A
female
age
,
anonymous
writes:i have been married for almost 30 years. my husband never, never , never initiate romance, sex or anything. he never makes me feel special. he never takes me away or really talks to me . mind you, we do go places and do things, but only if and IF, i think of it , plan it , and pay for it. i won't have sex with him anymore because he don't feel that i should have romance, then i don't feel he should have sex. i wipped his shitty ass when he was in the hospital after cancer surgery , (he's 100% better now), and i can't even get a good morning or a kiss from him. i wish he would die so i can find a man that will just say "can i take you to dinner" before i leave this earth. Reply to this Question
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female
reader, Miamine  +, writes (26 December 2010):
 The idea of romance in marriage is a very new thing. Yes, now we see men buying ballons with "I love you" or writing your name high in the sky, but that is very modern.
Watch older films and men and women married and shopped, cooked and raised children. Usually there was no time for romance at all. Romantic men were rich playboys who were never trusted as they usually told lies and were trying to hurt someone.
You want romance. You tell us this, but it's impossible to fix your husband. You told him, he tried, but can't keep it up for very long. Romance is a very important thing for you.
Again, no-one can be forced to be romantic. Either they are, or they are not. If romance is the most important thing for you, you must seek a divorce and find another guy.
Many young women watch romantic movies and read romantic books and believe that this is what relationships are like. They become disappointed when married when they realise that romance takes time and money, where real life is about paying bills and washing dishes, and often people are too tired to do much beyond go to bed to sleep. They soon learn to readjust their ambitions. Most married/long term couples are content with living with someone who loves them, someone who doesn't hurt them, someone who helps with the bills and the household and someone who they can trust with their life.
If you can stand a life without romance and you will not take a lover, then get a divorce because you will NEVER change your husband. He is not the type of man you want. It doesn't sound like you and your husband are compatible.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (26 December 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionsorry about the cleaning his but part, that is what marriage is about, and i do not want a reward. I JUST WANT SOME TYPE OF ROMANCE. i am so romance deprived. i can
t cheat on him because cheating,to me will only make matters worse. i don't want to cheat, i want romance. we went to a gary chapman seminar one weekend. he got better for a month, then back into the same rut. oh yeah he's very faithful , i have never had to worry about him cheating on me, i think if he was not such a good , trusting husband i would have left him by now, he's just boring and not romantic. NO HE'S NOT GAY.
I'M TIRED OF TELLING HIM, I WANT ROMANCE.
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A
male
reader, eddie85 +, writes (24 December 2010):
 I agree with Monks, it sounds like you've tried all sort of different routes, including counseling.
It takes two to fix a problem and it sounds like your husband and you have different issues. It also sounds like you are very angry at him and perhaps a bit with yourself. He perhaps senses this and is turned off by it. Sometimes there is too much hostility and resentment that it is tough to overcome because of pride.
Also, surviving cancer, I am willing to bet his libido / strength are weak.
Either way, I think you have only a few choices:
1) Accept things the way they are. Your husband at this age is probably set in his ways. Accept the things he does well and try to get over the things he doesn't do well.
2) Move on with someone else or on the side.
You may want to go to the bookstore and see what you can find in the self-help / relationship area. Something might jump out at you. Again, all the counseling in the world won't say a couple unless they are BOTH willing to see there is a problem and work TOGETHER to fix it.
Good luck!
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A
male
reader, olderthandirt  +, writes (24 December 2010):
 I thought getting married for better or worse meant For better of for worse....If the for worse part like cleaning him up after surgery and having to put up with a man that has lost interest(surgically related?) IF the "for worse is too hard to handle then I'd say you shouldn't live under that covenant any more and ask for a divorce. Would he have stayed true to the vows? maybe not maybe he wouldn't like having to wipe your butt either or not be wooed like before the vows. If you think he'd be as disappointed and disguste as you are then ya'll shouldn't have "tied the knot'.
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A
female
reader, MrsTetzlaff +, writes (24 December 2010):
My guess is that he is either gay or that he thinks you nag too much and just doesn't want to be intimate with you any longer.
It's the truth, I know from experience.
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female
reader, Miamine +, writes (24 December 2010):
Your angry, upset and frustrated, all this is understandable. However, if you withhold sex, do not be surprised if your husband is unfaithful and has sex with someone else. Romance is like love, it's not something you can get by demanding it, or shouts, threats or anger. Who can be romantic when the other person is upset, who can be loving and romantic when they are sexual frustrated and upset.
Your marriage sounds like it's over, are you considering a divorce? Is your husband out already looking for a replacement?
mmmmm.. you cleaned his ass when he had cancer.. Isn't that what married people do? Now you expect some type of reward for just being a wife. Is that what you call romance? A reward for doing nice things?
Marriage guidance... due to lack of a romantic bone? Or was there further issues and problems in your marriage?
Many, many millions of men are unromantic. Yes your guy lied, he deceived you, but why did you wait 30years to get upset. You should have left as soon as the romance ended if romance was so important to you.
How to get men to be romantic.
1. Don't tell them to be romantic.. It never works and it creates resentment.
2. Continue to be romantic, but go overboard. Try to swamp them with romance 24hours a day, so they get the point. People like nice stuff, do nice stuff continuously, they feel happy and then they feel like doing it back to you.
3. Many men think working or paying bills is romantic. If husband gives you housekeeping money, buy flowers, chocolates and romantic things. Wrap it up, put a card from him and then open it in front of him, say thank you and kiss him. Basically spend his money to do your own romantic things if he lacks the ability.
4. If your marriage is already rocky, then try to make husband jealous. Jealousy has a way of making men think about being more romantic to keep wives at home.
5. Put little love notes in his clothes, in his socks, in his bag, in his car. When he mentions them, then give him pen and paper and stand over him whilst he writes one back.
Some men are just not romantic, and therefore you will have to direct them and tell them exactly where to take you, what to buy you and what to say. Many men who are perfect at romance get this way by being Casanova's and sleeping with the whole world as soon as they are away from home. They are good at romance because they have tons of practice. Non-romantic men are usually very faithful if a bit thoughtless and boring.
6. Dump the idea of romance and go for wild sex. Book a hotel room and send him a map with the location, and when he arrives present him with a big bill. (for champagne, sexy wife, hotel room, new sexy clothes etc)
7. Just keep kissing him, and if he kisses you back and hugs you, then it's probably love.
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female
reader, MonksDaBomb +, writes (24 December 2010):
 Sorry to say this, but if you've tried going to counseling to him and making special, romantic dinners for him and it doesn't do anything, then there's nothing else to do. To make counseling successful to get that romance back into your lives, both of you have to make the effort; it just doesn't work if you're doing all the work and he's just sitting there doing nothing. Sorry
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reader, anonymous, writes (24 December 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questioni just told you the last few years, i never told you that this has been going on for years, it just has gotten worse. this was happening well before , years before illness. i have told him, showed him, cried to him, begged to him, gone to counseling with him, planned romantic evenings for him, and nothing. all i believe now , which he leaves me no choice is that he does not care about romance. he even told me once that having sex was romance to him, and i and the counselor tried to explain to him that was not the case, he has told me lies that he would start ,i have learned through all these years to hate him for that, i love him otherwise but i hate him for never even trying to initiate romance. he said his daddy was not romatic with his mom, so he never learned about romance. i told him i'm not his mom, and i will say it again he just has put his foot down for years and not improved. oh yeah let me be real truthful. i can count on one hand how many times he has ever initiated anything. many times before marriage, which was the number one reason i fell with him, and 3 times since we been married. that averages 1 time per 10 years, who wouldn't be frustrated. he's lazy and don't care
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female
reader, YouWish +, writes (24 December 2010):
 Guys aren't mind readers. Sometimes, the best way to get what you want is to just tell him. A lot of times, when we feel that our needs aren't met, instead of clearly stating what's wrong, we take it out in other areas hoping that the guy will get a clue (i.e. no sex).
You said that he had cancer surgery? He might feel like less of a man because of it, and I have no doubt that the medications he's been through (radiation and chemo) have totally screwed up his own hormone balance. He could also feel depressed. Many times after a diagnosis of cancer, people's worlds irrevocably change, and their perception of themselves change with it.
The best course of action for you is to tell him what you want, and how you've been feeling. Instead of making accusations and striking out, tell him what you've been missing. Tell him that you miss HIM - his romance and sharing thoughts and feelings together. Tell him that by his not initiating contact with you, you're feeling like you don't matter to him.
Trust me, by not saying anything and denying him sex, you will make the situation 100X worse, because he'll see your rejection of him not as you would want him to see it, but that you no longer care about him. Many guys look elsewhere for those needs to be met rather than clue in on what you're wanting. He'll perceive that you do not care for him, when it sounds like the opposite is true.
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