A
female
age
,
anonymous
writes:I just found out my husband has been taking Viagra. He's 63 I'm 57. What makes me upset is that he should have talked to me about it, and I have not wanted sex for years. Been together 32 years and we've been having sex twice a week for last few years. He Says he's going to continue taking it because it makes him feel like a man. To me that's a selfish answer considering sex is so uncomfortable for me. Thoughts???
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female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (3 November 2016):
 Viagra is taken for a medical condition, Botox is not. If you want to get Botox you don't need his permission you are an adult who I assume has her own money. You mention professional help and I don't think this would be a bad road for you both to take. It is clear you both love each other but somethings are getting in the way and a professional might help you both to reach a compromise and see it from each others point of view.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (2 November 2016): Viagra is a medication for treating erectile dysfunction. ED is a medical condition. Botox is taken for cosmetic reasons.
You still have the right to have injections if you feel it necessary. Again, you may consult or discuss it with your husband; but you don't require his permission. You're a grown woman, who is he to stop you?
Your husband has no idea when he may or may not be rejected for sex; but he still wants to the ability to rise to the occasion. Therefore; he wants to be ready for your sake.
Get professional counseling if you feel that may help the relationship. Unless you have a medical condition that effects your libido or sex is painful for you; then perhaps the counseling will create some form of compromise through mediation. It seems you just can't relate to your husband and you're handing him more reason to see cause for divorce. Remember you say you're both healthy and you want no sex at all.
Counseling will not necessarily fix your marriage, but hopefully it will teach you both how to effectively communicate and possibly build some trust. There is little counseling can do if you both don't see eye to eye about sex. I hope he loves you so much he's willing to do without it.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (1 November 2016): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you all for your answers. I love all the different answers to my question. Just to add a bit more about my situation: I am NOT taking this as a blow to my attractiveness whatsoever. We are both health conscious, physically active people. He has been a bodybuilder all his life and he still prides himself in keeping in great shape and so am I. He has always said he wants to grow old with me and enter our golden years gracefully. There was a few times I wanted botox for my wrinkles and he down right told me no, I don't need it and its too expensive. Isnt my botox comparable to his Viagra?? we may need to seek professional help.
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A
male
reader, dougbcoll +, writes (1 November 2016):
 it has not hurt your relationship any, has it ?
yes he could have told you, but look at it from his side maybe just maybe he wanted to not let you down in the romance area. he is taking it for you, not just for his selfish needs.
i have been taking it sense 2006, and would have when the stuff came out in 1999. i am now 56. there is nothing wrong with putting a supercharger on a good running engine to make it run better.
you maybe the one who is being selfish, not thinking of his needs and both of your needs in your marriage. all you are doing is hurting him with attitude toward him! while he is trying to improve things for you. so he will feel like a man, and you want be disappointed.
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reader, anonymous, writes (31 October 2016): Viagra is for erectile dysfunction. The consensus among far too many men is; they don't like discussing ED with their sex-partners. It's a matter of male-pride. A limp member is embarrassing and emasculating. Shameful to some.
Your hubby is of the old-school, and he's in the higher percentage of men who'll avoid telling you he has ED. Even discussing it with his buddies or doctor is difficult.
Some men wouldn't even disclose if they were diagnosed with cancer. He's also too proud to beg for sex. So of course he would pout. Have you read how many women complain about porn making them feel undesirable and how that effects their self-esteem? Do women have to be constantly reminded men have feelings too? Even if society and macho stereotypes force us to hide them?
How do you think it makes him feel you don't desire him anymore? It's not always about how women feel you know?
One of the greatest fears of many healthy and intelligent men; is losing his option to perform sexually and being unable to maintain a full erection to please his partner. That isn't something really up for round-table discussion. Even if you don't have sex with your partner, it is still a disheartening part of growing older.
If you think allowing him to suffer with his ED instead lessens the chances he'll desire sex from you, that would be a very cruel mind-set. The desire is still there, only sexual-performance is inhibited. Lest that be your preference? That would be very sad, indeed! I could see where that would force him to circumvent your opinion. He wishes to remain fully-functional. That's to your benefit, if you ask me. It would not be fair to presume it's for affairs with other women; but he may be contemplating his options regarding your marriage. Many men would.
You did mention you still have sex, although you don't want to have it. If you're not open-minded about sex, why should he discuss his erectile-dysfunction with you? He doesn't need your permission or approval. It's a personal decision; like using birth-control, or getting a voluntary hysterectomy. It may be discussed, but the final decision comes down to the person affected.
If I had to judge by the tone of your post; it wouldn't seem you are a person easily open to discussion. You simply want to know, only to voice your opposition. That's not communication, my dear. Nor is it remotely in the realm of compromise.
What is he to do if he wishes to feel able to still feel like a man; even if he doesn't have the option of sex?
Think deep and hard. I hope your marriage does allow for free discussion and compromise. If it doesn't, he may consider a divorce on short-notice. That is the usual outcome of sexless in-affectionate marriages. Sorry to report.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (31 October 2016):
 Go see your doctor. Fist and foremost.
If you are DONE having sex WHATSOEVER, you need to consider that HE is not. So what is the alternative here? Leave him? Let him have a lover on the side?
What is YOUR offer on a compromise?
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (31 October 2016): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionWhen I tell him "no" he gives me the silent treatment for days. He says it's like pulling teeth to have sex with me even though we do it twice a week.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (31 October 2016): I basically think he should be communicating with you and finding a compromise that you both can accept. If he isn't trying to meet you halfway then he is wrong. (And vice versa)But at the same time you should be aware that Viagra does not work by increasing a man's mental desire for sex. Its primarily a physical help for his body. If he wants sex with the drug then he probably always wanted sex before it too. He just couldn't act on it as well before the drug. If the drug appears to be increasing his mental sex drive then its probably just his old drive being able to show itself again without fear of failure. Many women take it as a blow to their attractiveness when their man needs ED drugs. They might feel better if they had a better understanding of how the drugs work. If their man was not attracted to them without the drugs then he wouldn't be attracted to them with the drugs.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (31 October 2016): If you find it painful you probably need to see your doctor and get an oestrogen cream. It's usually painful after menopause without that. He's not selfish. He still wants sex and the viagra helps him get an wrcetion to have sex. You are the one who has changed as you are the one that no longer wants it. Maybe you are the selfish one
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A
male
reader, N91  +, writes (31 October 2016):
 Sounds like you guys are no longer sexually compatible which can be a deal breaker. I think you both need to have a serious conversation about your options as you shouldn't have to have unwanted sex, but he also shouldn't have to request it. Communicate and see if you can compromise.
As honeypie said some males feel very emasculated when they can't get it up. I know lots of people even at my age of 25 where they need to use viagra and worry about it more than they should do.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (31 October 2016):
You know, you CAN tell him NO when it comes to sex, right?
And maybe you SHOULD consider going to see your doctor if sex is painful and BRING your husband to the appointment so he can HEAR and hopefully understand that there is a REASON you are done with sex because it hurts!
It seems like you two are NOT on the same page here and that isn't good. You two need to find a compromise. You shouldn't HAVE to force yourself to have sex if you don't want to. He shouldn't HAVE to totally give it up either, should he?
And there is more to being a man than getting a erection, but for some men IT IS a big and important part.
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