A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:I dated a guy for 10months, we split up 4 months ago and i know i need to move on but need advice how to do this. I still think about him daily and sometimes still get that sickly pining feeling and all i want to do is contact him.It was a real whirlwind relationship, with him moving in with me and my daughter after only 4 months.I was extreemely causious to begin with. I realised early on that we were at different stages of our lives. I had a child from a previous relationship and therefore responsibilities. He was still in his partying phase. despite this he was the one declaring his love for me at a very early stage, saying how he wanted to marry me and spend the rest of his life with me. He did however get very drunk, angry, storm out on me and then not contact me. However when we saw each other again he was so apologetic and regreful and declare his love so each time I forgave him and hoped it wouldnt happen again-but it always did. By this time I was well and truly smitten.Early on I also had my suspicions about other girls. He got calls early in the morning and was very cagey about his phone. He always said he wasnt and that it was always friends asking him to go out. I found pictures of girls on his phone, girls would MSN his pc and then I found recieved pictures of girls on his pc recieved when I was on holiday- at this point he was living in my house. He always denied contact with these girls and managed to make me feel guilty for snooping. One night I returned early to find him masturbating to porn with a picture of his penis on screen-to this day i do not know if he was in touch or msning these pictures to someone we argued I needed to leave the house and when I returned he had packed and left. He always acted like such a prude, never discussed porn and had problems with an erection throughout our relationship even at the beginning. i never pushed this problem as i didnt want to make it worse by pressurising him- he is however only 30. We met and talked about what had happened, he said he just liked porn and denied sending or recieving photos. We made up, but my lack of trust got worse so did my self esteeme. we eventually finished in february after me catching him lying to me about where he had been. Since Ive then found him on numerous dating and sex finding websites, some dating as far back as 6 years and some set up whilst living in my house. I was devastated by this and when confronted him he said it was none of my business what he did in the past and that the profiles set up whilst with me were part of the porn thing. We had not spoken or seen each other since. My mind has gone crazy and i recently had to contact him to ask if our relationship was a sham, as I cannot believe that what we had at times was a complete act. He has eventually apologised for his lack of empathy towards me and my daughter. Is regretful over the thing he has done and realises now he wasnt ready to settle down or is unsure if he ever will be. Although he has answered some questions, i still miss him, want to speak to him and get some answers and explanations. I also realise that I am better off without him, can believe how immature, uncompassionate he really is and feel I have had a lucky escape to have discovered all this now rather than years down the line.I feel such a fool but cannot let go-Please help xx
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drunk, erection, immature, move on, msn, on holiday, porn, self esteem, split up Reply to this Question
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reader, anonymous, writes (9 June 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionthanx you both so much for your support. you both make valid points I know I need to let go, i know I deserve better for both me and my daughter. I think it is the desire to be loved rather and although this man or should i say boy had some special qualities I am now unsure if they were true and his bad qualities far outweighed the good. I will be strong thankyou xx
A
female
reader, lexilou +, writes (9 June 2008):
 You know in your heart you have made the right decision but that doesnt stop you hurting. You feel used, betrayed, a bit of fool for trusting this man and allowing him into your life only to be let down. You also need closure but I dont think you are going to get it from him.
Put this behind you, chalk it up to experience, as hard as it is to do that right now. You have done nothing wrong in this relationship, you could not have done anything different to change the outcome, all you did was fall in love with a man who wasnt right for you.
You WILL meet someone else eventually and they will treat you with a lot more respect and love than this man could ever give you. Let it go, concentrate on you and your daughter for now and just take each day as it comes. I wish you happiness in the future x
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A
male
reader, PeterPan  +, writes (9 June 2008):
 Did you ever see the movie "Moonstruck" with Cher? There were two lines in that movie that are immediately applicable here...
"Snap out of it!!" and "I'm so confused..."
OK, in all seriousness. I think that in the end, you have made a great choice. The litany of transgressions you brought up here was more than enough justification that you chose wisely... if not for you, perhaps for your daughter. Would you really want a man like that in the company of your daughter? There was so much wrong with him and so much right with your decision to remove him from your life.
What I think is that you are missing the idea of him, not him. We all want that "somebody special" in our lives. There are times that we all feel like that... it's just the desire to be desired and loved. Do not break your silence and try to get more answers from him than you already have. This would be a tremendous step backwards. In every relationship I've had, there have always been "unanswered questions" -- sure it's not very reassuring that there are issues still floating around without any answers. But at the same time, you don't want to open the flood-gates just to get a glass of water.
Another thing: don't feel foolish at all! There's nothing to feel foolish about. Letting go is heard, even in abusive, unproductive relationships. Just continue to be strong. Perhaps get a date or have a "girls night out" to prove that you are indeed loved... it helps!!
Best wishes!!
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