A
female
age
41-50,
*FSN
writes:I am in desperate need of an honest opinion about a situation that has been ongoing for 9 years that I can’t tell anyone about!WARNING – This is possibly the longest post ever!Here's the story, for anyone who may care enough to read through it!I am a nurse and 9 years ago when I was in my last year of my nurse training I had a placement in the ITU. Whilst on placement I met a junior anaesthetist that I instantly felt attracted too, I never actually got to speak to him at all when I was on that placement but I found out his name and I swear I have never felt so attracted to someone on first sight. I had a fiancé at this time that I had been with for more than 6 years and had known for 9 years.My last placement of my nurse training was in theatres, and yes you have guessed it the same anaesthetist was now working there. Again as a student in the department I never remember speaking to him but I always had such terrible butterflies in my stomach every time that I saw him. I was offered a job in theatres at the end of my placement and I had loved theatre nursing so I gladly accepted.I spent my first year on the scrub side and in one theatre and again I only ever saw this anaesthetist in the passing and still hadn’t ever spoken to him! In my second year I switched to anaesthetics and yes you guessed it I now worked with this doctor (Alan) that I was highly attracted to a few times a month. I had now been introduced to him, I now was engaged in conversation with him and he was now teaching me a lot about anaesthetics. Over the next 6 months we worked together more often and spoke more often too, always very professional conversations, never really anything on a personal level.At this time I was about to be married to my fiancé of nearly 7 years. Our relationship wasn’t a healthy one and the more time that passed and the closer the wedding got the more I knew I didn’t want to marry him, partly because of how strongly attracted I was to Alan but mostly because we had simply grown apart over the years that I had been training. 2 weeks before the wedding, one and half stones lighter and sleep deprived from the stress of it all I called it off, told my fiancé how I felt and ended the relationship, he didn’t want to end it but I knew I had to. We were due to be married in Mexico, family all booked the lot and I had 3 weeks annual leave booked for the wedding. When I called it off no one at my work knew since none of them were going to be at the wedding as it was abroad. I returned to work, I was well tanned as we had happened to have great two weeks sunshine in Scotland and all I had done was mope around in it!First day back I was working late in trauma theatre with Alan. A surgeon came past the open anaesthetic room doors as we were waiting for a patient and cheerfully asked how the newlywed was doing and had I had a great honeymoon? I of course told him that I hadn’t gone through with the wedding and we had separated. Once the surgeon had finished apologising and left Alan turned to me and asked me had I really not gotten married? Yes I replied and it’s over.Over the next year I saw a lot more of Alan as I was working extra shifts at weekends to make ends meet. Turned out we had heaps in common inparticular a shared passion for the same kind of music. We started exchanging CDs and making CDs up for each other, he bought me a CD at one point stating he just thought I might really like it. Alan is a Virgo, and as anyone who knows any Virgo males can attest they are painfully shy, exceedingly wary and very slow to make a move when it comes to romance. We both didn’t want kids, we were both into running etc yet despite all the lengthly conversations we had and all the times that we were alone together I could never summon the courage to ask him out, partly because we had such a fantastic working relationship, many other colleagues commented on how slick we were as an anaesthetic duo! A sister in one of the theatres who hardly knew me came to sit with me one day at lunch and proceeded to tell me that she had never in the 8 years she had known Alan seen him speak so much to a nurse or seem so interested.An older anaesthetist that I worked with, Abdul whom I was really close too had totally sussed that I fancied Alan, he said he was sure Alan liked me and that I should ask him out as he reckoned that Alan was way too shy to ever ask me. Well, I didn’t ask him, and while I was busy pursuing him my now husband came into my life. I really adored Alex and he was such a really nice guy and we got on amazingly. After just 4 months we moved in together. Alan got to know fairly early on that I was seeing someone as a colleague had told him. I still got butterflies in my stomach every time I saw him or spoke to him but I was really falling in love with Alex and besides Alan was a fairly strange guy, he had no real friends (that anyone ever knew of), he worked all the time, even at Christmas to avoid going home to his family and he was such a perfectionist that I knew it would probably never work between us.4 years later I married Alex. A few months before the wedding in an empty theatre that I was setting up where Abdul was working with me. Alan had come into set up some specialist equipment for us and Abdul jokingly said to him that I would give him a great big kiss for helping us! Needless to say thank god I was wearing a scrub mask as I was scarlet. Abdul left theatre and as soon as he had Alan turned to me and said “your taken, aren’t you”, I asked what he meant,I said if he meant was I in a relationship then the answer was yes I was about to get married (again!). He looked upset and left.A year later I left theatres for a new job with pharmacy. My job still took me back to theatres every 3 months for routine checks. Despite being very happily married I never stopped thinking about Alan, in the 8 years that I had now known him I still got terribly nervous talking to him. After a year in that job I landed the perfect nursing job close to home. This time I knew I would never be setting foot in theatres again and after all these years I felt compelled to tell Alan how I felt. I had the perfect opportunity in my last week on the job when I had to go into theatres unscheduled and there he was. I told him that I was leaving the job; he said he was really upset at that as he hadalways hoped I would go back to theatres. He said “does that mean I will never see you again” nervous I stupidly said “god I hope not, that means you will be my anaesthetist!” He looked close to tears, said nothing more and left. I was so beside myself as I couldn’t believe I had cocked up the telling him how I felt scenario.I decided to email him and tell him instead only I didn’t! My best friend who also worked in theatres at that time talked me out of it. So instead I composed a fair well email that was exceptionally eloquent in which I told him professionally what I thought of him but never said how I really felt for him. He replied equally asprofessionally and wished me luck in my new job. That was 4 months ago, and now I cannot stop thinking about him. If I am honest I have never stopped thinking about him, I always have. It’s hard to explain but I feel so drawn to him, so moved by him yet there has never been anything between us except a mutual attraction.I don’t know now what to do. I really do love my husband, and I am happy in my marriage yet I think about Alan all the time, some nights I can’t sleep for going over encounters with him in my head. It has been 9 years since I first laid eyes on him and in all that time how I feel about him, how attracted I am to him has never wavered. Alan has had no relationships in all that time,another anaesthetist whom he is friendly with told me this in an unrelated conversation a few months ago. I don’t know why but I simply yearn for him, in my head I absolutely know that Alex is 10 times the man that Alan is and logically I concede that I simply don’t think a relationship with him would have worked, yet here I am at 3am, unable to sleep again for thinking about him.I really do feel a sense of pain, a yearning that in 9 years has never diminished! I have recently been considering seeking therapy, but I don’t know what to tell my husband I am in therapy for! I have no crap childhood hang ups and I am avery well balanced and always happy person so I am worried if I go to a psychologist Alex is going to be panicked that there is something really wrong!Should I have told Alan, just for the sake of closure? I am almost certain that Alan being Alan if I sent him an email explaining how I felt he wouldn’t reply, but should I do it anyway? Does anyone think that would help? I feel like I am going crazy and I am a rational person and this whole mess is irrational and nonsensical, yet I still feel this way no matter what I do not tooIf you have read to the bottom after all this mammoth rant I thank you! If you have any inclination left I would really value your comment, like I said at the beginning, I have no one I can confess this to, know one I can tell!
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female
reader, tennismom47  +, writes (9 May 2012):
Wow. Not helpful, surely not what you want to hear, but how Exciting to know someone who moves you like that, especially after all this time. How could it mean Nothing? I don't have a crystal ball, and you say you know, "logically" Alan's wrong for you. Well, maybe... sometimes very big differences equal much chemistry. Personally, I'd have to KNOW. I say follow your heart and see. Sad but true, sometimes good people get hurt. I look at it like this: How can you ever Love Alex as he deserves if you're torn in this way? The only way to ever be able to offer Alex or anyone, your complete heart, is if you face off with this.Alex sounds "different" alright, reclusive, loner. But he cried once didn't he. Why wouldn't he respond to your email baring your soul? If he doesn't respond, fine you put it out there and let the Universe work its mysterious magic. I think that would give me closure cause I'd know he's not for me if he ignores my deepest heart. Who needs that? I have little experience with Love myself but have always wished for an open enough heart to even feel so drawn to anyone such as you describe a "yearning." I'm saying, I'd have to explore that, for what's it's worth. All the best. You seem really nice and deserve to be happy yourself and in Peace.
A
female
reader, Hopeful Romantic +, writes (6 May 2012):
 Do not tell your husband.
It is normal to have a guy from your past that you always wonder "what if."
Especially when you're mad at your husband or things aren't going your way, it is super easy to wonder, "Would it have been better with that other guy?"
But you're with your husband because you're supposed to be. You could have gotten with the other guy if you really wanted and neither of you made it work.
Now you've cleared your mind letting the other guy know. He didn't want to run away with you to Fiji, so that's that.
You know you made the right choice by being with your husband to begin with.
Never tell your husband of such thoughts. If you cheat, confess that, but I wouldn't confess thoughts of the nature.
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A
female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (6 May 2012):
 All you wanted is acceptance of what you are experiencing and nothing else. What if your husband understands this and is not upset by this, maybe it's a good idea to tell him. It could bring you closer together because as soul mates you should not have anything to hide, anything to feel shameful about. I think this is the last step to your issue to get over. If you decide to tell your husband first you say you love him and in love with him, you have something to share and you are risking a lot because you don't want to hurt him but this is bothering you and his understanding just by listening, without needing to fix anything, would help tremendously.
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A
female
reader, HFSN +, writes (5 May 2012):
HFSN is verified as being by the original poster of the questionOldbag
You wrote "Now you have confessed via an email there are still unanswered questions and you continue to think about him so it has not ended the dilema at all"
Can I just say that I feel you are being very presumptious with this statement considering I only sent him the email on Thursday night, he responded Friday morning and I posted the update last night! In so far as he hasn't confessed anything to me regarding his feelings toward me you are correct, but he didn't need to, as I said last night just by sending the email and finally saying what I needed to say is in it's self enough for me. It's only been 2 days since I sent he email and I am feeling better about the whole situation.
So the elephant as you describe it is certainly not getting better, it's shrunk to mere baby elephant size as far as I am concerned. Yes many posters did advise against sending the email, some did advocate my sending it. I am a firm believer in a free world and I wasn't aware that I had to go with the majority vote or else!
I am considering my husbands feelings, if I wasn't I wouldn't care less if he found out and I certainly wouldn't be seeking a therapist to help me with this issue on the premise of not jepordising my marraige!
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A
female
reader, oldbag +, writes (5 May 2012):
 Hi
Now you have confessed via an email there are still unanswered questions and you continue to think about him so it has not ended the dilema at all. He said he was 'certain' you would never have been happy with him and he feels he has been a nuisance over the years. Well maybe he is gay? (no girlfriends,no asking you out)
I sincerely hope you do see the therapist because this elephant in the room is growing not shrinking and though the posters on here suggested no contact with Alan,you went ahead anyway.
Please consider your husbands feelings and put yourself in his shoes should he find out about your crush,the email or your longstanding feelings.Best of Luck hope you find peace.
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A
female
reader, Hopeful Romantic +, writes (5 May 2012):
I am sorry you have to deal with a "what if" in life.
Many of us do - there is always that guy that we'll never know for sure if it would have worked or not. If it would be better with him....
Just try to shake it off and think of something else when he enters your mind. Pretend like you're better than him.
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A
female
reader, janniepeg +, writes (5 May 2012):
Nuisance being that you think about him, him not being a suitable partner yet you can't get rid of him in your mind all these years. Ironically Alan had done nothing wrong except occupy your head and won't go.
Now I understand that crushes could happen at any age, and for any duration, not just a high school thing. I think it is more complex than wanting something you can't have. I am curious about what the therapist is going to say. Perhaps it has to do with past lives?
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A
female
reader, HFSN +, writes (4 May 2012):
HFSN is verified as being by the original poster of the questionDear all
I thank you for your comments and I have taken a lot onboard from all the posters observations. I am writing this update to say that I emailed Alan last night after all these years and told him how I felt. I started the email stating that it was not sent with expectation and that I was not looking for affirmation or a reciprocal response. I told Alan in the email that I was happily married but that I felt I had to bring closure to the situation in order to move on.
I have to say that after I had sent it I really did feel a sense of relief, almost like a weight had been lifted. I had said in my original post that I genuinely didn’t believe that Alan would reply to the email, I was wrong and he replied this morning. He simply said that he wasn’t sure what to reply or whether to reply but he felt compelled to.
I had mentioned at the end of the email that I was sure he would probably think less of me for the somewhat juvenile act of confessing a long standing crush via email, he said in his reply that he absolutely did not think any less of me and that he was sure it had taken a lot of courage to send the email. He told me he was very glad that I was happy with my husband and that he was certain that I would never have been happy with him. He ended the fairly brief reply with this line “Mainly I get the impression that I have been a bit of a nuisance over the years - sorry.”
I am very touched that he bothered to reply and I am also very relieved that he said little in the response and that he didn’t reciprocate my sentiment. I am a bit upset that he felt that he had been a nuisance and I really don’t know what he means by this? I will never know though as I will not email him again. I really feel like telling him, finally divulging the secret that I have upheld for years has been cathartic.
I am still booked to see the therapist next week and I am going to go because as many of you have pointed out there must be issues with me in the first place for having these obsessive feelings for so long.
To have been able to share this after so long and to have had so many genuine responses had been so helpful to me and again I thank everyone for their comments.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 May 2012): No don't send Alan that email. What do you hope to get out of it? what would be the purpose?whenever you express romantic feelings toward someone, the only reason is because you hope or want them to reciprocate. so let's say you send the email and he contacts you back and reciprocates the feelings. Then what? now you're basically in an affair already (an emotional affair). you will now be even more torn between him and your husband.Or you send the email and he ignores it or even rejects you. How will that make you feel? will that move you any closer toward peace than where you're at now? will it make you feel even worse and more depressed and unable to hide it from your husband?if Alan has avoidant personality disorder (was he actually diagnosed?) then it's no wonder he has never dated anyone and probably never will.
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A
female
reader, HFSN +, writes (3 May 2012):
HFSN is verified as being by the original poster of the questionApologies to all I am not very good at using this board and I posted one update without logging in and didn't use this option when I replied to previous posters! Anyway I would like to say thank you to everyone who has posted a reply, all of your comments are appreciated.
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A
female
reader, HFSN +, writes (3 May 2012):
HFSN is verified as being by the original poster of the questionYouwish
Thank you for your reply. Let me answer some of your questions. I did not leave my long term fiancée before the wedding just because of Alan, my ex had a drug habbit and he wanted kids and I didn't, there were in truth multiple reasons for not marrying him, Alan was just one issue. So I did not pay any price at all to be available to him.
As I mentioned in an earlier answer (although I forgot to log in!), Alan has Avoidant personality disorder, if you know anything about this disorder you would know that people suffering from it find it incredibly difficult to form relationships, I was always very reluctant to tell him how I felt because I knew he suffered AvPD.
I agree with you that it is not healthy to be so obsessed with an individual, that's exactly why I posted seeking help and I have arranged to see a therapist. Obviously I didn't post every detail of this situation but I can assure you that I am not by any means leaving out anything important!
For the record I did not marry my husband in the knowledge that I was in love with another man, I have always sought to forget Alan and move on, I have struggled with this, hence the post.
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A
male
reader, JustHelpinAgain +, writes (3 May 2012):
You are not alone. Many of us have missed opportunities and as you get older and look back and wonder how it might have been. Your first engagement wasnt meant to be a marriage your feelings for Alan were a useful test of the strength of you commitment (missing strength in your case). Now you are driving yourself nuts. Your imagination is wild but the reality is that Alan probably isnt exactly the love you imagine - your feelings for him would have been obvious and if he wasnt able to react then that says something. Your husband loves you and clearly if you managed to overcome your confused feelings and love him too. Focus your affection on your husband and do something special for him everytime Alan comes into your head. Of course if you are an out and out romantic find Alan and tell him how much you love him and always have, and see what happens. Unfortunately real life isn't like the movies!!
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (3 May 2012): You shared a working environ for over 5 years and he never asked you out despite your open attraction to him? well, i think you are the problem here. A mature man knows within WEEKS if a woman is in love with him. You should be thankful that he did not lead you on or lie to you. I think he is a gentleman, but you cant accept that it wasnt meant to be. Your perspective in life matters a lot, if u think attraction should always lead to something else, then its really unfortunate. Everyone gets really attracted to somebody else at some point in life, infact, a survey showed that almost 60% of married partners never anticipated to marry their current partners! but as they grow older together they find a sense of companionship and fulfillment! Its also surprising that you have tried all sorts of things, including yoga "to get alan out of your mind"..well, something isnt right somewhere. I suggest that you find an honest friend or counsellor to talk to. If writing the email will help, please do, but that means you should not accept any advances from him if he chooses to start now! keep your current man and you will never regret it. Good luck.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 May 2012): Sorry you are going through this. It is hard to completely forget him but it takes time. Just work on yourself--keep busy and don't be too hard on yourself. Remember, you define you. Don't let anyone/fantasy define you.Be strong!!
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A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (3 May 2012):
 This makes zero sense to me, and I can't help thinking that there's much more to this story than you've written, and that there's some element to this that you're not admitting either to yourself or to us.
You've been pining for this co-worker, so much so that you pretty much left your long term fiance at the altar because of it? Then, when you blow up your marriage plans and relationship, that you DON'T make a move on Alan? What??
Then, not only that, but after blowing up a marriage, after not talking to this guy you paid a huge price to be available to, you marry someone else?? What?!?
When you were available, you didn't tell him or make a move. When you are taken (both times), you torch your current relationship for this obsession towards this guy. What do you do, blow up relationships for the chance to adore this guy from afar?
Once again, I don't get it and think that there's something missing. It's not healthy to be obsessed like this. You don't enter into marriages when you have feelings for other people. So what gives? What aren't you telling us?
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 May 2012): I'm not sure emailing him will help much, but it may help you move on. But what if he declares a long held attraction to you? It is possible. I know from experience that sometimes very small things can stop a relationship from developing - fear of rejection, being in the same work place making it inappropriate etc. I would say follow your instincts but be wary.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (3 May 2012):
Wow thats some crush, however I think the only thing you shared was a working relationship. I swap CDs, DVDs etc with workmates, both sexes. He knew you were free but didnt in that time make a move and at the end of the day, he is a man. It didnt have to be one to one initially it could have been a group thing after work. I know nurses that do go for unwind drinks they're a social bunch.(My ex and my son are Virgos and they are far from backward no shyness at all,they go for it.)
Its harder to explain YOUR fixation, you have ended one relationship and found a new one, married and are in love. I think you really do need therapy of some sort so you can continue to be married and stay married.
No emails,letters communication,nothing with Alan,your married and it wouldnt be fair on anyone,theres nothing to gain by it. Your best friend at the time,she was right to tell you not to open up to him.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (3 May 2012): Maybe my advice isn't going to be pleasant, but I think you should send Alan that email. It's obvious that you're having a huge battle with your emotions and I think that's going to ease it up a little bit. Just tell him how you feel, explain the situation, be 100% honest... He might not answer, but, trust me, you're going to feel better. If I were you, that's what I'd probably do.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 May 2012): Wisdom & Janniepeg
Many thanks for your replies. I do of course agree with everything that you have said. I have tried to rationalise my feelings many times over the years ackowledging that opposites attract, it is as you mentioned unfinished business so to say and a few years ago I did consider telling my husband.
I can't tell Alex as he would be too hurt by it. I have tried to move on and as yet I have never managed, hence the post! God knows that I have tried to relax, I have tried yoga, massage and drank more valerian root tea than you can poke a stick at, to no avail. I have even been on Amitriptyline 10mg for insommia, which worked wonders on the insommnia but did nothing for the obsessive thoughts about Alan.
Wisdom, you are absolutely correct in that after 9 years with nothing more than friendship developed it isn't going to happen.
Janniepeg, I can disagree and tell you that I never once believed that the reason that Alan didn't have a relationship in the time that I have known him was due to his feelings for me, as you said he had his own reasons, your correct he did he suffers from Avoidance Personality Disorder, this of course clearly compounds the whole issue and I should have thought to post that originally!
I have contacted a therapist, I need to move on, that I absolutely know for the sake of my marraige and my sanity! My closest friend who knows most of the story, the one who emplored me not to send the email detailing how I felt, now thinks that it actually may do me good, a carthasis, a step toward dropping the past, finishing the old un finished business and moving forward. I have already compiled an email, I will sit on it for a few days before deciding!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 May 2012): "I have recently been considering seeking therapy, but I don’t know what to tell my husband I am in therapy for! I have no crap childhood hang ups and I am avery well balanced and always happy person so I am worried if I go to a psychologist Alex is going to be panicked that there is something really wrong!"But the truth is that you are NOT well balanced and there IS something really wrong. I think therapy would be good, maybe you should go anyway but not tell your husband just yet. The thing is, you should get some counseling for yourself because you should examine the decisions you have made which have led to to this place. How is it that you proceeded to move so fast with Alex (moving in 4 months after meeting him) yet with Alan 9 years pass and you're still unable to speak your mind? How is it that you chose to marry Alex despite having feelings for Alan? why did you not feel the need, in all the X number of years you knew Alan but before you got married, that you didn't feel the need to speak your mind to him yet now you do? And if not in all those years, why now? what led you to decide to marry Alex? How well do you actually know Alan? And even now, as long as this post is, it seems your dilemma is primarily about your feelings toward Alan and not your feelings toward your husband. You may not have any "crap childhood hangups" but there are some beliefs, fears, assumptions, and ways of thinking about relationships which have led you to make the decisions that created this situation you're in now. I mean, you had many years in which to ask Alan out yet you didn't. Why not? and yet you moved in with Alex after only 4 months? why behave completely differently with these two guys?
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A
female
reader, Wisdom  +, writes (3 May 2012):
 Don't tell him, forget about it and move on. What do you hope to gain from telling him? Closure you say? Nooo this is just going to open pandora's box. What would you do if he said he had feelings for you? Cheat on your husband?
There is unfortunalty nothing you can do but move on. I would say that given it has been 9 years you may have built more out of your memories than what has been there? You shared some CD's but didn't really do anything else? I think that if there was more to it than friendship then after 9 years somethign would have happend.
I know this may not be the answers you were looking for but I would hate to see you make a huge mistake and ruin your marriage for nothing.... Try talking to a professional about it if you can. Or maybe try talking to your husband about it? He maybe able to help?
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A
female
reader, janniepeg +, writes (3 May 2012):
What makes the feeling linger is that there is unfinished story. That is the reason why people date others knowing fully well that the relationship would not work out, because feelings are so strong and can't be ignored. It really would have been better if you had asked Alan out yourself before meeting Alex. Even for a few months so you know that you are incompatible. Then you could have broken off and moved on completely.
So far you have decided that you won't express feelings to Alan, or develop a relationship with him. What that did was actually creating more mystery to the what ifs. Your mind has to follow through, and stop thinking about him too. I hope this post is your last one with Alan in your mind.
Opposites attract. We idealize people who are different from us, because variety makes life interesting and also we could complement each other with our differences. Your marriage itself is a closure to further contact with Alan. Alan did not date anyone because of his own issue. You would have thought that it was because he was in love with you the whole time, waiting for you, making you fantasize that you two really belong together. He probably didn't feel he deserved anyone so he stayed single, and that's his problem alone.
You should erase Alan's contact. Tell your husband you have trouble going to sleep at night and that you are learning relaxation methods and meditation. There you go, maybe you don't need a psychologist. Maybe learning how to relax is all you need. Try valerian root and jujubes.
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