A
female
age
51-59,
*vinna
writes:I dont know what to do.My partner and I, both professionals in our late 40's, decided to try swinging three years ago. I dont want to say I was forced into it, or that it was all his idea. I probably didnt object that much either. But then at the beginning we just watched in clubs, not really taking part just staying on the outskirts so to speak. We had hard and fast rules: no intercourse, no kissing, etc etc, but over time, and really without me noticing, bit by bit these rules were eroded away. Despite this we still talked about our problems or what we were worried about or how it affected us. Never to anything alone, not even to look at internet swinging sites alone. The point we are now at is that I have a partner who has turned into my swinging 'manager,' who still insists we still do everything together, regardless of the fact that I am often not around when 'we' organise things. So each night (not just at the weekend as we originally agreed) 'we' check out swingers sites, often answering ads as the woman of the couple. My (faceless} pics are touted about until someone bites and then 'we' arrange meets, and I am never asked if I find the man of the couple suitable. The woman of the couple invariably will be big breasted and blonde and in her 40's. I'm short, dark and flat chested...I do not think that he has gone behind my back, but I do believe that he might if I didnt go along with it. Like legal cheating. Its not cheating as long I am there and know about it.I'm here tonight because making love tonight has become the usual performance of scanning candidates on a swingers site, doing the business, then checking the site again before falling asleep, as he has here beside me right now.I dont want to be involved anymore. I am openminded, I tried it willingly, and then decided its not for me. He says he can stop anytime, but then that sounds like an addiction. I know he would have less luck without a female partner, single male swingers are treated with some distain. Swinging is a very dangerous pastime.I do love him, desperately and dont want to leave. But is it selfish of me to say I dont know who I am or who I am supposed to be anymore, or who he is thinking about. I needed an anonymous audience for this. Theres is no one else I can talk to about this. Thanks for listening.
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female
reader, Michellehere  +, writes (28 November 2017):
Hi, if you’re still on here, I’m just wondering how everything turned out with your husband?
A
male
reader, Male perspective  +, writes (29 July 2014):
It is with some reservations that I answer this question from a male prospective and from a male who is and was in the lifestyle with his wife. So far everybody seems to be demonizing the male in this scenario. Saying things that he will go behind your back and swing without you or that your marriage is doomed etc. etc. but I wonder how many of the people in this form know the male perspective on swinging. We love you. You are the center of the swinging fantasy. Whether you feel like the center or not is another thing. When you try to shut down the swinging your shutting down the fantasy that we have of you swinging. For some of us the thought and the action of senior wife with somebody else is very alluring and a erotic. And the fact of when he or you brought it up in the relationship to start the swinging did you guys not have some of the best sex of your life. The adventure of it the newness of it all of that played into your happiness for each other. You say that you weren't coursed into it but you went along with it so on some level you had to find it alluring and attractive. It is that feeling that you two had when you first started that has become the addiction for your husband. He wants that new fresh energized sexually charged you! Because like I said at the center of the swinging fantasy is you. With that perspective in mind you should not feel that he wants other people the fact that he's choosing girls are so drastically different than you tells me that he's not trying to replace you but find alternatives. When we would look for couples to hang out with I would purposely find a couple that was different than my wife. I would find a girl that I was attracted to that had some flaws that I knew I would never be wholeheartedly attracted to. I was not looking to replace my wife I was looking for the sexually charged energy that my wife and I could share together with others. I think that is very important for you to look at here he is not trying to replace you as you are his ultimate he is only looking for a different person to energize your relationship. If you're not that into it anymore he does need to know but like everything it's all in the approach of how you do this. I think you need to sit down and really look at why you're not into it anymore. I would never tell him that he tricked you into doing it or somehow forced you as that does not seem to be the case here. You both entered into it therefore you both need to take responsibility for entering into it if you try to spin it another way it will just become a fight about that and not your comfort level. I also feel that you cannot surprise him with this conversation that you were going to have. If you cannot tell him in person text him if you cannot text him the write him a letter let him know that on X day at X time you want to discuss how you feel about this extracurricular activity that you are involved in with him. This will give him time to prepare as if you spring it on him he will just get defensive and especially make sure that there is no alcohol involved before the conversation. This sounds like a very serious thing and I'm not trying to make it sound like you're going to put him under a light in a chair and interrogate him but he does need to be prepared and the conversation can still be lighthearted and fun and yet still to the point. At the start of the conversation make some ground rules for the conversation make sure to say that we will not interrupt each other we will hear each other out and make a list of the conversation. During this you will decide as a couple the pros and cons of swinging you offer the size a couple where do you want to continue or not hopefully on a mutual basis. If you continue to continue swinging please make a contract between the two of you it sounds stupid but it works a contract. This contract lays out your rules about your relationship and what is acceptable and what is not acceptable for your swinging relationship. Then both if you sign itI feel that going in your conversation with this approach in mind will be much more helpful than going into the conversation with the thoughts that are listed above. that your husband will never be able to stop and that he will only cheat on you if you try to quit. Please give us mail the benefit of the doubt that we are in it for you and that we are not and it just for the sex. The important thing here is to be frank and honest and try to keep the crying any motions to the side you're presenting fax and fax alone about how you feel he should then intern present facts about how he feels. But do be prepared for him to fight for his cause as what he is fighting for his his idea of how sexual you are when you're in these situations. And if you decide not to continue you should then try to ramp that same feeling that you both get when you go to the swinging sites and going on swinging dates in the privacy of your own home between the two of you. Because that is what is a dictate the excitement of the sexual experience and being able to share it with your best friendI hope this help put a male perspective on your conversation and not go into this with a gloom and doom our relationship is done mentality
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A
female
reader, sexystar +, writes (23 April 2012):
 Im going exactly thru the same … but the only thing i can say its "ITS OUR FAULT" we should have never agreed to this, i know some of us did it cause we were scared of saying no, some of us cause we thought it would have better the relationship, cause it would have keep our husbands interested in us, and at the same time cause we were curious may be…truth is "BAD IDEA" since i started with this almos 2 years ago, the relationship changed from having great sex just the 2 of us alone, to lousy sex when we get to have sex, is not about us (me and him) anymore, there is nothing we do is not related to swinging, is a full time job, browse online for couples, email couples, meet couples, we used to go to the movies, go to dinner, do things just the 2 of us and have fun, now i have a robot in the living room watching tv, browsing the websites and the people, and when we talk is all about that, he constantly ask me what are we going to do, we are running out of prospects, and things like that, i have said a few times i want to stop and he gets furious saying im just retaliating from something he did to me, i have told him this was supposed to enhance something that was great, but in our case there is nothing great anymore, then he makes lousy sex to me like to shut me up that we dont have sex has often but the truth is we messed up, we had a beautiful relationship and im affraid to say there is no way back…if you stop the relationship will fall apart and will end up splitting, you pay attention to this! im facing the same! if he agrees to stop, he will most likely look for his way to keep doing it behind your back, cause becomes an addiction, the only way would probably be therapy for both of you, to save ur marriage, but in my case he would never accept his addiction, this has a huge tow on me, my self esteem i feel ugly and like any roach out there is better than me, deep inside me is not like that cause i see the response from guys when we meet them but is just the way my husband makes me feel… MY ADVISE TO YOU, either you get used to it, accept this is your marriage now, or just put your foot down and stop it and see where it takes you and you handle the consecuences as you go, get counseling the 2 of you if he agrees, or just leave….IM LEAVING….I CANT DISRESPECT MYSELF LIKE THIS ANYMORE… i cant keep forcing myself for his, HIS FUN DOESNT HAVE TO BE MY SACRIFICE !!! i accept my fault which is i should have said no since the beginning…but its too late! may be is not too late for you… sincere hug to you and i wish you the best from the bottom of my heart cause i know you have spilled tears for this matter,,,and have suffered a lot, i did but im done… hope you will find the strenght :) kisses!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (9 July 2011): U have been given excellent advice but one thing that seems common is this: the females seem to be getting a raw deal here.
Seems like the scales are always in favour of the men and that you women, OP included, are being used, used for the men to get their own fantasies met.
OP slowly your self worth is being eroded but only u can make the choice and final decision to stop.
And hun, I think u have reached your threshold.
LoveGirl
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (9 July 2011): your on the road to loosing SELF because deep down your been untrue to yourself, we all do this in different ways.
You have done nothing to feel bad about but it leaves you empty. You are his passport for free sex with many women...your worth more...you all are....he is dragging you into a fantasy world.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (7 July 2011): You have no idea. I'm in exactly the same situation. I don't consider myself ugly and I look after myself. But the men god, they are always fat, loudmouthed and sweaty and are more interested in what their wives are up to. I often wonder whether they charge their wives a management fee. I wish I had some advice to give you but if I did I'd be taking it myself. Men who start to swing can never turn back and it doesn't matter what you do, you'll never be enough for him. I love my husband but this hobby of his, which he incidentally always refers to as ours, is a rot on our marriage but if I made him stop then that would be the end of us. I hope you find a solution.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (7 July 2011): I have got myself involved with a swinger. I knew all along but somehow didn't thibk it was real. We are now in love with each other but I am too scared and dont really want to swing. (The people I have seen are always lovely women and not very nice men) I to be honest, If I founf a man that was nice enough for me to sleep with I would probably end up with feelings for him. Thats the sort of person I am. This man has been in my life a year now and he did tell me right away (after 3 weeks) I tried and tried to finish it but he was relentless in in persuing me and I gave in. This has happened 4 times now over the year and its taken him no longer than a week to win me back. I have finally got rid of him. Blocked him on face book, blocked his phone calls but am dreading seeing him as I know he could win me over again. (we are very good friends and get on very well indeed, this is the problem) I can no longer be friends with him after the sexual activity.
My question is: Do you think swingers shoudl leave none swingers alone. Its not fair.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 July 2011): I am hearing you! I am in the same situation. My boyfriend tells me we can stop at anytime, but then goes on the adult swinging sites advertising us as a couple.We have gone from just an occasional glance to him checking his profile every night, and sending out elaborate introduction emails, weighing up the other female, or rather the chest of the other female.
I have spoken to people about this, anonymously on the web, and people are so flippant about it. They think that because I agree to do this, then I must like it. I hate it, but I am too much dependant on my boyfriend to leave. Its not rape, its not abuse, its not domestic violence so no one takes you seriously. But it chips away at your self esteem, I feel I am being touted as his 'entry ticket' and that he flouts me as 'this is what I have, lets have a look at yours..' and I feel like cattle. I am not bisexual at all but I am expected as such. I've had enough too. Good luck and I hope all turns out ok for you.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (23 June 2011): i started an relationship just like this one.We both swing but now i only want him. swinging and real life dont mix at our house...smh..i liked it but now i feel used as a ticket to get in:( He ask me all the time to go to the xxx movies but im not into it no more told him to go by himself alot:)lol..soo ima wait on the same answer your waiting for too:) bookmarking this page:)
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 June 2011): First of all, no - you are absolutely not being prudish, or small-minded, or selfish. I think swingers sometimes have a tendency to present themselves as 'ultra-liberated', and then to portray anyone who doesn't want to participate as some kind of small-town, small-minded, old-fashioned puritan who only has joyless sex in the missionary position once a month. Actually, though, as you've realized, there are many attitudes towards sex that couples can have between those two polar extremes! You have actually been far more open-minded than many people would be, you've tried something thoroughly, and you've decided that it is simply not for you. That is not only completely acceptable - it's your absolute right.
The fact that you do not now feel able to trust him in terms of swinging without you is really a very serious doubt to have about a relationship. And I'm afraid it is not one that can be solved simply by your continuing to go along with this whole scene for an easy life! Feeling obliged to do something that you are fundamentally unhappy about, simply to guarantee some kind of 'fidelity' is no basis for any kind of healthy partnership. Particularly when the uncomfortable activity is actually sleeping with someone else!
Honestly, sit down and think about it for a second. The dishonesty and betrayal that you fear from him aren't in the future - they already exist, because the two of you are no longer in agreement on some really fundamental rules of sexual engagement. The problem is, that faced with the unspoken and unconfronted erosion of the moral rules between you when you started swinging, you no longer know where you stand. And not only do you not know where the relationship is - you're starting to lose yourself too. You now have to act - you can't allow this to continue without risking your physical and mental health.
I suggest that you sit down and speak to your partner about your feelings straight away. I understand your fear of confronting the situation, but any man who cares about you would not want to put you in a position where you felt coerced or forced into doing something you were uncomfortable with. You need to sit down and figure out how much of an issue it is for him to give up this scene, and how the pair of you go about rebuilding the trust that's been destroyed.
To finish on a positive note, I highly doubt that your partner's desires are any reflection on his attraction for you. The fact that these blondes look different from you doesn't mean that he finds your brunette good looks unappealing. Most guys like the idea of a contrast - he's probably simply looking for that! To some extent, swinging isn't 'real' - it's a kind of enacted fantasy that isn't all that different from pornography (and you only have to cast a glance at the Dear Cupid archives to see how many women are bothered by the fact that their husbands use porn that employs women with a different hair, eye, skin colour or body shape to their own).
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A
female
reader, totty-flossy +, writes (17 June 2011):
 I think you need to sort this before it goes any further! Have you told your husband that you really don't enjoy it anymore and want to stop? If not then this is deffinately the first step you need to take! obviously if you were both to stop this then there would be a bit of a gap in your love life... you need to fill that with something new and exciting! either a hobby that you can do together or if its the sex part of things that you like then i would say the best thing to do would be to explore a new sexual activity (bondage, role play, toys, new positions, home videos etc...)
If you carry on the way you are then your marriage will break down, you will either get fed up and leave or your husband will start going behind your back and lying to you! The best thing to do is be completely honest with him! Just explain to him that you really don't enjoy it anymore and your not happy doing it! If he cant accept this then you need to consider another way around this! your obviously not happy for him to do this without you but you cant keep doing something like this just to keep him happy, so maybe you would need to leave him but i would deffinately speak to him properly first and see how he reacts! xxx
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 June 2011): Myself and my long term partner also 40+ was also into the swinging scene,we never did anything other than pleasure each other there was offers on both sides and due to jealousy we knew we could never overstep the mark,i do believe if given the go ahead my partner would have had oral sex with another woman regardless of size,shape or colour as were myself i had to have found the male attractive and that i have yet to see in a swinging club so im basicaly saying you have 1 or 2 choices either stay an participate or leave him he`s in it for the sex and excitment and he will continue with or without you in his life
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