A
female
age
,
anonymous
writes:Last month I found out that my partner of twenty years was having an emotional affair. With a work colleague, twenty-four years younger. Which first began in January. She has worked at his firm for nine years and originally lived with a younger bloke, who also worked there. Constant 'over-texting' gave it away. And quickly concealed note writing, whenever I entered the room. Not to mention the unexplained 4-6 hour absences whenever he drove to the supermarket for a handful of groceries. But the breaking point came when I discovered handwritten copies of his daily text messages in numerous small notepads. Especially ones mentioning sums of money from £50 - £60 on a regular basis. Plus the bombshell - "150 Smackers; And More Where That Came From!" I'm still shocked by this! And feel a mixture of deep hurt and anger. At being betrayed by someone, who always appeared consistent and genuine. Who lied to me all year - knocking me back financially with indefinite delayed requests for the likes of Venetian blinds, to finish off our new place. Which I was even prepared to go half on. I'm still waiting! Other things like rugs and lighting, etc., have all had to come out of my own pocket. Another of his texts mentioned possibly moving in with this woman in the New Year. Something very much looked forward to. But, due to life's unexpected payback, that is now no longer an option. Due to her younger sister and nephew both dying within a short time of one another, and her middle brother having a heart attack.For me, however, the future is now twice as bleak! My long-term partner is not prepared to give this woman up. And she has all his support. Just at a time when I need it most! My poor mother is in the final stages of Alzheimer's disease, and my elderly father's own health is suffering. If and when my partner moves out of our rented house - financial burden will fall on my shoulders. Also, I don't drive, so public transport will add further expense. On the other hand, it would be rather difficult for me to consider moving back home with my parents. As care-workers attend my mother four times a day, and district nurses - now every two days. And then - I have all my own furniture and far too much stuff to take back. There just wouldn't be enough space for it all! Lastly, I always got on so much better, anyway, with my mother, than my father!One further dilemma - will be Christmas Day. As my partner would normally come over with me to my parents house. But I can't see that happening this year! Not after his emotional involvement with this other woman. Who, he says, won't be on hand for him - she'll be with her own family. My partner also has an older brother, who usually goes away for Christmas to his daughter's. My father seems to be concerned about my partner not being fixed up, and thinks I will feel guilty about being there on my own, and this will spoil my Christmas for me! I think otherwise - even more so! Please offer all the advice you can. I've got absolutely no one to confide in whatsoever! Many heartfelt thanks!
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female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (8 December 2014):
 First off, I'm so sorry. I can't imagine how betrayed you feel.
I think there IS another option. Find a place close to your mom/dad which is YOUR own. Instead of moving in with either of them. I don't think that would be a good solution for you to live with them 24/7.
And instead of WAITING for him to make HIS move, YOU make yours. STOP giving him another penny/cent. SAVE up what you can and find a little rental that is BIG enough for you, if that means you will have to sell some of your furniture, it's a small sacrifice for peace of mind.
As things stand HE has all the power and what HE wants goes. That isn't OK. He isn't going to STOP seeing her or being involved with her. Face it. Accept it.
This MAY be the suckiest Christmas ever, but him ruining Christmas kind of pales compared to his betrayal.
Since you have lived together for 20 years you might have some legal right/recourse, so I would ALSO advice you find a pro-bono lawyer (solicitor) or contact Citizen's Advice for help. They may also refer you so you can get help with a new place to live.
http://www.citizensadvice.org.uk/index/getadvice.htm
Don't LET him and HIS actions determine YOUR life.
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