A
female
 ,
anonymous
writes:I'm not really sure where to start.. It's been a long time since I've had to post anything on this site.. I was going out with a guy up until about 18 months ago. We broke up because he was controlling, critical, emotionally abusive, a habitual drug user and a compulsive liar. He totally destroyed all the trust I'd ever had for anyone. When we broke up, I went off the rails a bit. Started going out, sleeping around, hurting the people I loved along with some of the guys I met along the way, getting really really drunk, was raped.. Along with all the bad stuff, I reconnected with some of my best friends who he'd stopped me from seeing and made some blinding new ones!But one thing has eluded me. I think I'll never be able to love again, no matter how much I want to. I can't even hold a guy's hand in public anymore. I've had a relationship since but it ended badly.Now I've met someone who is a dear friend to me. I think I like him in 'thataway' and I know he likes me. I'd love to take the change, but I'm literally terrified. My heart pounds and I get dizzy just thinking about it. I know that I'll mess it up if I try it but I really want to.. Any suggestions on how to get better?
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male
reader, rcn  +, writes (29 January 2009):
 You need therapy. I know that's not what you wanted to hear, but it's the truth. So you being hurt by your ex, did you really think it would be okay to leave a line of destruction, and passing along that pain to other people? The "I'm hurt, so you have to hurt" attitude. It's almost like you were abused too much, so you thought it would be nice to share some of that with other "victims", but what really happened? You ended up really abusing yourself even more than your ex did....Why?
The things your ex did to you was not your fault. But what you did after, you have to take responsibility. It's not because of what your ex did. It's because that's how you chose to deal with what had happened. Although you were wild and out of control, the rape wasn't your fault. You can't blame yourself for the actions of another.
I want you to "take it slow". It's okay to be with him, but be honest about your limitations today. Be honest with him. Let him know you want to be with him, but you were hurt real bad, so you have to heal also, and it wouldn't be fair to him to give him less of you than he deserves.
By taking it slow, you can work on yourself, with a support system, and develop your relationship, releasing the barriers that keep you afraid.
You deserve to be happy, and it's up to you to build that belief, then seek it.
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