A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I have a bf of 2 years. He asked me to help him to buy an iPhone 6 months ago with my credit card. I did and he's making the minimum payments every month since I know he had a job but was looking for another with better pay. He got the second job so he's making more income. Today when I came home I saw him with the laptop making some online payments and he told me that he paid off his two credit cards , the first one he paid $490.00 and the second one he paid $1000.00. Then after he said I am happy I feel I am rich. I told him, not you are not, you are still paying the iPhone that you bought with my credit card, remember? He didn't say anything after that and he changed the subject.. I am kind of dissapointed: 1) to see how he could pay off his credit cards knowing that he used this mine first. 2) if I am in that situation I will pay first the credit card that is not in my name but I used to buy something for me... 3) do I am overreacting if I think he is selfish and is thinking only in himself? 4) should I tell him what I expected? Thanks for any advice. Reply to this Question
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male
reader, eddie85 +, writes (8 January 2016):
 I have a feeling that your boyfriend conveniently forgot about owing you money -- or would assume that since you are together that you wouldn't hold him responsible for the debt.
Then again, I could be completely wrong.
I think the next month or so will be telling for you and your relationship:
1) If he pays you back ... then good... all is well.
2) If he doesn't pay you back or keeps neglecting to pay you back, then I think that speaks volumes about his fiscal responsibility and sense of duty / fair play. You can always tell a person's character by their word and paying back a debt is a major characteristic of someone's core values.
While you are in this transition period it may be time to take a look at your boyfriend's money management skills. While no one likes to think marriage is about money -- it really is. You are technically forming a business contract / company and his debt obligations obtained during the marriage will be YOURS by law (and vica versa). Money issues are one of the primary reasons why marriages fail. Be sure that you are common ground with one another and your expectations are met.
This may be a good thing that has happened for you because you are better off finding out about his character today, rather than 5 years down the road when you have kids, house, a 5-digit credit card debt and money woes.
Eddie
A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (7 January 2016):
 I don't think he is selfish in wanting to pay off his credit-card bills and feeling proud that he did... BUT I do think if he CAN'T afford a iPhone himself.. well then he shouldn't have gotten one. You can buy decent Galaxy for under $20 at Dollar General to hold him over till he COULD afford the iPhone. No one NEEDS an iPhone.
Now I understand that you feel he should have paid YOU (his partner) first, but my guess is he paid off the older debts first to fix his credit rating, where as what he OWES you doesn't make any difference on his credit rating as the purchase is made in YOUR name not his.
In the future, don't buy him stuff (unless it's a gift/present) if he himself CAN NOT afford it.
And maybe consider NOT having/using credit cards at all.
We have a credit card we can "load" to use for online purchases, but no other credit cards. So we don't buy stuff we can't afford. Quite simple. I do know that some people will get a credit card to fix/build their credit rating and that is not a bad idea, UNLESS they buy stuff they really can't afford, because THAT is not helping their credit rating one bit.
Now you know.. YOUR finances is lower on his list of debts and priorities - so don't loan him money in the future.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (7 January 2016): Here's the thing. For me the major red flag would be buying an Iphone when the person hasn't got sufficient income and has substantial debt. I would never trust anyone who lives above his means. Especially if he thinks that it is okay to borrow money from someone who loves him and pay it back at his convenience (for an Iphone for crying out loud not medication!) I know that Iphone is "nothing serious" but that's how it starts.He thinks he DESRVES it even though he did NOTHING to actually do.He should have kept his old phone or bought a cheaper one if he was "phoneless" and pay off his debt and save uo for na Iphone if for some reason he has to have it. What if he tomorrow he sees a tablette he likes or a watch that he "needs", or a jacket or a car he "deserves"?I don't know a first thing about him, but I would talk to him and explain how I feel. I would not use the words like "you are" this and that, but rather "your behaviour"... It's less personal and give shim space to see that it's not him it's the way he acts.And yes, I agree with the previous comment. Get rid of credit cards. Spend what you earn and try to put some money on the side.Think about his spending habits. But more importantly think about his and your goals in life. I see to many people around me who are slaves to stuff and shopping. They work, they spend what they earn on necessities and on things they can live without. And they are going nowhere. Do these gadgets make them content? I doubt it, because they keep buying stuff and it's never enough.And I agree with you. I would pay off the debt to a person first. No one wants to think about extreme situations. But what if you break up, will he continue to pay off his debt to you?Even if you can afford it that is not the point. His priorities are obviously different, but he shoudl have asked you if you're okay with him paying off his other debts first. At least he would shown that he thinks of you and respects you. That your opinion matters to him. Maybe if he explained you would see his point. I do not know if he was paying any daily interest on his debts, but I do know that he isn't paying any interest on the loan you gave him. Maybe that is the reason, but he should have asked you. The thing I didn't understand is when you mention online payments. Was he paying off the debts when you came in, or was he buying something online? If it's the latter, well I would be seriously pissed off if my gf did that to me.I share an account with my wife. We talk about all the big purcheses and keep it in balance. Fortunately, we have the same attitude towards money and do not live above our means. I hope we will always be able to get by without borrowing. When we lend money to friends, we always set a reasonable deadline. It's better for all involved.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (7 January 2016):
 I can see your point... but I can see his too. Financially it makes much better sense that he gets rid of the most important, cumbersome debts, and keeps doing the smaller, easily manageable monthly payments for the other card. Moreover, if this was your initial agreement and he is sticking to it , you can't complain. Actually if you do, it sounds like you don't trust him at all and deem him quite capable to bolt, stop paying and leave you cold-assed, but if this is the case, lending him any amount of money was a bad idea to begin with.
I agree that if he had paid your card first it would have been more gentlemanly perhaps- but "gentlemanly " is not mandatory - only " correct " is, and if he keeps paying you back monthly as you had agreed, he is acting correctly. .
The truth of the matter is , that you have a part and responsibility in this situation which you are unhappy with. It's a bit like when parents spoil their children rotten, and then they complain of having bratty kids !
" Never a borrower or a lender be " is a wise principle, and of course one can and should make an exception in emergencies... a medical bill... unforeseen ,urgent home repairs.. stuff like that. But an Iphone ??? Sorry, that's a voluptuary gadget, not a necessity. Heck, he could have gone buy his gadget once he had his own cash in hand- and you could ( and should ) have told him so. You didn't, because you feel it's normal he comes to you for enlisting your help in instant gratication of his wants ( not needs ). Fine, it' s your choice, it's your money and you can do anything you want with it- but then, don't be surprised that you have a boyfriend who'll put HIS instant gratification way before your interests.
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A
male
reader, Denizen  +, writes (7 January 2016):
 He has done well to clear his credit cards and has a right to feel proud of himself. My advice would be to tear both of the credit cards up and use a debit card in future. It's easier to stay out of debt that way. Credit cards add horrendous interest as you know.
As for paying you first perhaps he should. The answer for you is never to buy things for him - particularly non-essential, expensive things like an i-Phone on your credit card. The old wisdom says neither a borrower or a lender be, and there is some good sense in that.
If he can now start paying you ASAP then I would let that be an end to the matter, but be wiser in the future.
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