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female
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anonymous
writes: I live with my partner who I met 5 years ago and we have a young son. My partner has a 10 year old daughter from a previous relationship who I accept and love and comes to stay every other weekend and in school hols. We have a good relationship and I get along with her mother when we speak on telephone and she drops her off or I pick her up. But this is not enough for my partner.I have a real problem with my partner who always spends long periods of time with his daughters mother. (I assume whilst in the company any of his daughter). He goes to her house for parties, has even stayed over a number of times, and he takes my son over to his sisters house to play, he spends all xmas morning there every year. Every opportunity he gets he is there, regardless of my feelings. He has even once suggested we all go on holiday together he even wants his ex to look after my son so we can go out more. I know I sound jealous but I am I can not help this I find it all really hard and strange that he is so keen to play happy families elsewhere. Obviously I know that is trying to have a good relationship with his daughter, which he does and he is a very good father. But it is never enough. His ex girlfriend even had offered him tickets to a 3 day camping festival in the summer for the weekend where she was going which he accepted, but I went mad so it did not end up happening. He was mad that he did not get the opportunity to spend time with his daughter. It felt wrong to me as we haven’t even been away ourselves with our son since he was born.He is really angry at me always for getting upset. And says I have to sort this problem out But where do you draw the line I find it uncomfortable when he spends long periods of time at his daughters house. I know we all have to get along for the childrens sake. But I cant control my feelings is this normal, because they all seem to think I have a problem. His ex has said you got to understand he has a family elsewhere to. Which I don’t agree with I think that he has a new family and of course his daughter is a part of that. My partner and he is ex broke up 10 years ago, she has since had a new relationship and has a five year old son in that relationship but that is now over to.Help me because this is destroying our relationship. I do except her I believe she will always be a past part of his life. But he wont let me forget this so. He always tells me how much he regrets leaving his daughter behind. But I can’t help that. His daughter lives five mins away so he always has quality time with her. So I cant understand why he wants to hang out there all the time.any advice
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female
reader, Sally R. Cinnamon +, writes (24 November 2006):
 Hi honey. I can only suggest that you - together with your partner - get some relationship counselling to talk through these issues. There are a lot of people involved, including children, and any quick-fixes are probably not going to be fair to someone's viewpoint and aren't going to get to the bottom of things. So as much as I wish I could help you over the internet, I think a real solution is going to need your partner spending some time listening to you. A counsellor will help. Your partner is of course right to prioritise his daughter, but it seems that he is unnecessarily hurting you along the way. His good intentions to be a decent father are perhaps clouding his judgment in how he treats you sometimes. But it may also be that sometimes you are unnecessarily jealous? It's difficult for an outsider to tell. But it does seem that everyone in your story is doing their damned bestest for the children involved and that's so good to hear - I congratulate you all on that - hopefully therefore your partner will agree to some professional help? Tell him you find it hard to deal with and want some help and need him there too. It isn't an easy situation to balance and it's not a sign of weakness to get some help once in a while. I just think that this is going to need both of you to be involved. There's nothing you can do on your own to make things better - any actions you make alone will look like you are pushing him away from his daughter and that is - I know - the last thing you want. Get help so that a third person can objectively look at the situation and make suggestions to your partner - that he might listen to a bit more! A third person can explain to him that you are not wrong to feel the way you do and that its natural. And you might find ways of dealing with the situation better. All the best to you, hon.
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