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anonymous
writes: I'll try be brief.I'm best friends with a woman and while at school we were close then we graduated and went our differnet ways and lost contact until several months ago we've become pretty close.MY feelings for her are "friendship" however hers is more than friendship, but she knows that I don't want anything to change between us.She's fallen for me, but I don't have those feelings, I'm not physically attracted to her, but emotionally were prefect match.I've kept a big secret form her and noone at all suspects it, and her friends always comment on how great i am, and how great a bf i'd make, but I've always used the excuse that I'm studying and working so i dont have time for relationships.The truth is that I'm struggling with my own sexuality, and I'm terrified. I was involved with a man secretly for 2 year and I was in love and thought i'd elope and spend our lives together, but we broke up.While I was with him, I WAS certain i was going to be with him, but now i'm not sure who or what i am now that we've broken up.She looks up to me as her perfect man, everything is perfect about me, and every guy she meets on dates she compares. but I'm afraid that if i tell her my secret and come clean she'll be torn and hate me.It's kinda like a Will and Grace situation.At the moment in her eyes, I'm this perfect straight perfect batchelor waiting for my right girl.Should i keep quiet and figure out who i am OR I don't take this burden all on my own and tell her that I'm confused and tell her about me.I'm scared that what we have now will be screwed if i tell her i think i'm gay, and make her loose all trust in men, as she was seriously hurt in a previous relationship when she got engaged.What do i do?
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female
reader, doublethink +, writes (30 July 2006):
 Yes, tell her. I like what the first reply suggests - very sensitive. If you're not yet out to anyone, you'll be showing her how much you love and value her by choosing her to be the first person you confide in, and I don't think she'll hate you - what friend could hate a friend in need of their support?You say you're not sure who or what you are - really? You were in a relationship with a man for two years. Are you ever attracted to women? If not, you're gay. If yes, I'd guess you're bisexual. I struggled against my feelings of being gay for a long time and it didn't help. I was unhappy for a long time. Once I was honest with myself I started feeling better. Once I was honest with my friends and family things really started to improve.If you're gay and you don't want to be, I can understand that - it's not the easiest situation. But, trust me, there's nothing you can do. It's not a choice. If you're gay, you have to accept that - after all, it's nothing to be ashamed of - and you have to be open to new men in your life. OK, so the first one wasn't The One - but you'll meet him in the end.In fact, it strikes me that this is something else you and your friend have in common - you've both been hurt by previous relationships. As bitching buddies, you're perfect for each other! Talk to her!All the best. x
A
female
reader, Bev Conolly  +, writes (11 July 2006):
 Please, please, please tell her. Make it soon.
I've been the unrequited girlfriend-wannabee in this situation a couple of times, and I can tell you that it hurts more to realise how long it went on. She'll feel foolish when she knows, but not as foolish as if she finds out in a year or two!
I appreciate that you're struggling with your sexuality. Maybe that's how you can tell her what's going on in your heart. Sample: "Sandie, it's not easy to say this, but I think I'm gay, even though I haven't come out about it. I want you to know because a lot of our friends think that there might be romance between us, and I'd never want to lead you on that way."
(If only three of my past 'boy-friends' -- all of whom later came out about their sexuality-- had said words to that effect to me, they could have saved me a lot of embarrassment and heartache.)
Putting in a way similar to the way I've written it makes it less about *her* attraction to you, and more about appearances with your mutual friends, but believe me, she'll get the point immediately.
I'm confident that she won't "hate you" -- not in the long term. She'll probably feel disappointed and, as I said, foolish. She'll be embarrassed. She'll want to shrivel up and hide. But only for a little while.
Remember what you've told us: you're friends with her. She loves your personal qualities and the emotional bond you both share. That's not something a person can just switch off.
So there's a very good chance that -- after a suitable period of recovery, and a few weeks of replaying all the "I should have known" moments in her mind -- she'll take a deep breath and reconnect with you. Only this time, she won't have stars in her eyes and unrealistic expectations.
If a truthful admission, made to avoid hurting her, makes her "lose faith in all men", then she's just not thinking rationally. You can't be held responsible for that!
Just be kind, be gentle and tell her the truth.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (11 July 2006): It is her own choice to decide if she will trust another man or not so don't let this trip you up.
I feel for you. It is most hard when you are stuggling with who you are and what you want in life.
I think that if she truly loves you she will accept you for who you are and she will understand and support you.
She is a friend to you first and so trust in yourself.
I would be honest with her. Above all else, she needs that honesty to form a true decision. So do you.
Fear is never a good guide.
Be strong and be true.
*hugs*
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