
Try meeting up with a guy. If you like the experience, then yay! You discovered something new about yourself. If it turns out you only like the fantasy but not the reality, then that's okay too. Diff'rent strokes for diff'rent folks, as they say.
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A
female
reader, Euphoric29  +, writes (18 July 2013):
Dear OP,
I disagree that you can't turn gay - sexuality can develop and change a great deal over the years. I used to have a boyfriend when I was thirteen, then felt almost only attracted towards women and had a girlfriend until I was in my late twenties and now it's attraction mostly towards men but occasionally towards women as well. And I've got female friends who also had times when they dated men, then women etc.
I don't know how common this fluidity-and-change process is for men, I must admit that. But at your age, of course things can still develop.
You are not leading anybody on if you go on a date but then decide it's not for you. I mean, there's a risk of rejection whenever you go on a date, no matter if straight or gay. That's totally legitimate. I'm pretty sure every gay guy can remember a phase of uncertainty and might be understanding when you're honest about not having figured everything out yet.
You're young, go ahead to try and figure out what makes you happy. Good luck and stay safe ;)
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A
female
reader, person12345 +, writes (18 July 2013):
 No you can't "turn gay" but it sounds like you could be. Why not sign up for the site and experiment a bit? Just be safe and upfront with your intentions. Human sexuality is not totally black and white, gay or not gay, there is a spectrum. I know quite a few men who would identify as gay, but find one or two women very attractive at the same time, same goes for lesbians who find one or two men attractive. Try not to worry so much about the label right now, just do what feels right to you and be safe about it.
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