A
male
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I seem to be stuck in the past. I met this girl 4 years ago whom i can honestly say i love with everything i am. When we first met we could talk about everything under the sun for hours and hours with not one awkward silence. After awhile our talking and friendship became more romantic so i asked her to be my girlfriend, she said yes.We dated for about 2 years then she started to act a lot differently.. There was another guy involved. She would skip hanging out with me or talking to me to go see that other guy. I didnt find out until about a month after she started doing this. We got in constant fights about it but she kept saying she still loves me, wants to be friends ect. I told her i couldnt go through that pain and broke it off. We didnt talk for about 4 months. I also found out after i left her she dated the other guy but it only lasted a week, and he cheated on her. I never did anything bad to her ever. In the 3 years we knew each other we didnt have any fights and when there was disagreement we figured it out quickly. Also we did not have sex, she wasnt ready and i was fine with that.I dont know really know why she left me for him. I will say i was becoming distant and uncommunicative, and communication is her most important priority. That was probably most of it. In the time we didnt talk i could not move on. I dated other girls and felt nothing compared to what i felt with her. Even the girls i dated before her didnt even feel half as right or good. Also She has not dated anyone since that other guyBut now a little more than a year later after our break up i managed to be on good terms with her again. I took her to our last prom and got her number that she gives to very few people. After school ended we texted a ton, i live away for summers so we didnt hang out much really. She still flirts with me and i still feel so connected to her. She has a real busy lifestyle now so its hard for her to find time for me, at least i think thats it..Its like sometimes she has no interest in me and ignores me if its over text but when we're together she acts the way she did back then and i love it, i just dont know how she feels really. We did have dinner recently and it went great but ended shortly because i got called into work unexpectedly. i get so many mixed signals. ive told her i missed her playfully and she said 'haha yeah, i miss my old life'Thing is she has never really apologized for doing what she did to me. the most she has said is that she knows she made a mistake and i 'can stop talking to her about it' so thats when we didnt talk for months. It bothers me a lot though that she hasnt said anything about it but maybe she just doesnt want to go back to that time. she tends to ignore the past rather than going back and fixing it, i am the complete opposite.I dont know what to do.. should i keep trying to set up dates where we can be together and hopefully have a right time where i can tell her how i feel? I fear she would leave me again if she thinks she sees something better.. But thinking back we had the most amazing love, it felt like we were in a movie. Nothing has ever been so perfect in my life
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reader, anonymous, writes (5 September 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionthank you so much for the answers. it made me realize things arent really how they seem and i need to think more about others feelings over my own. Also i think i will apologize to her but after what anastasia said i may move on. It all made perfect sense. thanks again! i needed to hear the truth. i appreciate it a lot!!
A
reader, anonymous, writes (5 September 2011): While you are focusing on the sincerity of your feelings for her, you may fail to empathize with what she might have been feeling at the time, because she obviously didn't feel true love.
Two things jump out at me in your story:
1) Your admission that you became distant and communication broke down with her. Communication is not just something that's important to your ex, it's critical for all relationships. If you became distant, she very likely thought you didn't care about her. If you weren't having sex, then communication is pretty much all you had going for the two of you. You may remember your relationship with her as "true love", she may very well remember it as "the guy I loved stopped caring enough to talk to me".
2) You feel you are entitled to an apology. You stopped communicating with her and she found someone else who would. She didn't cheat on you, but she did form an emotional relationship with someone because you weren't available to do that.
Here's a version of what she might be thinking: "I loved a guy, but he stopped communicating with me and became distant. I felt lonely and unappreciated, when I communicated he didn't respond, so I started talking to another guy. He got jealous and dumped me. I was depressed and I got together with the new guy, but it didn't last. It was a mistake, but I'm not sure it could have ended up differently. I wasn't really happy in the relationship with my ex anyway. I do still like my ex and we hang out sometimes, but he hasn't forgiven me and I sense he's still angry about it since he keeps bringing up the past every time we get together. Another thing that bothers me is that everytime, things get difficult we end up not talking for a while...I think maybe next time I date someone I need someone who communicates better.
My advice to you is not to hold out waiting for an apology. Another thing I would suggest is to give your memory of her and your feelings of injustice a second look. People have a tendency to dramatize their past and like you mentioned, make it "like a movie" in retrospect. Your inner dramatization makes you feel like that break up was a result of her error and not of your lack of communication. You want to believe you are clearly a victim here. Perhaps you owe her an apology for neglecting her and not speaking to her? She didn't cheat on you and you dumped her in the first place. I'm not sure she owes you an apology.
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A
female
reader, Anastasia  +, writes (5 September 2011):
 My dear friend, Only a ghost wallows this much in the past. If this girl REALLY REALLY wants to rekindly anything with you, her efforts would have been quite obvious and you would have been bowled over by the attention you were getting. But it seems that you grab that whatever attention that you get when SHE decides to give it to you. You have admitted that her lifestyle is very different, and time for you is scarce...do you want that in your life? To be someone's "back up plan" in case she is bored? I know you know you are worth tons more than that. Come one man!! You need to close this chapter in your life. Nothing in this life except a sunset or sunrise is perfect. She made you feel special, she gave you joy like you have never experienced...but you know what..she gave you all these things...but what you wanted was time and love and attention? You can't put your life on hold for snippets of someone's time when they are ready to give it.Give up on this girl, ther eis someone out there who will give 150% to you...wholeheartedly, honestly and will love you like there is no tomorrow. Wait on that person....leave this girl to her new life. Stop communication with her, stop having play dates and dinners, it is not going to make it any easier. In order to heal yourself....you need to let go.Aunty Ana
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