A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:After 2 and half years in a relationship (12 months long distance - not my choice but his) my boyfriend has decided that its over. He told me that if I was not able to be with him (re-locate overseas) he is calling it a day. He has been ruthless about living elsewhere from the start yet he has a loving side and I can't imagine us not being together ever again. I have told him this and 2 weeks ago when it all happened I was begging him to wait for me that I would be with him as soon as possible - and I mean begging - sobbing and crying down the phone I spent £100 in one day on mobile phone bill - i felt desperate. He was cold hearted and said its not working long distance and that he is sick of his work colleagues taking the pi** out of him and asking him why he is single. Now he has told them all, and his family, that me and him are finished - he did this before officially telling me - and said it was my fault it was over because I never went out there and he's given me long enough to decide. Nobody cares because they thought it would never work out anyway and I feel betrayed and isolated. He doesn't think I am committed and maybe I have not felt ready for such a big step but I have tried hard to make things work and hoped that in time we could. He has never once offered to fly back to the UK to be with me for a while. I also suggested we meet halfway but again he just kept saying 'no'. Since 2 weeks ago I have been ill with the stress and worry at losing him but he has barely text me and never asked how I was. I think I have known it was on the cards but didn't want to accept it because apart from distance we have not had any problems we are still in love - he agrees. Over the last 3 or 4 days however I have started to re-build myself and, despite getting some money together for the journey and arranging time off I have found myself resenting him and not knowing if I want to bother after the way he has treated me. A large part of me thinks I will not know unless I go and see what I can salvage and he said he is willing to "start again" but that 2 or 3 weeks is not enough we need 2 - 3 months. I am not able to get this much time away but he said we cannot re-build things in just 2 - 3 weeks. I feel like I cannot win and also don't know what I face when I get there - all this without the care or not of family and friends. I feel pretty low and rubbish about myself with all of this - as if I am to blame all the time but I have been loyal and faithful. I have such mixed feelings its stopping me in my tracks. I have been telling him that I am coming out but he says I'm "stalling for time" which again makes me feel bad. I am finding it quite bullying. I am so confused now please help.
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female
reader, Artistry  +, writes (1 June 2008):
 Hi, Decision time. Are you receiving what you need now, from your friend? If not, do you think you are going to change him? It has to be up to him to change. Will you be happy away from your home, meeting new people, getting a new job, kind of stressful while trying to readjust to the relationship. This is a lot, at one time. You must really think about this, and if you decide to go, you must take what comes as a result, if it does not work out, will you stay there? Will you return home? What is it that will make you happy. Your satisfaction level with the relationship is low, from reading your comments about him. You will have to jump through hoops, when you get there, so it's up to you, can you cope with all the things which will going on at one time. If I were you, I would go for a period of three weeks, on a vacation, I would not compltely move there.This will give you a taste of how it would be without making a total commitment. Do not quit your job, take a leave of absence, family emergency or something, he is sort of family. Do not move there is my suggestion. Do a trial run first, if it fits and you like it, then consider, moving, by try it out. Moving there is a big jump. Think hard, good luck.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (31 May 2008): Hi I posted this question - thank you so much for the answers so far. He claims he has set things up that will make things easy for me - a house, car, his stable job and he can support me. The trouble is I am not sure, stuck in the city he is living, that the opportunities are there for me for sure - and he hasn't checked that either and I will be cut off from friends and family. This was not a decision we made and explored together - it was something he had decided when he met me and wanted me to go along with. He sees nothing wrong with this. Recently he said he met me "at the wrong time" because he had already made his mind up. He also then said he loved me and that I must know he has a soft spot for me otherwise it would be over. I worry his comments are arrogant - he often says all this is a battle of wills. I have more common sense. I worry about giving something up that could be good but cannot get beyond his selfishness.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (31 May 2008): I'm sorry to hear about your break up. There are a number of reasons why this happens with long distance relationships. One of them is patience. A lot of people lose patience as they need someone who can be there for them right now, not have to wait. I was in a long distance relationship for 2 years before getting together properly. We went through this sort of thing. I'm not trying to give you false hope, but there is an old saying, and that is:"if you love them, set them free, if they come back it's true love, if not, it wasn't to be."Long distance relationships are more intense than locally based relationships. They are draining, tiring, hard work, and some people just can't cope with them, no matter what the other person means to them. Give it time.
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A
female
reader, Artistry +, writes (31 May 2008):
Hi there, First of all, step back and assess what is going on in your "relationship". Who is making all the demands, who is giving nothing in return, who is asking who to travel to see them (probably without sending you airfare), who is not coming to visit you? Come on, where is the reciprocity, where is his contribution, why is he letting his friends dictate his life. You are being put upon, for various selfish reasons on your "friends" part. If you are in a long distance relationship, both of you must agree on the rules, keep it as such, until you can change it, agree to change it, with both contributing something to making that happen, and be satisfied with the agreement. It is very necessary to consider the other person's feelings, that is what love means to me. Not dictating without consideration, this is a bit selfish to me, if you don't mind my saying it. If you do go, he will undoubtably find something wrong with what happens between you. In cases like this, if a person says, they want to end the relationship, they have already finished with it, and have moved on mentally. Please don't think he wants to mend things, he is moving in another direction, according to what I read in your letter.
Why would he not come to see you at least once? That is cold, you deserve better, and I really think from your words you know this. Just make the break, count it up to experience and find a kinder, gentler man, who will care for you and not put you through changes as this person is doing.
Love yourself, and treat yourself kindly, or people will take advantage, and make you miserable, just because they
can. Don't accept less than you deserve.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (31 May 2008): So who chose to go and live abroad? Was there any consideration in the first place to you being in the UK, whilst he moved abroad? Did you make an agreement before he went as to how often you would be able to visit him, and him visit you?
Relationships are a 2-way thing, and it is not completely up to you to visit him all the time. That is selfish.
On the other side of it though, I am currently living abroad and have been through the same thing with my boyfriend - with me telling him that it isn't working anymore and if i wasn't coming home to the UK soon then I wouldn't want to be in the relationship anymore. The reason for this, for me at least, is firstly it can be pretty miserable living in a foreign country, having to try to understand a new language, new job, new city, new country, missing your friends and family and out of the comfort zone and it can be quite over-whelming. Whereas my partner I felt was sat at home in his cosy house, or in the pub with his friends and his life hadn't changed at all and I felt like he didnt need me. This led to me feeling quite resentful that he didn't have to be the one out here and was enjoying life by himself.
However, he came to visit last weekend and I realised I still love him and we are going to draw a line underneath this period of time and start afresh when I come back.
It is so so difficult to maintain a long distance relationship, especially if there are any problems with communication - is his unhappiness down to frequency of contact/type of contact? Or does he genuinely want to single? If you were to move abroad to where he is It would really have to be because you wanted to and you could have a career there, and not just to follow him - as this i think would just build more resentment.
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