A
female
age
,
anonymous
writes:Hello Aunts and uncles I am really hoping to get some help because I'm at my wits end. My husband left me three years ago for a younger woman. We had been together since I was 19 and he was 20 and have two children (now aged 24 and 21) and in total were together for 30 years, married for 27 years. I am 49 and he is 50. The woman he left me for is ten years younger than him and she was single parent who decided that she wanted to fall in love with a man who earned good money (my husband is a high earner) but she apparently told her friends that although he wasn't her 'type' he grew on her and now she loves him dearly.My children have both finished university and they don't talk to their dad because they are so angry about it. His new woman has a small child.The real problem is me. It has been three years since he left and he divroced me and left me with the house and moved in with this woman. veered between hoping he would come back and then I lost hope that he would come back. However I still feel anxious and upset and can't bear the thought of being with anyone else. Is this normal? I think I was hoping that maybe one day he would come to his senses and come back (this happened with a couple of his colleagues so I thought maybe my husband was having a mid life crisis and would come back). I have had some good periods and even went on a date with another man but in the back of my mind I was hoping my husband would come back. My husband went away to think about whether he still loved me and what he wanted and he came back having decided that he wanted the new woman and I was devastated. His new woman actually phoned my mobile from his mobile (without him realising) one evening so that I would hear her with my husband so this whole experience has been really upsetting for me.Is it normal, 3 yrs later, to still have these bad patches? I have friends who have split up and got over it much more quickly. I loved my husband and we were so close and i really thought we would be together foever. At the moment, i am feeling anxious and worried and I still in the back of my mind have hopes that one day, he might, just might come back to us... His mother completely disagrees with what he has done but she loves her sons so says she feels torn all round. He has married his new woman and they live together and his new woman got angry when my husband bought a small car for our son. I feel as though she has the man I love and she wants to control everything he does, including what 21st present he can or cannot buy for our son. He however bought her a brand new expensive car and pays for her child to go to private school.Im sorry if this post is a bit too long and waffly but I am just so upset. I don't want to take anti depressants as I did this once before and they made me worse. Has anyone else experienced thsi and how did you ultimately cope with it - someone told me to allow 5 years in full before I expect to have got over it properly or at least adjusted. I have tried counselling which helped. My husband's new wife simply says that I have 'access to other men similar to Eric' (my husband) and she seems to think it is simply a case of me swapping Eric for a new man similar to him (ie a high earner, professional male etc). I am at my wits end feeling constantly anxiosu and maybe the run up to Christmas is triggering this I don't know but I miss him every day and don't even really know why he left. If anyone does have a minute or two to give any suggestions I would be very grateful indeed. Thank you for your patience in reading this. Susan
View related questions:
christmas, money, moved in, period, split up, university Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (9 December 2009): I so agree with the answer to this question. I am 42, barely still married, with 3 kids. I have found evidence of something going on with other women and my husband and it is absolutely devastating. We met when I was 17, so this kind of hit home for me--together for 25 years & married 20 years. We have always been the best of friends, super close and built our lives together in all ways. Raising teens seems to be ripping us apart. Just hoping to hang in there long enough to see what life is like between us when they are done school in a couple years and moving out, etc....then I found the emails. I never would have thought him capable--but it shows me just how bad our relationship is right now. He denies ever meeting one of the women, but he was certainly shopping for one (younger, much younger).
I have had a few months to think about this and what I want out of life. I try to picture myself in your shoes and wonder if I will be sitting around waiting for him to come back. I don't think I would if we split up. I would want a clean break, a fresh start. While I love him dearly, I wouldn't want to be the old shoe he comes back for when the new shoe no longer fits the bill.
Time to move on and find what makes you happy in life. Focus on yourself and discover new friends...not boyfriends, just friends to go hiking with, travel with, have lunch with. Find new hobbies, take a photography or watercolor painting class. Find your own passions and start living again...this time for YOU!
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (8 December 2009): Susan you may not realise this but you still have the rest of your life. plse do not wait for this cheater to come back. plse re prioritise your life and what better time than now. yes it is hard but you can do it. you have mourned the loss of your marriage, and yes, you will have other bad days but plse slowly heal and move on. your ex doesn't deserve this pining. he cheated on you and he has moved on with his new wife. just resolve to be rid of him. cut much of the contact with him and start living your life. i know it is hard but you can do it. you have inner strength you never knew you possess. remember he is the loser not you. please pick up the pieces and well, just be rid of him, once and for all.
...............................
A
female
reader, Carrot2000  +, writes (8 December 2009):
 Hi Susan,
I can only imagine how hard it is to get over a 30-year relationship; you've spent half your life with this man and now have to figure out how to live without him. I think your grieving is normal, but you know you can't spend your entire life hoping for him to come back. Your anxiety probably stems from the process of waiting for him to decide what he wanted to do--take a deep breath and exhale it all out. He's made his choice and there is no longer any ambiguity surrounding the outcome of this situation. It's time to stop worrying about him (and the new wife) and start thinking about yourself. What have you always wanted to do? Go back to school? Move to a new city?
Don't look at the end of your marriage as the end of your life--it is the end of your life with this person, but by no means the end of your life. Don't worry about finding another man; worry about finding Susan. Although you are still hurting, there is so much opportunity out there for you if you are willing to be a little adventurous and get out of your comfort zone. Perhaps you can sell the house and travel a bit; I spent some time in Asia this summer and it's nothing like being in another part of the world to take you away from your troubles and help you gain some perspective on your life. Hell,use his money to finance your journey! :-)
The good news is that you don't have continue to feel this way--you can choose to be happy and to continue to live and enjoy your life. You deserve to be happy and loved and all of the other good things in life. Treat yourself kindly. Your life with your ex-husband may not have turned out the way you thought it would, but rarely do things go the way we anticipate in life. You now have an opportunity to create a new life for yourself: embrace the possibilities!
...............................
|
