A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I'm in a dilemma and really need some help. Although I have a boyfriend, I've started to fall for a different guy, which sounds really shallow I know, but please read my explanation of the situation. I truly don't know what to do. :(I'm 19, and my boyfriend is 50. (You read that right.) We met about 5 years ago at a place where he worked and I volunteered. We never had any contact beyond saying "hello" when we walked by each other, but I had a crush on him and he knew it. He tells me now that he was attracted to me as well (I looked older than I was) but knew I was too young to say anything, so I didn't have any idea how he felt.Two years ago he stopped working at that place, and about a year and a half ago I found him online and we started talking. It was about 4 months that we talked just as friends before we admitted our true feelings to each other. Now we've been "together" for a year and a few months. We have had some rough patches... My parents found out that I was talking to him, and they basically told me that I had to stop if I wanted to continue living at home. They didn't want to meet my guy, or talk to him or get to know him at all, which I don't think was reasonable, but I digress. Anyways... at the same time, I was pretty upset about a habit he had of constantly talking online with women who posted pictures of themselves half-naked, and I told him I needed some time to think about things.The breakup lasted 4 months. Eventually I couldn't take it anymore, because I couldn't stop missing him, and we got back together. My parents don't know that I'm talking to him again. He's stopped talking to girls who post slutty pictures, and has apologized sincerely. Over the last six months we have gotten very serious, and it's a little intense for me, to be honest. However, I also haven't seen my boyfriend in person ever since he stopped working at the place where I met him. I've never kissed him. I don't drive, and am very much a homebody, and I've never been able to go out and see him without my parents knowing.I'm a freshman in college now and I've met a guy I really like. He's a senior and 3 years older than me, and I feel so guilty for liking him, but he's really awesome and interesting and sweet. Every time I see him, he gives me a hug. He's a hug person anyways, so it might not mean anything, but lately he's been giving me long hugs and I'm kinda wondering if he's interested in me...I feel so guilty. My boyfriend trusts me here, and I do talk to him just about every day on Skype. But I'm starting to doubt my relationship with my boyfriend. :( He's so serious about me - he wants to marry me, he wants to have a baby with me - and I think he really means these things. I feel like a jerk saying this, but I've only just started college! How am I supposed to promise to marry him and have his babies? Also, I'm getting tired of being in a relationship but never seeing my boyfriend. He wants to come visit me in the spring (I am almost 400 miles from him and he can't afford to make the trip very often), but that's such a long way off. I feel like I'm not in a real relationship, and that makes me feel terrible because I know my boyfriend loves me so much. He tells me it would break his heart if I ever left, because every woman he's ever been with has treated him crappy and left him. I so don't want to hurt him. But he doesn't give me butterflies as often as he used to. :(So I'm torn... I don't want to hurt my boyfriend, who is sweet and caring and always tells me how much he loves me and how he will always be there for me. And I do love him - don't get me wrong. I don't want to see him hurt, and want even less to be the cause of that hurt. But the prospect of freedom, of someone my own age (and the potential of growing old with someone), and of not having that pressure to get married and have a baby as soon as I get out of college... it's hard for me to ignore that. I really don't know what to think or do. :'( Some words of advice or support would be very much appreciated.
View related questions:
crush, got back together, living at home, my ex, talking to girls Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (6 October 2011):
 I think that it's time for you at 19 to move on
you were 14 when you met this guy... he was 45. Now I'm a big proponent of age gap relationships. I have one. My boyfriend is 13 years younger than I am.... and that's enough for me.
you have never kissed your boyfriend nor do you spend time with him... I don't even consider that a real boyfriend girl friend relationship to be honest.
I think that if the young man you see at school (the senior) is interested that you should go for it.
the older man who you never really see will live and learn...
A
reader, anonymous, writes (6 October 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionWell, I broke up with him tonight. It was not fun. I may get back together with him at some point because I already know I'll miss him like hell. He says he'll be waiting if I ever change my mind. This absolutely sucks and I am miserable. Will see if things get better any time soon. I still love him so much and I know he loves me, and that I hurt him. Lord. I just don't know how this is going to turn out.
...............................
A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (5 October 2011):
 I think this is a case of the real displacing the virtual; I think you know that the on-line relationship isn't sustainable over time. His iffy past of sexy chat with on-line strangers suggests he has a pattern (at age 50, we definitely have patterns) and he'll no doubt be sad for a while, but he will be able to move on.I think it's best for him in the long run, anyway, he can't afford to come see you which suggests your life with him would be a bit tough. You wouldn't be able to visit your parents very often. I think it's inevitable, he knows it, he's trying to cling to you but honestly, speaking as a 50+ woman, a guy who has become totally dependent on an on-line relationship with an 18 year old girl has some issues. In other words, there's a reason he's been dumped so many times. It doesn't just happen over and over again to a genuinely sincere guy, not at age 50. He's got something going on with him that means he can't sustain a relationship.Frankly, he sounds like he's manipulating you by making you responsible for his own personal happiness. That's a red flag. The distance and being unable to come visit for so long, another red flag. The past history of suspicious chatting with online flirts, another red flag. His age of 50 and the fact he noticed you as a younger girl, um, sorry, but that is another red flag. At this point, your internal alarm systems should be going off, saying "whoop whoop whoop! Something's wrong here! Whoop whoop whoop! Better to err on the side of caution! Dump! Dump!"I'm sure you don't want to be mean or cause him pain; the fact of the matter is that he knew full well going into this that it was likely to end in tear. Sorry, that's just a realistic take on your situation.Break up with him nicely, don't make him hang on for another year before you finally realize he's not really a suitable candidate for you as a long-term, real boyfriend. The sooner you do it, the sooner he can mourn the breakup and move on with his life. You're actually doing him a favor, to let him get on with finding a real girlfriend close by where he lives. This on-line virtual relationship stuff is kind of a trap for living life in limbo.So end it, gently but without negotiation or discussion, then you can live in your present and real life and date the guy who has much more in common with you. A REAL future awaits, don't hang on to a virtual boyfriend, okay? It's not healthy.Good luck.
...............................
A
female
reader, natasia  +, writes (5 October 2011):
 You sound like really a v. nice, sympathetic and decent sort of person - and I am sure that is why the older guy loves you, along with the fact that you are 19.
OK, here's the thing. Your instinct is completely right. (a) it isn't a 'real' relationship with the older guy, because someone isn't really your boyfriend if you never see them, and haven't seen them for several years. It is very easy for things to get all emotional in emails, etc, but it is just that - virtual. Living with someone is a very very very different thing. So as for babies, etc - he is in fantasy land with that. He is pretty much all together in fantasy land, because it also would simply not be fair for a 50 year old to be with a 19 year old. You are at totally different stages. OK, here it comes ... an age gap of 31 years really is exceptional, and, I think, too much. He isn't Heffner and you aren't a bunny. You sound like a normal girl who wants a normal boyfriend and life.
So ... you are totally right that you should finish things with the older man, and set yourself free to have a relationship with the college guy.
But I know the big problem is that you are nice, and can't bear the thought of letting him down.
I'm afraid the kindest way would probably be to stop answering emails, etc, so promptly - just really reduce your contact with him. He will question that, but either don't reply, or be non-committal in your replies. He needs to get the message, and he will be very very resistant to getting the message. I guess what I am saying is that you have to try to wean him off you.
Or, you just say 'sorry - it's over' and leave it at that. I don't honestly know which is best, because you have to accept that however you do it, it will hurt him (and you), but that it has to be done, because no way are you at your age marrying a 50 year old and having babies. That just isn't an option. He needs to accept that.
You need to be free to live your young life. He was free to do that when he was young - you deserve the same. And of course you can't be pressured or manipulated into life as he sees it. Maybe he's ready for a baby - but you aren't. You haven't even had a physical relationship yet - you don't even know what you would think of him if you saw him again.
This is how virtual relationships can get really out of line with reality. Honestly, be brave, face up to it, and let him down gently. It will be ok. He will find someone else. I am sorry for him, and for you, but he knew and knows that his fantasy is pretty outlandish, and basically unfair on you. He needs someone who is in the right place to appreciate him - you aren't.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (5 October 2011): ditch the old geezer. think of it this way. If you are 25, your boyfriend is 55. If you were to grow attached to him and be with him long-term (unrealistically speaking, but still needs to be said) when you are 40, he will be ...old...and ready to die. He's old and expired. He's not even at his prime anymore whereas you are barely hitting your prime. You will want to date hot younger men anyways. ditch the grandpa.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (5 October 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for answering, sageoldguy, but I really don't think it's the case with my boyfriend... at least I have told him, over and over, that I will always want him and love him... so I will feel absolutely terrible for breaking up with him out of the blue. we really do have the best relationship we can, given the circumstances. I know he loves me and doesn't want to lose me. :(
...............................
A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (5 October 2011):
 NOt to worry. Most any 50 YO man knows that his "relationship" with a 19 YO woman has an "expiration" date on it.... so he'll "understand" when you reveal that you have (finally) learned that there are young men your own age.... and, that you have gotten sweet on one of them....
Good luck....
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (5 October 2011): WOW...that's one hell of a story..Well, I'm not in your situation, but if I were, next time I talk to him try to figure out if you can actually imagine walking down the isle with him and never marrying ANY other man. Never kissing anyone else, never being with anyone else.. Then do that with the younger guy. Which picture is more clear? Still a little foggy? Imagine having children with each of them. Don't get to the point where you go "ooh, I could imagine both guys married to me and...both...having..their..childr-oh god" and collapse in lust. I would honestly think (not trying to offend) to myself, in a few years or so, will my boyfriend (50) honestly be ABLE to have children with me? Is he honestly not talking to any other women like he used to? Just some food for thought. Hope I helped. (:And by the way? If it makes any sense, I'm a lot younger than my profile says I am, so don't think your taking a mother's wise advice and mess everything up.
...............................
|
