A
female
age
51-59,
*lueRose32
writes:I think I am losing my mind or on the verge of a mid life crisis. Here's my story:Married 15 years with 2 kids. Years ago, we fault ALOT. Probably a lot of the issues from way back then were never fully resolved, we just learned to ignore most of them. We have laughed for years that Zoloft saved our marriage. He's still on Zoloft and I'm on Wellbutrin. However, I feel we are both so complacently medicated that we don't argue (or address) the real issues. I work full time with good paying, somewhat stressful job. He is a Stay at Home Dad. He has always had some issues with being embarrased by this. I've spent years building him up and praising him for doing so much to take care of the family so I can have my career. But he has gotten where he does less and less around the house. I've suggested he go back to work. WIth the economy, etc there's not a lot of better jobs to choose from and to be honest, his ego won't allow him to accept just anything. I think working part time at Home Depot would be great, but 'retail is beneath him'. We don't have to have the money, but a little extra would be nice. Plus I thought he needed to get out and be around people more. Now he spends most of morning at gym and who knows what for the rest of the day. We have very little physical contact.. we are roommates. He doesn't want to do anything with just me.. and I have to beg him to go places with me and kids. He doesn't play golf, hunt, go out with friends, etc. He goes to gym and does chores around house, yard, etc. I have suspected for a long while he is having affair, but just let it be because I didn't really want to know. I think the medicine, plus being busy with job and kids made me just not want to deal with it. Christmas was very sad and depressing, he made so little effort towards me, I finally said to myself.. he just doesn't love me anymore. We are together for kids and maybe I am just his meal ticket and being taken for a ride. A month ago I made appointment with new chiropractor to deal with stress and tension. I know I am vulnerable right now, but this guy and I clicked. I have never cheated, or even been tempted.. but I am at a crossroads. I think I'm probably just infatuated, but what has happened is that I am facing the fact that I am very unhappy in my marriage and I want changes. The worst part is my kids; they will be upset obviously. The reality is that we already function as single parents. They are either with him or with me.. never both together. Financially.. no issue.. other than he needs to get a job and I'll probably still pay spousal support, and actually I'd be ok with that for a while. But I'm 42. I crave a real marriage. I'm lonely. I don't want to waste 10 more years being alone. I'm scared to give up what companionship I have with him (which is more of a friendship, roomate situation) in order to be single and take a chance at finding something more. I'm weaning off the Wellbutrin because I want to find my true emotions. I'm exercising and trying to take care of ME. Am I going crazy and starting a mid-life crisis or just starting to come out a face reality?
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male
reader, C. Grant  +, writes (3 February 2011):
 I don't think you've having a mid-life crisis. You're unhappy and have been so for some time. And it doesn't sound like he's hearing you.
You are not unreasonable for wanting more from your life. Marriage isn't supposed to be a jail sentence, it's supposed to be a growing, living product of two people working together at their lives. Maybe he's not living up to his part of the bargain. You don't owe it to him to be his "meal ticket" for the rest of his life. You do owe it to him to give fair warning about how genuinely dissatisfied you are in the relationship and that you're seriously considering moving on. If he genuinely understands that you may leave him, and still does nothing to improve the relationship from his end? At that point it's not unreasonable to think of yourself first.
A
female
reader, BlueRose32 +, writes (3 February 2011):
BlueRose32 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHe never was on track for a career. He quit college because he had a decent paying job and his family never encouraged or supported him to pursue a degree. Most of our friends finished college and have developed good careers. He had a pretty good job in another city and then we moved to our current city for me to take a new position in 2001. He tried outside sales, but then 9/11 hit and he didn't fair too well in sales. Much too introverted and we learned how to live on just my salary. He now always has an excuse of why he can't go get a job. "Whose going to take care of everything?" "Are you going to do more to help?" etc. I'm to the point that I can hire a yard guy and someone to clean the house. He is my roommate. There is no intimacy, no desire. I just don't know if I have the strength to put my family through the pain of splitting up. The alternative is to continue to go through my life numb and unhappy on the inside.
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A
male
reader, C. Grant +, writes (3 February 2011):
You’re 42, so you married at 27; you haven’t said his age is particularly different, so he’s 42 ish as well. What was he doing back then? Was he on track to a career? How did he end up being a homemaker? Did you guys come to a considered decision that he would stay at home with the kids while you would go off and maximize your career?
He has issues with being a stay-at-home. I don’t doubt it. It’s a punishingly difficult life, even when you’re doing what society expects. My mother tried and failed dismally in the 1950s even though she was doing exactly what society expected. Your husband has faced a far tougher challenge since “society” generally doesn’t value parenting – society will grudgingly give a ‘by’ for a stay-at-home mom, but gives zero respect for a stay-at-home dad. His only hope for genuine validation is from the children he’s raised. You trying to thank him is probably about as validating as what my mother got from my father in the 50s and 60s – maybe sincere, but not something that reached his soul.
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