A
female
age
30-35,
*itty18
writes:I honestly think my boyfriend either hates me, is embarrassed by me, or is disgusted by me.Here's our story (it's a little long, but I feel it's necessary to portray him appropriately):We met on an anime themed chat site kind of like Gaiaonline, but for cell phones. We both really love role-playing, and I had started a role-playing chat about a game series we both like. I ended up making him an admin of that group and we really didn't talk about much besides that. He had a girlfriend he'd met on the same site at the time, so nothing ever happened between us, except that he said I was cute. (by the way, she lived on the east coast and he lives in the midwest, he'd only ever visited her once, for less than a week.) He's a REALLY attractive guy. Like, model attractive. But he's also nerdy, which is amazing. :P So after being strictly "professional" friends for about 6 or 7 months, in which time he and his girlfriend broke up, he decided like 2 days before new years to tell me he'd had a crush on me for a long time and was in a flirtatious mood, so we traded phone numbers. (a side note about me, I consider myself to be the single most undesirable creature on this earth, and having his interest is like having the interest of every popular hot guy from school I ever crushed on) We ended up talking all day every day til new years, in which time we figured out that we have pretty much everything in common. New years he asked me to be his girlfriend, and of course I said yes. I was also in a relationship with someone else at the time, which my current knew about fully, no secrets there. I ended it with my ex about a week later, after being with him for 3 years on the dot. We had lost our virginity to each other, and I was pretty much his first everything.That's how hard I fell for my current in just a week and a half.After that we planned a visit. Now, I live all the way on the west coast, and again, he lives in the midwest. So it was hard planning. We talked on the phone for at least 15 hours a day that entire time. Even when we were out in public. He and I even discussed moving in together and getting married within a year. (we're both 20, he'll be 21 next month.) Eventually he bought me a plane ticket and I came out here, to his house, where I am now. Everything was AMAZING, for the first 3 days... I mean, I was shy, but I'll be honest and say we had sex the first night (he's only the second guy I've slept with) and the third night. Then his brother told him he was moving away. And on top of that his mother is moving away, leaving him with nowhere to go, and he also has to worry about starting back up in school AND getting a job.So, naturally, he's stressed.And according to him, as a result of that stress, he's withholding most affection from me.Is that normal...? D: I don't want to jump to conclusions and think he's lying just because I don't like it. And I REALLY don't want to find out he's just not interested. But he told me over the phone that normally he's an extremely affectionate person, to the point of being suffocating. And I like that, that's just me. But since the 3rd day he hasn't cuddled me or had sex with me, and I've been here for... Let's see... 3 weeks. And we're both really sexual people. And up til last night we hadn't even kissed in almost 5 days. That's one thing that leads me to believe he hates me.Another thing is that when we're in public, he doesn't hold my hand or brush up against me or anything, and that makes me think he's embarrassed of me. I'm not fishing for complements, but here's a picture of me, http://s12.photobucket.com/albums/a250/R… if it will clarify why he'd be embarrassed. I don't need people telling me if I'm ugly or pretty, it's just for reference.The last couple things kinda tie together. He's always texting his friends or posting on that site we met on, and doesn't hide anything from me. But he goes out to his guy friend's places and leaves me behind, which is why I'm writing this now, and barely answers my texts at all. The text thing and the leaving me thing both bother me immensely, but I can't say anything because I don't want to cause a problem. Also, when his brother's friends would come over, he'd go out of his room to get something, get it, then stay in the room with them and talk for 15 or so minutes, then come in with whatever he got. I just don't get why he needs so much time away from me, when he told me he doesn't believe in time apart in a relationship.So please, help me understand what's going on with him. Is it possible that it really is just stress? I've given him many opportunities to tell me if I'm the problem, and I was being perfectly reasonable and not emotional so I didn't back him into a corner.Or does he just dislike me? I'm the same person I was on the phone and in text, the only difference is that I'm here physically. Which means it must be my looks.Please help me.I really don't want people telling me I just need to dump him or something. If you think I should dump him, give me a valid reason why the relationship is harmful enough that I should end it immediately.Thank you, and sorry for the VERY long read.
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female
reader, Tigerlily +, writes (18 February 2010):
Let me see if I've got this straight.. your entire relationship with this guy has been online or one the phone? then he asks you to be his GF over New Years... having never met you... then you go out there and finally meet him, and stay in his house for over 3 weeks? You slept with him 1st night you met him, 2nd night and then he lost interest, but you are still "living" with him?
Honey I don't think your problem has anything to do with how attractive you are. You have just moved WAY too fast. Good relationships develop in person, over time. Online infatuations are tough because basically you are only getting to know a piece of this person, so naturally your imagination fills in all the blanks and that person is so wonderful. So you had your fantasy of this guy and he had his of you, and there was too much distance between you for something real to actually develop even though both of you were very happy with the fantasy.
Now you go out there and you have swung the pendulum in the other direction. There is way too much intimacy, sleeping together too soon, living with him in his house for 3 weeks. This is why he is distancing himself from you. It's just too much too fast. It just way too much pressure and he's not being affectionate or inviting you out because he's trying to get away from the pressure of this insta-relationship.
I think the best thing is for you to go home, right now. If he keeps in touch great, but just take it much slower.
A
female
reader, aquamarine  +, writes (18 February 2010):
 Darling, you clearly have no confidence in your self and men pick up on that! i havnt seen your picture, but im sure if he found you that ugly he wouldnt have had sex with you! He might be really stressed at the moment which can make a man go off sex and affection! The best thing to do is to ask him why he is being off, make sure you let him know that you know he is stressed and needs a bit of space, but tell him how hurt you feel, if he makes exscuses and doesnt improve then i think thats the call to go back home. Do something to build your confidence! you will feel much better afterwards. If he still doesnt bother with you when you go back home, im afraid it wont change!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (18 February 2010): I'm a bit confused about the situation here; are you living with him at the moment?1) yes stress can easily make someone less affectionate. It's very common and happens to everyone at some point. 2) he might be feeling a bit suffocated; I'm assuming you don't go out to work and just hang around with each other all day. I think maybe the reality of being with each other 24-7 might have hit him harder than he was expecting.3) you are probably feeling bad because you are stuck at home waiting around for him. I would be annoyed about that. But if you intend to stay with him you need to go out and make your own friends, join classes or whatever.4) I think your bf is trying to deal with having a live-in gf and I think it might not be what he was hoping for/expecting. I think it's bad that he leaves you at home but you need to come up with a solution to deal with that if you don't like it. Have you actually talked to him about it? That is probably the best way forward.I don't know what you want us to tell you....I don't think it's your looks at all, I think it's the reality of having you there with him which might have scared him off a little bit. He's gone from talking on the phone and internet to having you there all the time. This is the problem I think. You may have rushed into it all too soon.
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A
female
reader, sarcy24 +, writes (18 February 2010):
 I really feel for you because it must be very hard being in this sitaution so far from your own home and not really knowing anyone. I would say you should go home as quickly as you can. Your boyfriend may well be stressed about his family and going back to school but I don't think he is very interested in you. I don't want that to sound harsh I just think that it proves that people you meet online and what they say is often not the same as when you spend real time with them. He is making very little effort with you, there is no touching or stuff and its time for you to go. 3 weeks is long enough anyway and he probably wants his own space back. He probably cares for you but is getting irritated at you being there all the time when he has things that he wants to do or be getting on with. I really would go home asap and keep in contact and just see how you feel thinking over things back home.
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