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female
age
,
anonymous
writes: For over 2 years I have been involved with a divorced man my age. We had met a year before that but I was still in a very troubled marriage (5 years, no children)so all we did was talk, like pals, and then I didn't see him again. I had no other interest in this man, and would never have considered an affair while married, although I could tell he liked me. About the time my husband and I separated definitively, this man and I met again by sheer coincidence. We grew closer and although I felt it was too soon for me, we were both very lonely and he was extremely persuasive. We began a very passionate affair. It was the first real warmth and harmony I had known in many years, and it wasn't long before I was totally in love with him. The feeling was definitely mutual.This man lives and works in another European country where I have a second home. He works both at sea and on land and is what I would call a "workaholic" and very success-oriented. He also has a lot of family responsibilities (college-age children). I too have had a very successful career but have slowed down in the last several years as the stress was not worth it to me.His contact with me was about one call or message a week during the first year. I always wanted more, but held myself back so as to keep a balance. Whenever we saw each other our relationship was very harmonious and sexually extremely compatible. Several times I asked for more contact and communication during the times we were apart (and the separations have been really difficult for me)and while he constantly reassured me, he would act stressed at this. And his calls began coming just a little further apart. After an absolutely wonderful time together, he would leave and I wouldn't hear from him for weeks at a time - usually until I finally gave up and called him myself. The wondering and the waiting was killing me. And he was always, without exception, as sweet and loving as always. It made me wonder why I didn't just take the initiative all the time, but doing that too much just made me uncomfortable. Often I thought about distancing myself even more, but the geographical distance was enough in itself. Besides, I thought (and he indicated) things would be much better once he had fewer demands in his job, and also once I had my divorce. "My love, we have time" is something I heard frequently. For legal reasons it took me 2 years to get my divorce. (My ex had moved away immediately and we never spoke again.) As soon as it was final my boyfriend and I spent some time together, but he was so busy that even this was very short. I then asked him, now that I was legally free, what he wanted to happen with us. It's not that I want to rush into another marriage. But I definitely wanted to explore all the possibilities of this relationship. As he, far more than I, was the one who was always saying he wanted nothing more than to be with me all the time, I suggested we start spending some more structured time together. But then he said he needed to "clear his brain" and that "conditions" weren't right for that yet. But they definitely would be.For my part I couldn't quite bring myself to tell him to let me know when that happens, and until then, no more phoning and no more waiting. Instead he was overjoyed when I told him that I'd be fine with initiating more frequent contact.Well, after a few times, I couldn't bring myself to do it. It just felt so out of balance, and I told him so. So between Thanksgiving and Christmas I didn't call him at all. At Thanksgiving I had asked him what he was doing over the Christmas and New Year holidays and he said "working" (in his profession, the holidays are the busiest time). So I didn't even suggest inviting myself to visit. I simply said, let me know, otherwise I have to make other plans. But the entire time I was in terrible pain.I didn't hear from him until Christmas morning, when he sent me a completely neutral text message, unlike anything he had sent me before, let alone previous Christmases. It was the kind of message one sends a colleague. I called him and was quite upset. He said he was busier than ever, nothing had changed..what was the matter, why was I upset, why was I making him unhappy? He categorically denied that he was pushing me away. He kept saying that he loved me, and that I was his real wife, but I had to say I was having a very hard time believing it, because his words and actions were so at odds with each other.A few days later I couldn't reach him on the phone, so on New Year's Eve sent him a very loving text message.New Year's Eve is the one day he had never neglected to text or phone. But this time there was not one single word from him. I was so hurt that I have not spoken with him since. My heart feels shattered. I feel that was the nastiest, pettiest thing he could have done, especially after he heard how hurt I was by his cold Christmas message. I feel he added insult to injury, and that is not worthy of any kind of response. Needless to say, he has not contacted me either. It has been nearly 2 weeks now. I would gladly be the first one to break the silence, but feel it would just make everything even worse. Maybe I offended him somehow, and that was the last thing I would ever want to do. In all these years he has never said one unkind word to me, we never argued, we laughed together, talked like the best of friends and loved each other with incredible intensity. But when we're apart it's as if I don't exist. I feel he completely disregarded my feelings too. Far too often I have felt that what he calls love is really convenient sex whenever I make it possible. That is never what I have been looking for, and he has known it since the first day we met. What do I do now?
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reader, anonymous, writes (12 January 2007): Honey, I hear your pain but alas, it is time for you to move on. The man you are in love with is emotionally unavailable. He may, in his own way love you but he is incapable of loving you the way you desire and deserve to be loved. You have invested a great deal of time and emotional effort in this relationship so I know it will be difficult for you, but given the sparse amount of time you actually get to spend with him, you may find it surprisingly easy to let him go. Believe me, you will be opening the possibility for a relationship with a man who truly wants to be there for you. I wish you the best.
A
female
reader, Juliette  +, writes (12 January 2007):
 He said "You are my real wife". To me that implies he has an 'unreal' wife. I suspect his divorce was a lie or he has found someone else who he maybe spending his free time with and he didn't know how to let you down. Hard as it sounds, you are better off without him and contacting him now may only lead to more heartache. Perhaps you should try going where you have a chance to meet someone new, or pass your time with friends whilst you heal from this one-sided relationship?
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (12 January 2007): go visit him .see for your self how much he works , i cant beleave that work is the only thing keeping this relationship apart, you say you have a home there visit. dont let him know your there ,is he that much in dept to work so much?
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