| A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes: I'm getting confused over my ex boyfriend. We broke up back in April, and got back together for like 3 days in May. Ever since, we've been broken up. During our almost 4 year relationship, we had many problems, because he was jealous of my past. Due to his jealousy, I lied to him several times (about the past, but still). I never cheated on him, I was really faithful, but his mistrust seemed to grow with time. He sometimes did things to spite me. He called me names, made me cry and didn't seem to care, and sometimes even hit me. Nothing major, but still. He was also controlling and manipulative. We did love each other very much, and had many things in common. But I grew tired of his constant jealousy and instability. He constantly broke up with me, and that wore me down.During this period in which we have been broken up, both of us have had bouts of jealousy and have done stupid things to each other, like when he hacked one of my friends' Facebook profiles to spy on me. Or when I lashed out at a girl he had met (although he admitted he talked to her to make me jealous). I felt like I had stopped loving him. I did. I was convinced this was for the best.I met another guy, who I feel very attracted to, and for a while I kind of started developing feelings for him, but I stopped myself because I don't want to be emotionally involved with anyone else. We have kissed a few times, and well, I kind of get turned on, and um, want more. But the other day I talked to my ex, and he was so charming and sweet and we still have that special connection, which made me realize how much I miss him, and that I still love him. But I think I love the idealized version of him. Somehow it's hard to associate that the charming guy he is now actually abused me during our relationship.He still wants me back. But we can't get back together. I mean, I can't be honest with him. If we were to get back together, I could never tell him I kissed another guy while we were separated, since he'd freak out, he wouldn't be able to handle it. And why be in a relationship in which I'm not brave enough to be honest?What can I do? How can I finally let go, stop loving him, stop missing him, stop feeling like he is my soulmate? And how can I make him do the same? He is still very much in love with me, even though we had so many troubles being together, he only sees the good things from the relationship.Because, I shouldn't go back to him right? I mean, he hit me, he called me names, etc. Even if he has changed... I mean, there's too much baggage right? Plus my friends always tell me not to get back together with him and if I do, I might lose my friends. On the other hand, this other guy is getting more interested in me, and I don't know how to handle that either. I don't want any sort of relationship, should I just break it off?
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male
reader, CaringGuy  +, writes (30 August 2010):
You need to be alone and focusing on your own life right now. You've got too many guys and feelings flying around all over the place, and your not dealing with your own problems, which seems to specifically include esteem and confidence problems.
First of all, your ex is NO-GO under any circumstances. Your ex is not charming and sweet at all. That's just his act. That's how abusive men catch their prey, which is what you are to him. They charm their way into your life, then destroy it. That's what he did before, and it got violent. It will happen again, because there is no way that he has changed. No way.
As for this second guy, you're jumping way too fast, and again you're opening yourself up to be hurt. You're not over the pain of your ex, so to start a relationship would be a mistake.
You seem to have confidence issues. Your most worrying comment is where you say that your ex hit you but that it was 'nothing serious'. Domestic violence is very serious. For now, take your own life in your hands and focus on yourself. Forget men for the moment, because the way you are right now and the way you view yourself and this ex is a good indicator that you're attracted to abusers, and you need to sort that out.
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