A
male
age
36-40,
*nidentified1
writes:Hi everyone! First of all before I even begin I would like to thank you for reading this and for any responses as well. I'll start at the beginning I'm a 24 year old guy, whose life has recently been turned upside down! All my life I've thought I was straight but at the back of my head I've been thinking I've been in denial that I could be bi or even just gay.Well just a quick background about myself, I've never had problems with girls in fact I'm constantly told I'm very good looking and go into modelling etc but for some reason I have never been too much into girls, I find them attractive but don't go out of my way for them! I've never had a real relationship which I find embarrassing but at the same time I've not been interested which is why I started to think I'm not like other guys... over the years I've found myself more attracted to men! No one would guess I'm gay, I don't act it and talk about girls when I have to...It's only recently that I've been thinking more about it and have stopped fighting my feelings. Well the problem is I've come to a point in my life now where I think I need to accept it. I think I've fallen in love a with a man. It all started at work... a friend of mine one time pointed out him out saying he's a good friend of hers. From the moment I saw him something happend, a feeling I can't describe, which is why everything changed. This guy is about 9 years older than me, he's not the best looking guy in the world but I've gone mad over him. At first I only knew things about this guy from other people, everyone describes him as nice, a kind and gentle guy. First time I spoke to him something in my stomach happened... butterflies, I felt myself getting nervous which I'm not normally. I found out through my friend whose very good friends with him that he had recently broke up with his ex of 10 years. Of course it broke my heart thinking that he's deffo straight!Or is he? Well the thing is, something in me tells me he's not. This is where it gets confusing!! One day after work me, my friend and him met... I was soo nervous I had a few drinks to calm my nerves! We got on great, he was just like I thought but then he started to make gay jokes and this made everything different. I found myself annoyed with him but with myself for thinking I had a chance but the reason why I think there's something there is because of the way he looked at me - you know, when it's more than just a second too long? Anyway, since that day he's on my mind all day at work and night I think about him constantly... I'm going mad!! I check his every move at work, who he talks to, when he goes for lunch etc!!This just is not me... am I in love? I have never ever felt like this before so it's something that's for sure. I don't think about anything sexual, most of the time it's about being with him! One day as I was getting on a bus he stopped to give me a lift, but I hadn't seen him so found out the next day from my friend! This made me so happy...He's asked my friend before to bring me for drinks, he's also asked my friend before if I had a girlfriend, he always seems nervous around me too, I've caught him looking at me many times too, he's always winking at me! Does that mean anything? Well basically we met up with him during xmas again! This time we got on soo well, I looked at him in the eyes so many times and I thought he was too! I don't know if I'm imagining it but there was deffo something there.. At the same time he made gay jokes which confused me even more! We got a bit drunk and ended up back at my friends! Once there, conversation turned to his girfriend, I said he was a nice and a good looking guy and shouldn't have a problem finding a girl.. my friend made a comment about us being gay, we just laughed then he said I was very good looking and kept saying I would make a good couple with some girls from work. Whilst my friend was out the room we both stared at each other right in the eyes I know I felt something there... I then said can I ask you something, he was like yes, I goes, no leave it but he looked right at me and said go on, I ended up saying do you fancy my friend? He said yeah but not that way because she has a boyfriend! He then again made a comment how I was better looking than this other guy! He eventually left, I felt more confused than ever. When I saw him at work he was being weird almost embarrassed. I emailed him asking if he had gotten home ok? He said yeah and made a few jokes but since then it seems like he's been avoiding me!I'm going mad at work even to the point of where I want to leave! No one in this world knows I might be gay, I don't know if I'm in love, I don't know what he's thinking and every time I go past I feel like my heart is going to explode! He does look at me, but won't go past my desk so I've started to do the same and it's awkward now!Please help, I can't believe how much I've written!Just needed to get It off my chest!!!
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male
reader, UKguy99  +, writes (7 April 2009):
haha I have been there mate ! same thing happened to me while I was in University 2 yrs ago , I totally fell for my Professor! But in your case at least you talk with this guy ,,i couldn’t even do that, but dearly loved him and kinda still do. Don’t know if he was straight , something told me or I made to believe myself that he was gay ,well I graduated and left the city , never saw him again ...but ya somewhere down I still love him. All I learnt is that we for our purpose of joy create many illusions , a virtual belief system, that may or may not exist. It's important to think rationally, I have mourned over my lost love a bit, but I now know it was just a self inflicted pain. I was lucky I had to leave that city , but you must not leave your job. Try to put all these feelings in a realistic frame, and act fast ..if you think he is your sole pursuit to happiness than go and ask him out Today !!! I would suggest you to email him about your feelings over a weekend (on Friday ) and ask him to respect this mail. IF not, then get hold of yourself, and go on dates with more guys/girls.. there are plenty of ppl looking for love.
A
male
reader, UKguy99 +, writes (7 April 2009):
haha I have been there mate ! same thing happened to me while I was in University 2 yrs ago , Itotally fell for my Professor! But in your case at least you talk with this guy ,,i couldn’t even do that, but dearly loved him and kinda still do. Don’t know if he was straight , something told me or I made to believe myself that he was gay ,well I graduated and left the city , never saw him again ...but ya somewhere down I still love him. All I learnt is that we for our purpose of joy create many illusions , a virtual belief system, that may or may not exist. It's important to think rationally, I have mourned over my lost love a bit, but I now know it was just a self inflicted pain. I was lucky I had to leave that city , but you must not leave your job. Try to put all these feelings in a realistic frame, and act fast ..if you think he is your sole pursuit to happiness than go and ask him out Today !!! I would suggest you to email him about your feelings over a weekend (on Friday ) and ask him to respect this mail. IF not, then get hold of yourself, and go on dates with more guys/girls.. there are plenty of ppl looking for love.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (3 January 2009): It could be that he is going through the same thing you are. The gazing into eachothers' eyes? Straight guys don't do that! The gay jokes all the time may be some sort of a test he has come up with to see what your reaction is. Your email to him may have scared him off a little, and hence the awkwardness at work. If he is questioning his sexuality as you are, he's probably going back and forth with the idea.
Come up with a way to break the ice again. Start with a simple conversation just to get him back on track...then maybe suggest doing something on a day off...something manly...like going to a football game or a hockey game. Try to get him to feel comfortable hanging out with you. Sooner or later the truth will come out...and I have a feeling it just may be in your favor. If you should find out he is definitely straight, move on, go to a gay bar. Do some investigative work online. Find out where the gay guys go! You will find someone! Good Luck!
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