A
male
age
30-35,
*mit thakur
writes:i am 22 year old boy and have no real friend with whom i can share my sadness.. i feel alone al the time. i have no friends and i am not good at making one. a girl came in my life and became my friend. and that also because her family knows my family. it was good and we mostly only chat and its ok because i can talk to her when i am sad. problem is i am getting too valnerable. i want her to be with me all the time. i want her to text me regularly. she just take me as a friend and text me whenever she gets the chance but since she has other friends she dont text me as often as i want and i think i am starting to like her. when she talks to me i feel fine and when she doesnt then i am not able to spend a second. i get restless. my family is not suppoertive and never reaaly cared about if i am sad or happy and most of time i keep crying because i have no one to share my feelings and i am getting too attached to this girl..i think i got some mental problems.. what do you guys think. why am i so sttracted to her..what should i do
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 August 2014): I agree with WiseOwlE (cool name btw).
I went through a similar phase but mine was different. I was a shy & very private girl but suddenly been pushed to the forefront and became popular in college. After that, you start losing touch of your closest friends and now I finally feel alone with many acquaintances but no real friends. It's hard to trust someone with your innermost thoughts for fear that they won't accept you. Well, here's what helped me fight it: GOD.
You may not believe me but it was the string that kept me together. Here are the things I've started to live by:
1. Somewhere out there your problems are not as bad as the next person who doesn't have a job but has lots of bills to pay. SOLUTION: Focus on what makes you lucky.
2. If you don't believe in yourself, attach to someone who believes in you (friend or family) but if you have none, attach yourself to a higher being. MY SOLUTION: Lift all of my worries to God and keep asking HIM to show you the way. Even go as far as asking for specific signs eg. a bird flying in this area where there's no sign of animals that usually go there. From personal experience, mine was spot on.
Of course it could be a coincidence but if you will let yourself truly believe, it will give you answers inside you.
Having something to believe in other than focusing on yourself helps make things bearable which leads me to...
3. If you help other people, you end up helping yourself. SOLUTION: Devote your time to a good cause (for me helping my family solve our problems) that will make you happy and in the end, you will feel accomplished or be too busy for that cause and it will lessen your own personal worries.
4. Always dream. As long as you have something you want to reach, you will less likely to feel lonely. And when you take the steps to reach it. That's even better! SOLUTION: Set a goal with a timeframe and every week try to take a small step to get close to it.
I pressure myself to do it but if I feel like I need to relax, then I give myself a break. This helped my mind focus on something good rather than on bad.
5. Confidence & smile (even if you don't feel like it). Even if nobody believes in you but if you analyze what you're good at and believe you can do something even if no one else thinks so, YOU CAN REALLY DO IT. And your confidence will grow. That's the power of positive thinking. EVENTUALLY, people will gravitate to you and you will find your one or two good friends, that's all you really need, in my opinion BUT always be nice to everyone without letting them step on you too. Don't be shy to meet new people because you can learn so much from their experiences.
6. BE GRATEFUL. No matter how small or big, find something to be grateful for. SOLUTION: Create a journal that lists ONLY positive things you are grateful for that day. Whenever your lonely or sad, go back to it to read it so you can remember what you are grateful for. Mine was as simple as: Thank you for the good laugh I had with a co-worker today. It doesn't have to be long but it needs to be an honest gratitude.
NOW FOR THE GIRL ISSUE:
It's possible you are clinging to her to seek companionship. I don't see a problem with liking her, it's when you want more something from her but she doesn't is where you would have to think hard about. There are two ways it can result: 1) She likes you and you continue to get to know each other better. 2) She doesn't like you and it'll feel awkward being w/ each other, therefore you may lose a good friend OR 3) She doesn't like you BUT you still become friends anyway.
If you're ready to face the consequences of any of these without making you feel more sad, then I'd say take the steps to court her, flirt with her, tease her, compliment her etc. Do the things that will make your intentions known but not in an obsessive way, just be sincere.
If not, and that's ok. I'd say control your heart and keep the friendship strong. Give and take. Invest time to be grateful for her friendship and be inspired to be a better person because of her. She may be the angel you need in your life and you don't want to lose her as a VERY good friend.
Best of luck to you! 22 is such a great age, I'd go for adventure if I was 22 again! like travel, new hobbies, study something I'm passionate about etc.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (15 August 2014): First, you are no longer a boy at 22. You are a man. You are infatuated, and have too much time on your hands.
You have an emotional-dependency on the young lady; because you have no friends. Social awkwardness and isolation is often the result of insecurity and anxiety from unsubstantiated fear of rejection. You may need treatment for a mental disorder. If you know that, it's up to you to go find professional help. Not drop your troubles on her.
Your parents no longer have responsibility for attending to your problems. It isn't so much that they don't care, they may be forcing you to live independently and to rely on your own resources. They want you to mature and take care of yourself. They can't coddle you like a child.
You have to seek counseling and therapy on your own. You may have to use available social programs, or call local helplines designated for helping troubled and lonely individuals. Seek referrals through charitable organizations, if you don't have the money. Use the time you're wasting texting and bothering her, to find yourself help. Let that persistence be directed toward getting something you need more than having her. Counseling.
Don't allow your attachment to the girl to get out of control. She doesn't feel the same way about you; so you are setting yourself up for frustration and depression.
Get a job, take classes. Join an art class, or a hobby club.
Use your creative and productive energies. Discover the talent and potential deep within yourself. Creativity offers something to people,it draws people. Try new things to develop talents. That gives you confidence. Learn to be an expert at something. Having a hobby takes your idle-mind off your anxiety, and helps you to refocus away from obsessive thoughts. Creative expression is good therapy.
It frees the spirit. Puts the brain into high gear. All you think about is her, and loneliness. You are only a friend.
You're not ready for anything more than that anyway.
As for a job? Hard work keeps your mind and body busy. It allows you to earn money for freedom and independence. Travel.
Try photography as a simple hobby. Observe nature and capture what you see in still-life. Use your solitude for creative focus. You live in your head, so you may as well use your eyes to find beauty; and interpret what you see through the lens through the art of photography. India is so beautiful and exotic. Create a scrapbook of it's extraordinary beauty. Even the simplest things. In time,
thoughts about her will slowly subside.
Accumulating friends happens just being around people sharing a common-interest. Allowing yourself to be accessible and approachable. Sharing a conversation about something you know and have a passion for. It makes you more interesting to people. It shapes character and personality. It's not attraction to her as much as neediness.
You seem a bit aimless and too needy for people to comfort you. You are detached, because you don't focus your energy.
Maybe that is a symptom of something that needs treatment.
Do not allow your "loneliness" to demand friendship, let it come to you willingly.
You must read all the written material you can, about making friends. You can't own people and expect them always at your beck and call, to baby you. Being over-dependent and clingy, repels people away from you. They really feel uneasy when you are always complaining how sad and lonely you are. It not only depresses you, it depresses everyone around you. I think you may have written here several times before. The same problem.
Volunteering your time to "help" people in need by joining a charitable organization will take your mind off your own troubles, and you can find something more rewarding than feeling sorry for yourself. When people don't come to you, you go to people with something good to offer.
Leave the girl alone for just a little while. You have too many problems that you need to work on. You're not attracted to her, you're desperately lonely. That is annoying and scary to most people. She wants to be kind; but you have no friends, so you will demand far too much from her. That will make her uncomfortable, and she will avoid you. Seek professional-counseling or therapy first.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (15 August 2014): There was a time where I had no friends so I know exactly what that feels like, and it was during High School so it made it so much worse. My whole childhood I bottled every single thing up because no one ever took the time to listen to me. I never trusted anyone. Then I met a girl who listened to me even though she didn't know me at all. I started liking her not only because of that but because I got to know her and she is the most amazing person I've ever met. At one point she had a boyfriend but she doesn't anymore. I enjoy talking to her more than anyone else but I have my life just like she has hers so I leave her be. We talk but I don't spend every moment trying to contact her. I wouldn't like it if someone did that to me either.I don't think you truly like this girl as much as you like the fact that she took an interest in you when no one else did. Because she did, you're getting way too attached which could end up pushing her further away from you.Making friends is hard because it's hard to find people that accept you for you but to make friends you have to be confident in who you are. You can't try to be something you are not. It's always better to have a few true friends than a bunch of fake ones. I never changed who I am or how i act. I just found people who had similar interests and we have been friends for almost 10 years.
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