A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Hi,I am in such a mess and really need help. I live with my partner of 3 years. 2 years ago he left me to go to Australia for a year, we decided during this time we would have an open relationship because we are both realists and know a year is a long time. I can also detatch myself emotionally from sex and knew it wouldn't mean anything.Although I really didn't want him to go and I begged him to stay and was left heartbroken and distraught when he did leave. He had been gone for about 2 months and I decided to stop moping and waiting eagerly for his sparse email contact and go out with some friends. I got very drunk and ended sleeping with one of our mutual friends whilst his wife was asleep upstairs. The next morning I was mortified racked with guilt. We spoke via email and both agreed it was a huge drunken mistake and we would forget about it and not tell anyone. A couple of weeks later though it happened again. Again I felt terrible and confused because before then I had genuinely only ever considered him a good friend and had never felt attracted to him before. We continued to sleep together whilst drunk, usually once or twice a week. Everytime I felt awful and swore I would never do it again but I couldn't stop. 3 months after our affair started my partner said he was coming back early and he would be home in 1 week. I immediately ended it and committed myself to making it work with my partner. We both agreed it was for the best and to save both our relationships and their friendship we would never tell anybody. My partner returned and I felt such guilt, he'd slept with someone else too but not one of my closest friends and I knew he'd be devastated if he ever found out. For the first month everything was great, everything was back to normal with the friend and me and my partner were getting on better than ever. I had previously booked a 3 month trip with my friend as I hadn't anticipated my partners early return. We had a party the weekend before I left and I slept with our friend again. He said he was going to miss me. I left the next day and felt glad to be getting away. Throughout my trip I realized who I was really in love with and who I was missing and it was not my partner. I tried to block it out and promised myself when I got back it would be different, I'd shy away from places I knew he'd be and avoid being alone or drunk with him.I returned and I did do just that but it was so hard, I really missed him but he's married with a child and I couldn't break up a family like that. We started hanging out alone together, just watching films or chatting over coffee but nothing happened. I thought I could handle it but I couldn't and with 3 months of my return we were involved again but this time it was worse, we were meeting up soberly and planning to meet in secret in advance. I succumbed to my feelings and continued our affair and I still am. I questioned his motives many times and he explained that he doesn't love his wife, he met her when he was going through a really bad time and she was there for him, theirrelationship was all but over when she accidentally got pregnant (although he doubts it was an accident) and so they stayed together and got married. I know this is usually a line but I know them both well and I know its the truth. I've never asked him to leave her and he's never said he will. He says he wants to but he can't bear to leave his child and after seeing them together I know that's true as well.He is a fantastic dad and really loves his child.About a month ago he told me he loves me for the first time, he's tried not too but can't help it. I felt so elated that he finally said what I've felt for so long but now its worse than ever I can't get him out of my head and he has changed and become so much more affectionate and loving like never before. Before we both tried to pretend it was just the sex but now we've both admitted our feelings everyday is torture. I want to be with him so much. I know I should have done the right thing a long time ago and left my partner we have a lot of debt but it is all in his name and I could never afford to pay him back if I left. As soon as the debt is payed I will leave him and hope he never finds out how horrifically I have treated him, he deserves so much better than me. My only consolation is that he doesn't suspect a thing and for now at least he is very happy. I want to be with the married man and he wants to be with me but we're both trapped in very difficult situations. I have got myself into such a huge mess and I just really need some help. I don't know what to do for the best. I wish no one has to get hurt in this but I know they will. I'm at the verge of breaking point and I need help to know what to do next?
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (18 October 2009): OMG, i cannot believe what i am reading. You had sex with your lover while his wife slept upstairs. You defiles this woman’s home. How low can you stoop? There is so much of drama you have created. “As soon as the debt is payed I will leave him and hope he never finds out how horrifically I have treated him, he deserves so much better than me. My only consolation is that he doesn't suspect a thing and for now at least he is very happy.” What are you going on here about. You are stealing your committed partners finances. You are stealing his life. You are so pitiful, so low. You care nothing for your partner. You have no decency regarding the married mans wife. Can you even spell the word?
You are living a seedy sordid existence. You will definitely reap with you are sowing. This mans wife i am sure trusts you with her hb. You all know each other and you are the ultimate betrayer. Well, darling, you are welcome to your unfaithful married man. After all , you both deserve each other. 3 guesses how your sordid life will pan out. You don’t need to be a mystic to see into the future.
I have read this entire post and my stomach is churning at your deliberate deceit and betrayal. I wonder how you live with yourself knowing what you are doing. Does it even bother you that you are using your partner? Does it bother you that you are having sex in this womans home. Does it even bother you that you have stooped to this level in your life?
A
female
reader, Sweet-thing +, writes (13 October 2009):
 Perhaps you should end it with both of them and start all over again. You are never going to have the married man, you will only be his mistress. Do you want to continue living a lie and being secretive. I know sometimes, the drama of seeing someone on the side can become very addictive. So be careful or it'll become a pattern for you. Yes, your b/f will be devastated, but not too much, he did afterall sleep with someone else while you were apart and it really doesn't matter if she was one of your friends or a nobody. You both made the agreement to see other people during that year, so you need to let him know that your feelings for him have changed, you have changed. Then break it off with both of them and start over. Best of luck.
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