A
female
 ,
anonymous
writes:I feel rather confused. I've always believed in God (Im a Christian/Anglican) but have never really been to church much but still believe in God and also the morals and values from my religion. To me thats the main thing that draws me to it, I really do believe in the lifestyle and the values and morals. However, when I was 17 I lost my virginity to my "long term" bf at the time. It was something I felt so pressured and forced into. I regret it every day. I dont feel liek I can talk to anyone about it because having sex before marriage is frowned upon. I am wondering how to cope with this...I suffer from a tremendous amount of guilt and shame. I have recently started going to church on a regular basis and there is this guy there who has asked me out on a date. I dont know if i should even go though because I fear that if he finds out im not a virgin then he will hate me or something.
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male
reader, oldfool +, writes (13 June 2008):
 troubledtoomuch has it right.
There are at least two things here. One is your feelings of guilt as a Christian.
The second is how the guy is going to react. I put up a post about the psychology behind some men's negative reactions to finding their girlfriend had sex before. I was speaking in general, because I felt that the previous poster's thinking was off the mark with regard to men's feelings. I was merely pointing out why I think men get upset about their girlfriend's past.
troubledtoomuch has made a valid point about the circumstances. It is much less expected that a girl will be a virgin these days than it was in the past, so very few men will regard you as a "fallen woman" (to use a very old expression!). What's more, losing your virginity to someone you cared about is not going to be regarded as "casual sex" or "giving it away to all and sundry".
Sorry if I gave you any stress with my reply. I don't think your losing your virginity to this guy is going to be a problem and I don't want to add to your guilt!
A
reader, anonymous, writes (12 June 2008): To the OP: You had sex with someone who you had been dating and had some feelings for. That is a lot different than having sex with a 1 night stand. You have nothing to be ashamed of, in my opinion. In your thinking, you made a bad decision once. You didn't do it over and over again. You should not feel as if you are unworthy of anyone else because of what you did with one person who you obviously liked.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (12 June 2008): I think that oldfool is correct, to a point. I think that both men and women want to feel that they are special. So if a partner has had sex with everyone who they dated, then you are just another person to have sex with. You are no more significant than the one night stand that he or she had. The “to a point” part is that I don’t think this should be the case if the other person had sex with just the other partners who were special to them and not everybody who they had one date with or who they just met at a bar 2 hours before. There really are consequences for past actions for both men and women. Many don’t think that anyone should be concerned with a person’s past. However, I think that their past tells what kind of person they are. That doesn’t mean that they are a bad person or one who cannot change and love only one, but it does show that there can be some concern about their future behavior. This is not the case only with sex, but with other parts of a person's personality and behavior.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (12 June 2008): Careful there, Oldfool.
The idea that these feelings are just a sign of immaturity and ego is serving a valuable purpose.
Get too rational in justifying them, and we might all have to start accepting a very inconvenient truth: That these hurt feelings aren't just self-serving ego trips that exist to oppress women. People might even start thinking that men struggling with these issues deserve a little respect & understanding.
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A
male
reader, oldfool +, writes (11 June 2008):
I don't think that comparison with previous men is necessarily most the important factor for men. That seems to be a peculiarly female perspective.
The thing that hurts men is more related to "sexual politics". A man doesn't usually have an opportunity to have sex with any woman he wants. If he's religious or conservative, he may not even be trying. He may be waiting for that one incredibly special girl with whom sex is love, and love is sex. So when he gets that really special girl, her willingness to have sex with him is just incredibly special. But if the girl herself freely gave away this gift to all and sundry, so that some totally unimportant guy quite casually managed to get into the same pussy that he values so much, he feels hurt and cheated.
That's the point behind the juvenile joke that some young men in cars engage in when sighting a couple kissing or cuddling in the street, by yelling out: "Go for it mate! We fucked her too!" An intense and deeply romantic experience for the young guy with his girl is degraded into a quick and easy fuck for the casual sexual partner. THAT'S what hurts, not the fear of being compared with a previous sexual partner.
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A
female
reader, Laura1318  +, writes (8 June 2008):
 In this age and time , finding a virgin girl is like looking for a needle in a haystack.
You are not alone. We are not living in the old Testament times where sex outside of marriage is frowned upon.
You need to accept that times have changed and in your society it is rather common to lose one's virginity before marriage.
Religion has got a useful purpose. Religious values have the same with common values or the values of this world.
Most religions teach you the good values in life.
There are times when we do not understand the Bible or God.
You need to know the truth.
Let no man judge you.
He who judges you has sinned.
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A
female
reader, thesoundofbeadyeyes  +, writes (8 June 2008):
its hard to reassure you on this one because religion is involved and that's personal. however, i used to be a devout christian but had sex before marriage and felt guilty for a long time. i am no longer a christian because i think it is far more important to 'sieze the day!'and religion limits you experience of life in many ways, i thin. sex, like trees and the air is natural and therefore cannot be wrong!! i think christianity does provide society whith some sound values and guidance, and it is a good idea to limit your sexual activity for emotional reasons. but the no sex before marriage thing is a concept that is greatly flawed. for example, i have noticed that lots of christians get married VERY quickly and at an early age; i know of three devout christian couples who were married before the age of 23 and one couple who are engaged at 19. i think the main reason for this is that they were desparate to have sex! hasty marriage is flawed for obvious reasons. sexual compatability is another important part of a long term realtionship, and something that abstinance from sex would not allow you to explore.
if you want to follow the words of the bible literally and think abstinance is right for you then you should not feel guilty about your past. surely forgiveness is the most important part of christianity? When i practiced christianity, i found it much harder to forgive myself, but was told that 'in the eyes of the lord' i was already forgiven.(i feel very hypocritical writing that as an atheist!!)anyway... your male friend should also be able to forgive you. i hope he doesn't turn his insecurity at the idea that you have already had sex and he hasn't into a realigious thing. if he does protest, it is purely his problem, and you should not feel guilty.
take care and think carefully about sex and religion because the two together can be very confusing an cause a lot of emotional grief and turmoil!
dont feel guilty and enjoy life, whichever way you choose to live it!
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (8 June 2008): Think about this: Imagine if you grew up virtually guaranteed to be married within 2 or 3 years after you first hit puberty and got interested in sex at all. Imagine you had little or no option of getting divorced just because of relationship reasons. Imagine you didn't mingle with very many new people that you haven't already known your whole life, let alone single ones. And imagine that you'd probably only live for another 20-30 years after your teen marriage at best.Woudln't it be MUCH easier to avoid extramarital sex in this life compared to the current situation? Well, this was the life that most humans led during biblical times and throughout most of history.
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A
female
reader, Laura1318 +, writes (8 June 2008):
This is a very good article here ;-
The Christian View of Sex
A Time for Apologetics, Not Apologies
by
Janet E. Smith
University of Dallas
http://www.nfpoutreach.org/Sex.htm
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A
male
reader, oldfool +, writes (7 June 2008):
I'm just trying to think. Is there somewhere in the Bible that says you have to be a virgin at marriage? Just curious.
There are an awful lot of things that people equate to Christianity that are simply conventional social morality and have nothing to do with the Bible.
At any rate, people make mistakes. There are much more serious sins than losing your virginity -- like lying, spreading gossip, slandering people, deceiving people, bullying people, inciting hate, abusing people for their skin colour, religion, beliefs, etc. The trouble is, these things are easier to wiggle out of than losing your virginity. I mean, virginity is black and white. You've got it or you haven't. But spreading malicious gossip, which can be extremely hurtful to people, can be covered up with lies or got out of with all kinds of subtle excuses.
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A
female
reader, Laura1318 +, writes (5 June 2008):
Jesus said,"Why don't you cast your burdens unto me?'
If you have done that , then you will feel free from that guilt.
If you believe in God, then you should forgive yourself and have faith in His words.
"You have been forgiven, child!"
He bought your sin with His precious blood and if you still
carry the guilt, then you have no faith in Him.
He would have died in vain.
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A
female
reader, Clarey +, writes (5 June 2008):
 Hurrah! A person with morals. When I read some of the questions here from girls worried about their boyfriends going to lapdancing clubs, prostitutes and being addicted to porn, having threesomes and heaven knows what. It depresses me so much but you have given me a warm feeling.
It seems like guilt but perhaps it isn't, maybe it is pain at having been pressured and felt unable to be assertive. This happens to girls, they sometimes believe they are there to keep people happy. Boys can be better at being pushy!
If you meet someone who you like, hopefully you would get to know each other before deciding whether you want a physical relationship. In your shoes I would forgive myself and be strongly in my own favour generally as a human being. If you can do that it will simply because a criteria of whether a boy/man is worthy of you. In other words he would have to be understanding and supportive and appreciative of the fact that you only had one physical relationship before marriage and you loved the person. To him that would be a sign of your worthiness, not the opposite.
When you discuss these things with a potential partner don't be apologetic. Simply say "I believe on sex in a stable and loving relationship. Preferably within marriage although I accept this is not always the case. I have only been in love enough once to make love with my partner". Then see what he says. Imaging the scenario in your head right now. What does he say to you? "Is it, you old slapper get out of my house!" Is it "I am a bit disappointed that you won't be a virgin when we marry, but that is just me being selfish". Is it "Pray and you may be forgiven" Is it "Thank goodness I have too". Is it "Why would you worry about that, we have each other now and that is special enough to me"
Before settling with a life partner it is so important to get to an understanding of morals and beliefs. EG What is betrayal to you? What is important in a relationship to him and you (Sex, money, religion, debt, saving, alcohol, family, being a good citizen etc). It seems that lots of girls decide on who they will be with by their looks, sexual attraction and a sense of challenge that they will tame/change the man somehow. This is never possible, what you see is what you get.
You have no reason to feel guilty and every reason to be really proud of yourself.
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A
female
reader, I'llTryToHelp  +, writes (3 June 2008):
 Girl, God forgave you a long, long time ago. Now you have to forgive yourself.
Remember God made us exactly the way we are and knows each and every mistake we'll make during our life on earth. His love and approval is the only approval you should seek and you already have that, I assure you! Let it go...You've already made your confession to HIM and have been forgiven.
When your next relationship begins, remember you DON'T have to confess to any man, only to God. Your past is just that. Your "PAST" so let it stay there. You're torturing yourself over something I'm sure you did out of love for your boyfriend and God understands love.
Let it go............God has!
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (3 June 2008): A word of advice:If you're with a guy and virginity is clearly important to him, then don't lie to him. Either tell him the truth when he asks, or else just tell him that you don't wish to talk about past relationships.A guy will feel hurt a lot worse if this is important to him and he thinks you're a virgin for a long time, but then hears/discovers otherwise later. The majority of men naturally care about their women's pasts. It's not a choice that men are making, it's evolution forcing hurt feelings into us that we can't turn off.Some guys care very little but others care a lot. It just depends. It's more likely to be an issue for the guys that are still purposely remaining virgins themselves. By the time you're in your early and mid-20s there aren't many virgins left anywhere, religious or otherwise. It doesn't make you a bad person just to have had sex in your teens. Live, learn, be fallible, love yourself, and forgive yourself for things.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (3 June 2008): There are more and more people losing their virginity be-
fore they are married.I'm not saying it's right,but it's
not gonna scar you for life.If you really believe in God
then all your sins will be forgiven,no matter what.There's a chance that guys will hate you only if you tell them.And
plus,more guys are having sex before they're married,too.
If they ask about it and you don't wanna talk about it,then
just say "I don't wanna talk about it".But if you feel like
it's something that needs to be discussed,then go ahead and
say it.
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A
female
reader, lushlass93 +, writes (3 June 2008):
 if you were pressured to have sex with hmi you shouldnt feel guilty it wasnt your fault and it was partly your choice in life if its your life and you shouldnt let your religion affect you too much as its your life at the end of the day
you need tot hink and rember god forgives all sins dont feel to pressuerd by this you should forget it an dgo on that date
good luck xD xxx
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A
female
reader, nandisa  +, writes (3 June 2008):
God says that there is no condemnation for those who are in him because all their sins are forgiven, God fogives you the moment you confess that you have done something wrong,the gulit remains inus but he has forgotten already, and he says he loves us irregardless of what we have done and what we are,thank god for choosing and loving you, start building a relationship with God, make him your friend, tell him eevrything, he will never judge you but he will listen always,Pray that you forget about the past, and remember that nothing happens for a reason the only thing you have to ask yourself is what lesson am i getting from this experience, there is something good bout what happene, ask yourself what have you learned and what could have been the worst case scenario, count your blessings, you are not pregnant or even Hiv positive,always stick to the positives and always pray, talk to him like you talk to your friend.
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