A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Hi everyone, I’ve had something very strange happen to me and I’m hoping someone can help me work out what to do about it.I’ve been crushing on a man for about 18 months now. He’s physically not my usual type, but the minute I met him I had a really strong attraction to him which is something I’ve never experienced before (that feeling of wanting to rip someone’s clothes off). Furthermore, the more I got to know him I realised he is a lovely person too. We are like two sides of the same coin and have very similar outlooks, interests and opinions. However, we were working together at first so I never acted on it as I didn’t want to get involved with the workplace drama.Fast forward to 3 months ago, and he left our workplace and immediately asked me for a drink now he was free to do so. Obviously I was delighted that he seemed to share my feelings, and we’ve been on about 6 dates since. The first 4 dates were amazing and the sexual tension was palpable. As was the conversation and I really felt I could be starting to fall for this guy. Then the fifth date arrived and for no reason at all, I felt like all of my attraction had just gone. I feel terrible writing this but it was like I couldn’t work out why I’d been attracted to him at all before. The fact he’s not my usual type (again I feel so bad about this but he is slightly chubby and losing his hair which is the opposite of men I’ve been attracted to before) seemed to become a lot more obvious. I obviously didn’t say that to him and I’ve been on another date since, which was fun and lovely, but just not the same.He’s still the same lovely person he was and we get on so well, but the sizzling attraction has just gone and I can’t work out why. So my question is, how to I get it back?! Has this ever happened to anyone before? I really like this man and I’m gutted that my feelings seem to have evaporated like this, especially since I usually struggle to feel sexually attracted to people at all (I get horny a LOT but can’t seem to transfer that over to wanting to have sex. I think because I’ve had a lot of bad sex where the man just hammered away and got offended if I said I wasn’t getting much out of it). I’ve read about a phenomenon called ‘sudden repulsion syndrome’ which seems to sum up what happened apart from the fact there wasn’t a trigger for it. He didn’t do or say anything to make me change my mind about him, rather it just blindsided me.One theory I’ve had is that it’s too easy with him (in a good way). I’m used to men blowing hot and cold and he doesn’t, so I’m worried that is either scaring me off or (in a messed up way) making me think he’s not valuable because I don’t have to chase him? Which is obviously my issue but is it possible to overcome all of this?Or is it that he was safe to crush on while I couldn’t have him and now I’m realising he’s not for me? My plan is to keep dating him and not make any rash decisions in case this is just a blip, but I’m starting to think I might be a lot more messed up than I ever realised so any help will be much appreciated!
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (18 April 2019): The tables are turning. Sup it up girl ;)
Usually this is what happens to men, they get all wanton and stalkish and then pooffff, Gawn! Nada! No more sizzling passions... Funny! Look at King Solomon, he had 700 wives and 300 concubines, now there's a man who was never satisfied!
So it went away for you too, no wonders just put it down to experience. The lust demon has flown the nest and now you get to be yourself. Goodbye lust, Hello Love!?
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (8 April 2019): You felt that way in the moment and he served a purpose for you at that time. But that moment has now passed. And no, you can't get it back. Things are different. You are different. I had the same situation. I kept dating him because he was a good guy and I felt that instant chemistry. He treated me well. I married him. But that chemistry had left early on. I had hoped him being a good guy was enough. No, it wasn't.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (7 April 2019): Obviously we can't know why the sudden change of heart on your part, my advice is have a temporary separation,if the feeling doesn't come back then it is over and no need to waste your and his time on an affair that is not going any where.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (7 April 2019): Sweetheart, you answered your own questions in the last three paragraphs of your post!
For a brief moment, you had a sudden true attraction for "the man." Which was evidently based on something other than his looks. Then you followed-up on that attraction by agreeing to date him, and getting to know him. Good show!
Lo and behold! Then comes your sudden realization that he's not your usual "type;" and your conceit begins to surface. You started to evaluate him through your egotism; and need to present a handsome-image for all to see. Thus the "sudden repulsion syndrome."
Girlfriend, your ego got in the way!!! Your need to please the crowd with your latest conquest; and the need to appeal to your own vanity to say you can get a "hot one" all bubbled to the surface. He isn't anything to brag about looks-wise; and you feared no one would press the "LIKE" icon on your social media posts. He didn't fit the "image!"
It's not settling when he has the heart, solid character, confidence, and great personality to back it all up! It's settling when you put-up with a jackass; because he's hot enough to boink, but good for nothing else.
You caught yourself off-guard; because you made a successful attempt at stepping outside your superficial-self. Momentarily, you could see this man through a different set of eyes. Unfortunately, your conceit came-back and ruined it for you.
You're used to dating men who are a tribute to your vanity.
The sparkling representation of the hottest couple in the room! Then the visual popped in your head of his thinning hair and pot-belly. "RECORD SCRATCH SOUND-EFFECT!!!"
Your "type" is great for your image. Their looking-good makes you look good. You feel good about yourself; maybe because you equate getting a pretty-man makes you pretty too. It validates your self-esteem. Thereby reinforcing your belief hot people should only date other hot people. Never-mind that sex-appeal and great personality doesn't always look like an actor or male model. Hot people don't corner the market on sex-appeal or date-ability.
If you can get your ego out of the way, cut the superficial nonsense, and realize you may be missing the best opportunity of your lifetime; you might recover. They (hotties) just look better on the surface. I ain't knockin' the hotties, I'm stating the facts! I got me one, but that was purely coincidental. We're going to get old someday. We're going to change; and I'm not going to let that affect my feelings about my guy! Nature has been good to me thus far, but time is a bitch! I can't stop time or the aging process.
Your emotions are supposed to go back and forth. That's your sense of logic, subconscious-mind, and common-sense reminding you to pump the brakes! Step-back for one moment and reassess or reexamine what we've got here before us. I can relate to that. Suddenly being repulsed, as you put it; I don't relate to that at all. Maybe you were having a horny episode way-back when; and his pheromones simply overwhelmed you. Yet you went on all those dates, and had a wonderful time! You let down your guard and went beneath the surface.
If you can't get your "grove" back regarding this fellow; I recommend that you not treat him like your lab rat. He's not a subject for your emotional experiments, or just to scratch your itch. It might be best to end it now.
Don't lead him on. There is no rule or law that says you must have a relationship with him. This is all exploratory and a healthy experience that is teaching you to give different types of men a chance. Don't allow your vanity to restrict you to "types!" None of whom have thus far captivated your heart and made you his woman.
You may never get back that initial feeling; because it may have all been just below the belt. Please don't mess with that lovely man. If you like what's inside, but can't deal with the outside; he's not the man for you. He doesn't need you to come along and make him feel bad about himself. You're not the only woman he can have that effect on!
It's not like taking bitter medicine or drinking scotch. You don't try to tolerate or develop a taste for him. He's a human being.
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