A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:My boyfriend and I have been dating for a few months but it's not exactly official, his family don't know and only a couple of our close friends know, it's like a need to know basis. Recently he went on holiday back to his home town with a mutual friend of ours who knows we are a couple. This friend told me that my boyfriend was going out and spending time with a girl he knows there who he has known for longer than he has known me. I have met her before we started dating but only a couple of times. My friend told me they had gone for dinner together alone but had breakfast together with a friend and my boyfriends sister. He also told me they went out drinking together with his sister and 4 other friends.According to our friend, my boyfriend has been very affectionate with this other girl in front of the group, doing things such as hugging her, putting his arms around her, touching her hair and face and holding her hand, resting his head against hers or on her shoulder, even paying for her meals and drinks. I don't know how to bring it up with him in conversation to ask him about her because he doesn't ever bring her up in conversation himself, only if I ask about her. They talk fairly often via Facebook and he is always using Snapchat to communicate with her as well. This is just all I know of what they do in front of other people, I don't know what they do alone together. I am worried that there may be something between them that I don't know about. I don't mind if he has female friends but I don't know if it's appropriate for him to be so affectionate with another girl, but I am wondering if he isn't as into me as I had hoped and the one in his heart is actually the girl back home. It makes me jealous that he is so public with her when I am the one with him, but he doesn't act that way with me in front of people especially not his sister who the girl is also good friends with, another thing that makes me jealous because they consider each other as sisters. I don't know for certain he's cheating on me, but I am suspicious. Basically, I think he is just using me for intimacy and I don't know how to confront him about the whole situation. Maybe I'm just being unreasonable? Any advice would be appreciated, thank you.
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female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (19 October 2017):
 You need to talk to him. From what you have wrote it sounds like he is using you. If he cared about you he would not hide you away he would want to show you off to the world. The way he is behaving with the other girl is hurtful and disrespectful to you, never allow a guy to treat you like that. You say you are not official so to me that sounds like in his eyes he is single and he is keeping you at arms length. If you feel he is using you for sex then he probably is am afraid.
A
male
reader, N91  +, writes (18 October 2017):
 I don't think there's a way to pussyfoot around this one.
I'd call him straight out, tell him what you know and then wish him well. This guy is keeping you a secret whilst showing someone else off. It wouldn't surprise me if he's calling this other woman his girlfriend too.
I'd run from this one and not look back.
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A
female
reader, 02DuszJ +, writes (18 October 2017):
 I completely agree with Wiseowl- in public he's got her on his arm, not you- which is disrespectful, considering he's calling you his girlfriend.
It's a big deal that your friend noticed- if it's subtle or platonic she wouldn't have picked up on it herself! It concerned her enough to mention it to you..
They may not be having a full blown affair but he's not giving you the respect of honesty and definitely not letting on something. So why give him the benefit of the doubt- he doesn't deserve it.
I hate to say it but his affections to her do NOT sound in any way platonic. Stroking her hair etc. just no. My boyfriend has a female best friend, he' every close with but you take one look at them and you know PLATONIC.. like when you see a couple on the train, you can tell instinctively from body language if they're lovers.
So please write this one off- you've had a lucky escape.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (18 October 2017): He's clearly fond of the girl from his hometown, but if they're not together despite both being single, I think it's a non-issue. The immediate goal is to make sure that you're on the same page. If you suspect that he's using you for intimacy, withhold it, see what happens next and decide from there.
M
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A
female
reader, Anonymous 123  +, writes (18 October 2017):
 Sweetie if you feel that something is wrong then it probably is. And the sooner you sort this out the better it is...although I honestly don't know how on earth he's going to convince you. Let's say you ask him what's going on and he swears that they're just friends, will you believe him? And more importantly, CAN you believe him? If he says that there's absolutely no hanky panky going on then why did your friend see what he did?
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (18 October 2017): Sorry honey but been there and done that. When a man wants you be sure you will know without a doubt and you will not be a secret.
Easier said than done but it is time to move on and see other people. If you FEEL he is using you for sex then he is.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (18 October 2017): Before you invest anymore of your feelings into this guy; you had better find-out what's going on between him and this girl. I think you're either naive, or in total denial.
Be direct. Why is he being public with her and secretive about you? Because he doesn't want her to know about you! I think you're the girl on the side.
I don't think the friend stands to gain anything by telling you the facts. I think the fact you haven't been presented to these other people is because he doesn't want her or anyone else to know about you.
You have be given an awful lot of detail about how he's behaving with this other girl; yet you're the one who's being kept a secret. It's unofficial, because it isn't going to happen. If you've been intimate, he's using you for sex.
A guy is seen publicly and shows affection for the girl he's really with. The side-chick is kept under-wraps, sweetheart!
Stop being intimate with this guy. You've heard more than enough to confirm your suspicions.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (17 October 2017): I'd talk to him about this asap. If what your friend says is true, it sounds like she's more than just a friend.
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A
male
reader, VitaminZ  +, writes (17 October 2017):
You're not his girlfriend. He's not your boyfriend.
If anything, your his side girl, or one of his side girls. If he was interested in you as his girlfriend, he wouldn't have that other girl by his side in front of his family.
You need to talk to him to determine the relationship. If you want him to be your boyfriend, tell him, and let him decide. If he's unsure, end it. That's just his way to keep stringing you along. Don't let him hurt you anymore. Don't be his side girl.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (17 October 2017):
 I think the sooner you bring it up, the sooner you will know where you stand.
Is it possible that they are just so chummy because they have known each other forever and she is the sister's BFF? Sure. But IF they ARE that good friends, wouldn't both the girl AND his sister know that he is dating you?
Why the need for the "need to know basis" about you two dating? To me, when people HIDE a relationship from loved ones, they do it for a reason. And that reason is rarely a good one.
I wouldn't start out by accusing him of using you for intimacy or cheating on you/her - but I would bring up what your mutual friend said. How it makes you feel he is hiding YOUR relationship from his sister and family and it makes you think you two might not have a future.
Personally? It's still early in the relationship so I would get this out of the way ASAP. It is nagging you and you want to know.
I have been quiet to everyone the first couple of months dating someone, but once exclusivity, a relationship, and sex were in the picture they were introduced AS a partner to friends and family. The ONE time I didn't do it (my ex-BF didn't either) was because the whole relationship was odd and full of red flags that I stupidly ignored. It was a GOOD indication though, that things were not on the up and up.
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A
female
reader, janniepeg +, writes (17 October 2017):
 It's not hard to broach the topic as it is to lose him right now. It's as basic as saying you hear what your mutual friend said. Maybe that other girl is the reason why you are not official. Don't be afraid to bring this up because you are still deciding whether you want to go further with him. So there's no accusing or anything since he's free to do whatever until it's official. Just say you are not sure about him and there's no reason to see each other again. For me, it's not appropriate to be seeing someone when you still fancy someone else.
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