A
female
age
,
anonymous
writes:I hope people don't find this too personal a question but here goes. Recently I have had sex with my fiance and unfortunately I have started spotting. He has pure white sheets and I sat on a towel but two very tiny smudges got on his white duvet. I told him I could sponge it off but his reaction was along the lines of it being dirty and him wanting the duvet off the bed asap. I told him his reaction had hurt me and made me feel dirty over something which can happen and is quite natural. He told me that if I didn't mind he would rather sleep under a clean duvet and that he didn't really like this kind of thing and was unlikely to change now. I have had a few previous lovers and not one of them was at all bothered by this kind of thing. If the duvet had been stained I would have totally understood but we are talking about two miniscule stains. I am left with the feeling of him thinking of me as dirty or that my blood is viewed as being dirty in some way. I know the otherway round I would not have been bothered at all or I would have said that it didn't matter and if I had been upset by it changed it after I had left. Any similar experiences or views on this subject please....
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (9 June 2009): I think that he is an asshole. He is totally unsympathetic, and clearly knows nothing about the female anatomy, and probably makes him bad in bed! You can do better. You're not dirty! And you didn't do it on purpose. And in all fairness, you warned him, and he insisted on having period sex.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (1 June 2009): this guys obsessive neatness behaviour will not change. EVER. either you adapt to his cleanliness routine or run from him. fast. i actaully feel sorry for your kids when they start living with him. (i hope my assumption is not wrong). you should know having kids and them "messing" up comes with them being, kids. how will he react to them. will he also emotionally abuse them with his perfectionist ways. Just asking............
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (1 June 2009): he likes his duvet more than he likes you. either you accept this OR you 'talk to him' and re-set his expectations. it's my opinion only (not his) but a duvet is just a possession - not somebody or thing you should love.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (29 May 2009): Wow considering the differences you two have and trying to merge your two lives, are you sure you want to marry this guy? Doesn't sound like he is going to adjust to your kids or your "messiness".
He does sound obsessive/compulsive, there is medication for that!
Anyway, I hope things get better for you.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (29 May 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you all for your time and views. He is obsessively neat and the whole house is white. He has children who do not live with him and he gets very cross if anything is messed up or not folded and put away correctly. A true neat freak. Old Guys comments were spot on - he has lived on his own for a long time and he is very set in his ways. My children live with me and it is much messier and full of pets and stains! This is actually the second time that this has happened with this chap and both times he has freaked so I am going to have to be much more careful, sleeping on a dark blue towel etc or just point out to him that there is a possibility of things being messy so to keep away. He is also the same about vomit or any form of illness, sickness which is just not realistice if you have children. Thank you all again.
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A
female
reader, pebble +, writes (29 May 2009):
 Maybe he had slight obsessive compulsive disorder?
I don't know what kind of guy has pure white sheets (certainly not one who thinks he's going to get laid alot) but his extreme reaction may be a cause for concern.
What is the rest of his place like?
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (29 May 2009): He's just told you a great deal about himself. Decide whether you can live with someone like that or not. I'd have to guess that he's lived alone for quite a while and is very set in his ways.
For what it's worth, I find what he did unimaginably rude. Couldn't begin to live with someone like that. Mind you I've still got a houseful of kids. ;)
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (28 May 2009): I had things the other way round with my bf early on in our relationship... he wanted to try having sex on my period and I got a little blood on his bedsheet and he didn't care much at all, but I was completely grossed out by it and said we needed to wash it immediately. He thought I was overreacting.
Basically, I think some people are just quirky about that sort of thing. Try not to take it personally...
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (28 May 2009): I have to wonder why this is an important enough issue that you felt you had to write about it here and could not decide how you feel about it.
Your fiance must have a hang up about this sort of thing, people have all kinds of pet peeves or hang ups that we don't understand as everyone is different.
Had I been in his position, I would have wanted to take the duvet off and put some cold water on it right away as blood can stain white permanently once it dries, what ever I would not have said it was dirty just needed to be attended to....so I guess I care a lot about my things....so I am weird.
If this bothered you your perception at the time was that you were being thought of as less than, or dirty or stupid or what ever emotion you were feeling at the time and you percieved his reaction as being critical and rude. The thing to do was to right then tell him how you felt to clear the air, used feeling words that you felt stupid and unclean and know he probably did not mean it that way, but that is how you took it. Saying how you felt without telling him how you percieved his reaction lets him know you understand his position whether you agree with it or not and let him hear how he hurt you because he did not feel criticized by you for his reaction.
The way you handle conflict is important, each party needs to be heard an understood without creating an argument over who is right. Seek first to understand...and then tell him how you felt.
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