A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Me and my other half have been in a relationship for 10 years, I'm 26 and he's 31, we have 2 kids together, he also has 3 from a previous relationship! I have recently started up my own business and I am also studying at the moment which is very hard to juggle and wouldn't have been able to do it without my partners help! Everything has been really stressful! over the past few weeks I have been trying to get a lot of college work done to prepare for my hand in day! So for the past few weekends I have been going to the pub with the girls and not getting in until late! my partner says he doesn't mind although I can tell by his actions he does!! I was beginning to think I was going through a mid life crisis because I have been to the pub the past 3 weeks in a row, and I have had the greatest time in a long time, was great to let my hair down, my partner has crohns disease and cant really drink because it makes him ill, so I feel bad for him in that respect but should I not go out?? Just feel like im constantly studying or at work or doing house work and I don't want to seam selfish by going to the pub! I have also been very distant with my partner and I don't know why, to be honest, he likes to smoke weed and it feels like all he does is smoke weed on his phone in the kitchen, I just feel like I want more from my life!! but yet I feel bad and selfish for feeling like this, He thinks I have grown out of him because I have never had any of my adulthood to myself, I totally agree with him but cant tell him because I don't want my kids to go without a dad and I don't want to make the wrong decision because im not sure how I feel! I think I want time to myself for a bit so I can be me, not have to answer to no one as I cant go anywhere without telling someone! I do love him but something just isn't right anymore and I cant figure out what it is!! I know this message seams all over the place, Sorry!! Hope someone can help!!
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female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (7 May 2015):
 I agree with Auntie Bim Bim
It's a LITTLE too late to decide you want to be "yourself" after having put two kids into the world. Your kids should BE your priority.
My guess is you are a LITTLE overwhelmed with you current schedule and thus use the week-end drinking with the girls to let your hair down, however, it IS not helping you much.
Having started in a SERIOUS relationship before having had the opportunity to LIVE a little (as a single person) might also be why you are now questioning things. YOU had to grow up faster and now you feel like you got "cheated" out of all the FUN young single people get to have. THE thing is... YOU are no longer single. You are part of a FAMILY unit complete with kids and step-kids. The whole I want to not have to tell anyone where I am or where I'm going.. Well, that boat has come and left. Once you CHOOSE to have kids you have responsibilities and obligations, and those last for 18+ years.
As for your BF, I think you HAVE partly outgrown him. I mean he is some stoner who likes to play on his phone rather then take care of the kids and family? Yes, I would HAVE A LONG and serious chat with him. Maybe he is ALSO part of why you WANT to "get away". If you on TOP of starting a business, going to school, care for kids and house HAVE to "care" for an ADULT child (read BF) then no wonder you feel the way you do. Does he work?
If push come to shove, can YOU take care of your 2 children by yourself? If not? I would WORK towards THAT goal. THAT mean re-focus on finishing school and building the company.
I have to ask though, if he smokes that much wed aren't you the LEAST bit worried about leaving the kids with him while you are out drinking?
One thing though, I think EVERYONE (adults) need some "me-time" here and there to recharge their batteries, but maybe cut down the drinking out EVERY week to 2 a month. And then have family nights or date at home night the other 2 Saturday.
A
female
reader, Aunty BimBim  +, writes (7 May 2015):
 First thing to do is to realise that if you are pushed to get your assignments etc done, and are busy trying to establish a business this is probably not the optimum time to be going out and staying out late every weekend.
You are making the wrong choices, and this is one thing you can change, immediately!
You are part of a unit, consisting of you, your partner, and your two children, and sometimes his three children, and while I would be one of the first women to agree we sometimes need some time out, you need to think how much more fun it could have been if you had planned to do something with the people who should be most important to you, ie your family, instead of heading out to the pub like a single girl.
This weekend, instead of going off and leaving all your woes behind you, feeling woeful, plan something fun and different you can do at home, or somewhere close.
A picnic in the living room is always a good one, followed by board games with the kids.
You have kids, so you need to get used to the idea you will not be able to go anywhere without anybody knowing for a long time .......... get used to it, that is part of being a parent.
And tell your partner to pull up his boots, you and him are supposed to be a team, he can do some of the housework, and here is my honest opinion, if he is not willing to be a productive part of the team you will be better off without him, and so will the kids (providing you get YOUR s**t together), because they need positive role models.
I hope you, and he, can sort this out!
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (7 May 2015): I've been with a bf from 16 to 23. I knew I was not going to live with him, let alone marry him. What you're descriibing now may be just a passing crisis, after all you're both right, you went from being someone's daughter to being someone's step-mother and mother! In y case it was a clear sign that I wanted out of the relationship. Sorry. That is just my case.You seem like an active, hard-working, competent youn woman. While you're working, studying, taking care of yoru family and your home... he's smoking weed?Now aks yourself this... what would happen had you met him yesterday? Would you have fallen for him? Or even if you liked him or fell in love with him, would that feeling grow into love? How compatible are you two now?From what you wrote it seems to me that he's someone who lets his life just happen to him. If I undesrtood correctly he was 21 when you started going out and by that time he already fathered 3 kids? Instead of doing something with his life he than started dating a 16 year old girl and got 2 more kids? It doesn't sound like a plan... and you sound like you're all about making plans for your future.Don't feel guilty, that's a waste of energy. It hurts but be hnest with yourself. Do you want to be with him in 10 years time? You bussy as a bee with him on the phone smoing weed?On the other hand, if it turns out that you don't mind all that and that he's a great stay at home dad (it's just that roo-much-weed thingthat bothes me a bit) you could be compatible, in a way.You are the only one who knows the answer.Btw, the kids wouldn't be growing without a dad, that's a wrong way to think about a divorce/separation. They suffer much more in a bad relationship.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (7 May 2015): sounds like your relationship may be going through a rough patch. I completely understand wanting to get some girl time in and that's fine but you mentioned you and he were distant . You also mentioned him smoking a lot of pot. It seems to me you may have some underlying problems here and maybe couples therapy could help. Also try having a date night with just the two of you and spice things up . Good luck :)
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