A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Married for 14 yrs..we have 2 kids..I love my husband and I want to grow old with him.He loves me too and he loves our kids and family.Yet he has cheated on me in the past with escorts.I forgave him but never forgot.Everything was going smooth..we had lot of progress in life financially and even in our relationship.Recently though I suspected him of cheating again.This time with very close family friend.She's married and has a kid and loving husband.We were meeting almost every week.known this couple for 5 yrs but in last 6 months got very close.i started noticing some things between her and my husband which made me feel uncomfortable. I confronted him on a recent holiday we took.I told him I feel like I need medical help that I might be imagining this but I feel like he is having affair. He completely denied..he did not shout..he was very calm and made me understand nicely that there's nothing like that.he hugged me ..we made love..enjoyed our vacation fully.I asked him should I go to therapy and will he support me and go with me. He said I can solve this problem on my own and he doesn't think I need therapy.I agreed and apologized to him for thinking badly.but I'm still confused and still feel there's something he is hiding.was his reaction normal after my accusation? After this trip we haven't yet met that couple but soon we will and I don't feel good about this.what should I do?
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reader, anonymous, writes (7 January 2015): One of the hardest things in life is rebuilding trust. Sometimes this even extends past the person who broke your trust. But when a person has broken our trust, trusting them again is a Herculean task that many may not succeed at.Our minds are programmed by design to learn from our mistakes. If we turn the stove on then touch the burner, it hurts, so we learn not to do that again. If we go out in the sun without putting on sunscreen and get a nasty sunburn, we learn to use sunscreen in the future. So when you're in a relationship and the other person does something that hurts you, your natural instinct is to "not do it again". In other words, you train yourself to not believe he is trustworthy and to assume he is up to something. Just like you assume the stove is hot or that the sun will burn you.The downside to this is the fact that, although it's not as common as would be nice, people *do* change. Some aunts may want to slap me for this, but I do believe it's possible for someone to cheat, be remorseful, and decide to never do it again and stick with it. Again, the same mechanism can be at work - even cheating husbands often still love their wives, and once they learn how much it hurt someone they love, they vow to never do that again. Because of all of this, I do feel that a person's instincts can be damaged. Sometimes you've been hurt sufficiently that any small indication of anything - a wink at another woman, a hug that lasts a mississippi too long, etc - makes you assume cheating is going on. It might certainly be the case, but it also might not be, and if you've been hurt by actual cheating in the past, your body and mind are simply looking out for the signs of those things that hurt you before (similar to hearing the gas or seeing the red glowing stove top). One thing I don't think you mentioned is exactly what he's doing that makes you feel so suspicious, and also what he had done before when you caught him - i.e. did you find out, or did he fess up and admit it? In either case, it could be that he's exhibiting similar behaviors to when he was with the escorts, which is triggering your warning bells. As others have said, you also may not have fully forgiven him. This may not even be possible to do. Sometimes we are hurt so badly that true forgiveness - accepting the past and moving on - are all but impossible. (Would you forgive someone who abused your child?) If you feel you could use therapy, go get therapy. You don't need permission, but it certainly doesn't hurt that you mentioned it to him. Also, think really hard about your relationship as a whole. Cheating does NOT occur in a vacuum - I read that half of all men who cheat do it because they feel emotionally unfulfilled, and over 70% feel guilty but just can't resist the allure of another human who "Gives them what the wife can't/won't/isn't". I'm not trying to knock you, but just advising that it's something you need to consider when you do your introspection. (Although, going on vacations together is a good thing - a lot of couples get locked into their routines and stop doing that!)Best of luck!
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (6 January 2015): Thank you all. WiseOwle you are really wise. I read your post many times and each word you wrote makes sense. I will definitely find the courage to leave him and choose my freedom if my suspicions are proven true.
Thank you
-original poster
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (6 January 2015): Oh, don't listen to this bullshit. Men are full of it. He's doing a classic job of trying to 'minimise' and 'gaslight' the problem ie. act as if nothing happened and there's nothing to worry about. BUT your instincts will be right. He knows how to 'work' you by now and he knows exactly how to get you to distrust your own instincts. You have a slight nagging feeling and he's trying to put it out, as if it's just a tiny flame that doesn't matter at all. Don't fall for it - there is without doubt something telling you that he's lying. YOU KNOW the truth. He;s trying to make you believe that you don't.
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reader, anonymous, writes (6 January 2015): You haven't fully forgiven your husband. You've buried that
awful experience in your marriage for the sake of the children; and suppressed your true feelings. You have a beautiful life, and you don't want to do anything to lose your dream.
The lingering memories of the "escorts" (I notice the plural is used here) is still pretty much alive in your thoughts. Your trust has been destroyed ever since. You just can't imagine losing all you have built together. So like so many financially-secure wives; you've internalized your distrust and anger. You're not crazy, but you're damaged. You will always be on-edge when he's around attractive women; or too close and friendly toward other women. You have flashbacks. That's entirely his fault.
You cannot convict your husband only on suspicion. Therapy may help you with your internalized anger. You need real evidence to substantiate allegations that he may be having an affair. If he oozes inappropriate charm in her direction;
your instincts may not be totally off.
Just having a "feeling" isn't enough to accuse someone of doing anything. Your old feelings about his past are resurfacing; and any attractive woman around your husband may raise these suspicions. Sometimes a woman's intuition is on the mark, but she cannot make accusations without evidence to support them.
Those nagging feelings and suspicions are what happens, when you hold on to someone your subconscious-mind told you to let go of. You thought you could handle it and move on.
Not even marriage-counseling can completely reset your trust. It takes years to rebuild it. Maybe even a life-time.
I must admit, a vacation is the last place I would want to have a blowout or argument with my mate. He was trying to stay calm. Avoid a scene. Maybe he came off a little condescending or patronizing when reassuring you everything is okay. If you feel threatened by this woman in some way, maybe you're just a little paranoid. Is she very attractive?
Keep your eyes and ears open. If you feel yourself getting anxious, get the counseling. You don't need his permission.
Cheaters always slip!
If he's up to no good as you suspect; the truth will out itself. You can't really have much trust, if he hired escorts during your marriage. You forgave him for something most women not only would have divorced him for; but would have financially raked him over the coals, and castrated him.
You forgave him out of love. If you find out he is once again cheating. Gather all the strength you have, and divorce him. The therapy will be needed in any case.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (6 January 2015): Ask him to stop seeing this couple and cut them out of your lives. See what his reaction is. What specific reasons have made you feel they are having an affair? Our hunches are usually correct but I hope he his telling you the truth. If you really think it is more than just your anxieties and isn't a misinterpretation you can have him followed and see what he is up to.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (5 January 2015): I think you are very easily manipulated by this guy and it would be good for you to talk to someone and have outlets outside of your relationship with him. I think you should totally talk to a therapist. That's a great idea. To me it is transparent why he doesn't want you to. He wants to keep you naive and unaware. He doesn't want people feeding you the truth so instead he can keep feeding you lies. Your husband is not trustworthy at all. No offense, just trying to help, but I don't see the point of you trying to get to the bottom of this suspected affair with your friend. If you were able to confirm irrefutably that he is in fact having an affair with her, what then? You said yourself you want to be with him forever. So what difference would it make? You'd slap him on the wrist and go back to being husband and wife, til death do you part. If that's the case he is going to keep doing stuff like this and you're going to accept it. So getting to the bottom of his cheating is going to do you no good. What will be able to bring positive change in this situation is for you to get to the bottom of why you allow this maltreatment in your life. And for that, I think therapy will be able to help you greatly. I highly encourage you to seek therapy. I think it's your best option and will do wonders for you. Dont let him talk you out of it, just do it. For you.
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