A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:So... I'll try to make this the abridged version.When I was 15, I met a boy. We had an instant connection and fell in love. He was the love of my life. I was convinced, as most young people are, that this love was eternal. We were so happy for so long. But he was older than me, and as I got closer to 18 he made it clear that he wanted to join the military (he was 21) and wanted us to get married. I freaked out and dumped him and started dating some loser. I was just too young for that.It only took me a few weeks to go back to him but I know I really hurt him. A few months later, he moved to another state where he was able to find a decent job and live on his own. At 18 I just didn't understand. I guess I was selfish but I was so young. After a few months of being apart and fighting constantly, I dumped him. I loved him but I felt like we needed to figure stuff out with out the pressure of having to keep the other happy. I assumed we'd get back together... We spoke a few times. Each time we admitted that we still loved each other but I was angry with him (because he moved away) and I didn't tell him the truth. The truth was that I missed him and that I was willing to move anywhere to be with him... I wanted him to ask me, so I said nothing.That Christmas, his sister called me and very nonchalantly told me that he had gotten married. I don't remember anything else she said. It was truly the worse day of my life.Almost a year later I found him at my doorstep. I didn't know if I wanted to slap him or kiss him so I stood there. We talked for a long time. He told me that he loved me still and that he regretted getting married but that he owed it to his wife to try and make things work. I agreed intellectually but my heat was crushed. We stayed in touch for a little while but his wife found out... nothing was going on but I don't blame her one bit for being as mad as she was. That was 10 years ago.....In these 10 years, I've had a few boyfriends. I've made some good decisions, some bad decisions but I've carried the pain of losing him with me everywhere. At first, people were understanding after all, everyone thought we'd get married. Then everyone thought I should "move on". So I tried. I dated. I partied. I went to school... I moved to another state as well. 5 years ago, I met a man. He's a good man. He was the first guy I could love since my ex. We dated for 2 years and then marriage seemed like the appropriate next step. My wedding day was happy. I have a generally happy marriage.But my heart, it's not the same. My ex invades my dreams at least once a week. I still miss him. I still love him but that's not the problem. I know that I will always love him... that he was my first love and will hold a special place in my heart forever. The problem is, I can't make close friends. I can't be totally vulnerable with my husband. I cannot allow myself to really really love my husband because I cannot risk feeling that kind of hurt ever again. I don't want to live like this. I want to be able to let go of this but I still cry sometimes. I go over it again and again in my mind. How he hurt me... how I could have done things differently... how he shouldn't have married some other woman just because he "thought he lost me". I've been told to "get over it" and "move on". I don't know HOW to do that. I feel like I've been carrying a burden for a decade that I don't know how to begin to put down. My husband deserves all of me. How can I get to a point where it's ok that my ex hurt me but that it doesn't hurt anymore?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (27 February 2009): ***Original Poster****I don't speak to my ex. I haven't laid eyes on him since 1999. We've spoken briefly via the internet a couple of times. I don't know how he feels, nor will I ask as it would be terribly inappropriate of me. From the last time we spoke, I know he still cares for me but that's as far as the conversation went. We're not exactly "in contact". We know how to contact each other (hard not to when you have some people in common) but we don't usually. Every few years or so one of us sends a happy birthday wish or tells the other that someone died or something like that. Here's the thing. I feel like I've been walking around numb for about 7 years since I decided it was time to "move on". But I'm unhappy for it. Now, I decided that I need to work on this... to let myself feel something for once and all this pain comes rushing back in. And I know that if I stuff this down again... if I ignore this pain and pretend it's not there I'll spend the rest of my life going through the motions. I don't think I can really love ANYONE until I learn to get over this but no one can tell me HOW to do that... HOW do you do that?
A
female
reader, jessica04 +, writes (27 February 2009):
 I think you're having these problems because a lot of your relationship with this ex was left unresolved. You never got to see whether things would end up going well or whether you two would break up because of something else in a relationship.
The truth is, this really is something you should let go. If you don't loe your husband, or think you never will be able to give him what he deserves, then mabe to you need to hae a talk with him so he has the option of leaving all of this without being more damaged.
Does your ex even feel the same way anymore? If he has stopped communication and is focusing on his family, then I would take that as a sign to do the same. If he is with his new family, and working hard to be a good man to his wife, then that is where his resolve is at, and right now you just might have to use taht as 'closure'.
Be more open with your husband, he sounds like a good guy who just got in between something bigger than he could understand.
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