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male
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anonymous
writes: Please can you help me sort out my problem? I suspect my wife is having a lesbian relationship but I cannot prove it and would like some advice if you think she is bi-sexual. I have been married for 10 years now my age is 38 and my wife’s 43.I first started to notice a change in her behaviour and attitude back in July 2003. She met up with this woman I will call Pat and they started going out every weekend to the pub. I did not mind this at the time and encouraged her to go out and enjoy herself. Now Pat is 44 and a rather larger woman about size 18, compare to my wife’s size 10.But one night my wife came home crying and very distraught saying that Pat had tried to kiss her. She told me she rejected the advance and came home straight away. They still carried on going out on Friday and Saturday nights having resolved the kissing issue I was told. She then started to go down to her house every night getting drunk and coming come late. But still the weekends out in the pub continued.Then just before Christmas 2003 I found a note on the bedroom floor listing items:Candles, KY Gel, Wine, Presents, Boots and a Portable CD Player. I asked my wife what the note was for and she told me it was some items she need to take down to Pat’s. Now a couple of weeks before my wife told me that she was lending Pat her vibrator as her’s was broken.Valentine’s Day my wife went down to Pat’s and came home late, with a trinket with love hearts on intertwined. Saying she did not know why she had brought her it. Then promptly put in on display in our bedroom. Next was her birthday and another trinket with love hearts on also saying ‘Soul Mates’. This is what she used to say to me when we first met. The weekend drinking sessions carried on and the nightly vists to her house.Sometimes my wife would come home and tell me that Pat had picked up a man in a bar and taken him home for sex unprotected as well. She has also told me that Pat is very active using her vibrator at 3-4 times a day.Then around October 2004 Pat met a man 60 years old and started to see him regularly for sex sessions. There relationship seemed to fade. Shortly after she met another woman Sue who is gay, she hated men and everything to do with them. And so it started with Sue nightly vists to see her getting drunk and coming come late. The so called friendship with Pat continued but not as regular as before maybe 1-2 vists to her house a week. Sue hated Pat and Pat hated Sue as far as I can tell from what was said at the time and my wife could not talk about the other as it caused friction.This continued for about a year saying “I am going down to Sue’s for a couple of cans”. This happened each night, and the same thing happen one night coming home saying the Sue had tried it on with her. A couple of months passed by until one day a friend of my wife’s told me that Sue had bought her some sexy knickers !I asked her about this and she told me she had givern them back and did not accept them. I was getting more distant from my wife and more upset over her never being around to spend time with me or our son. One day she asked me if Sue could borrow my laptop over the weekend she wanted to do something but would not say what it was. So I decided to install some software on it that would monitor and log everything that was done on it. Low and behold when the laptop was returned I found out it had been used to play porn movies on it but only at the times my wife was there.So I confronted my wife over this and she told me that Sue was in another room watching the porn films and my wife was in another going on to say that even a gay woman has needs. Now if this was true surely Sue would have watched the films in private and not while my wife was at her house.This continued until the end of April 2005 when one day my wife told me they had, had a big bust up and the relationship ended very quickly . So she started going back to Pat again more regularly.At this I started to monitor her habits which is wrong but my mind was completely upside down by this time and I wanted to prove to myself one way or another my suspions. She kept taking sexy knickers down to Pat’s saying the 60 year old man liked to wear them and Pat did not mind this. But then other items started to go missing suspender belts and stockings. I know this because my wife would say to me occasionally leave me something nice out to wear when I get home. But if I could not find them how could I leave anything out. The suspender belt would return a few days later but no stockings and my wife would comment saying Ooo them stockings have got ripped so I threw them out. I have asked her a few times why items go missing and I always get the reply I have loaned them to Pat. Bear in mind Pat is a much larger woman than my wife and I don’t think they would even fit her and she has told me thaqt Pat did wear them.Moving on to the present at last my wife still goes to see Pat every night getting drunk and coming home late. Sometimes she will tell me that Pat had meet a neighbour of hers and asked him around for sex. Her affair with the 60 year old man is seldom now he is trying to back away from her and only goes to get something to eat then leaves so she invites other men in to satisfy her needs as I am told. My wife has even said Pat wanted me to go to see her but I did not answer her on that. Until last week more underwear went missing again, turning up a few days later to my susprise in the bin in the kitchen. But this time knickers and stockings where ripped to shreds looking like a tiger had been attacking them. On asking her where the items had gone I was told I had loaned them to Pat, but did not say I had seen them in the bin I could not be bothered with causing another argument.To the point where I gave her my wedding ring back about 1 year ago and refuse to wear it any more in my eyes it does not mean anything to her and what it symbolisies.We both sleep seperatley by my choice, she will occasionally try to kiss and cuddle me wanting sex but I reject her now. This is because if it is true Pat is having unprotected sex and they are in a lesbian relationship they could both be infected with STD and I don’t not want it passing on to me. So the only way I can protect myself is to reject her.Please can you help me with this am I going mad or do you think she is bi-sexual ?
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (8 July 2006): (Original Poster)
Thankyou for all the comments, I have talked to her today Fri 8th July and still got the same response I have got it wrong its not like what it looks... then 6pm I am going out for an hour for a drink with Pat .... Came home 11:45 the respect for me is awesome even after I have tried to talk it through and try to patch this up and go forward this is what I get back in response go out and get pissed and come home late !!!! Well I am sorry but I have just had enough now.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (5 July 2006): Well she could be, but you need evidence, not speculation. You are both in a marriage together, she is not giving you the commitment you deserve. Why don't you go and visit her friend Pat, get to know her and find out what she is all about. I would like to think that your imagination is running away with you and that she is possibly bored with your relationship, therefore she is spending time with her friends. The fact that she was drinking a lot too, suggests to me that she is very unhappy. I can't get my head 'round the vibrator sharing tho, I'd never lend mine to my friend, I may let her borrow my porno films for a giggle..You will have to get more involved with her life to find out the truth. At this time you have no concrete evidence only speculation. best of luck.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (5 July 2006): She seems to (definitly) be bisexual. In my opinion, it definitly sounds like she's cheating, but I don't know her personally so I can say for sure. (Sorry to be such a downer.) Tell her how you feel. If she values your relationship, she has to make some kind of a compromise with you. You should both seek marriage counseling if you want to save your marriage because it sounds like you both need it. A counselor will be able to help you both get to the root of what is going on in your relationship and will be able to help the both of you patch it up, if that's what you both want. If she's unwilling to do either of those and keeps going out, it seems like you have a problem that won't go away and a divorce is the only answer. Trust is a key element in any relationship, and there seems to be none in yours. (Honestly, it really sounds like she doesn't have any respect for you, and if I were you, I would personally seek to file for divorce. You don't deserve to be disrespected - you sound like a nice guy!)
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (5 July 2006): Im sorry to say it, but i think youre right. It seems to much of a coincidence, that all of these things are going on , and shes completely innocent in all of this. Its clear to me that this is causing you alot of stress, and i think you need to sum up your relationship. Can you live with this? Its obvious to me youre wife does not respect you, or your relationship or she wouldnt continue to flaunt her behaviour in your face or around your home, ie ripped knickers in the, love heart etc. I think your wife is a liar, i know its hard to hear but it is the truth. I get the impression that youve tried to sit her down and get her to open up about whats going on , but this always ends in arguments. This tells me she dosnt want to have to face the fact she might lose you or her family life, but she is reluctant to give up her lesbian trists.
Have you ever considered she might be experiencing a mid-life crisis?
Im not trying to excuse this behaviour, but people deal with the loss of their youth in diffrent ways. This could have been her outlet.I believe this started out innocently, her making a friend who perhaps brings her out of her shell, they go out and she is probably attracted to Pats freedom, and social life and wishes she was more like Pat in that way, however Pat could have been percieving this attention wrongly and saw this as an opportunity to groom your wife.
I doubt she ment it to go this far but i think this was more of an attraction to the lifestyle, than the person.
Her keepin company with Pat, i believe made her have doubts about her sexuality, so she wanted to experiment.
Like i said, are you prepared to put up with this? And is this the way you believe you and your son should be treated?
I think you have alot to think about and alot of decisions to make.
Take care of yourself, and stay strong for your son.
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